Ivy Tied Up |

Things have been freaking crazy! Its insane.. We were hit really hard by Hurricane Ike. We are living with out electricity still and our house had a tree through it so they wont hook up electricity until the debris is cleaned and the house is sealed off (it took off part of my house. The tree that is). I don’t know when life will be back to normal. The insurance co is jacking us around. I miss all you guys much and hope to be around more..  Michele Email me I got a new cell phone and lost all my old contacts. 

Things have been rather up in the air lately. Not really going well. Dh has been the usual asshole that he is so good at being.. The kids are driving me mad but they’ll be going back to school in 2 weeks.  Dh has had my nerves on edge.. If its not one thing with him its another. He is badly addicted to pain pills. Its causing us all kinds of problems and he is constantly telling me he is in pain. The amount of pain pills he is putting into his body is causing other problems. A lil tmi here but its caused severe constipation to the point of where I had to haul him to hte hospital the other day. All this bullshit is just getting old. he is causing his own problems and i’m tired of dealing with them. He is moody and its annoying.

I’m looking into becoming a substitute teacher at my kids school to get my out of the house.. We’ll see how that goes..

Otherwise i’m doing fine.. I go back to the dr on the 28th.. i’m falling between mania and depression alot.. I think he needs to increase my meds. I feel like thins will never get better then I remember they could be worse..

Thats how I feel.. I just keep going and going and going and going and its taking its toll.. I haven’t been feeling bad or down or anything.. I’m just kinda flat. Wyatt is trying his damndest to give me a heart attack as he climbs on everything and anything. Diva has this attitude from hell and its making me a nervous wreck. Bug is destructive because he is bored and is interested in doing all the bad little things that boys do when their moms heads are turned and Sugar is as clingy as ever. I can’t wait for school to start. I have felt like a bad mom for feeling like that but i’ve got friends who are barely keeping their heads above water and i’m doing better than them so I can’t be a really bad mom. Can I? I just hate summer time. We are stuck home every day with out a car because dh is taking the car. Its too hot outside for the kids to go outside so they stay inside fighting and driving me up the walls.. My nerves are seriously on edge. And to add to it.. Dh is on my last nerve. He has been up to his usual bullshit and its pissing me off big time.
Thats the latest update..

Well it didnt find me well.. Its been pretty hectic these last few days as I’ve felt MAJORLY out of control emotion wise. Emotionally unstable is the correct term for it. My doctors visit on monday put me in a damper that i’m slowly pulling myself out of. It was nothing but bad news at hte drs office. First we had a talk about my blood work. My cholesterol is high and my fasting glucose levels were too high. She called it pre diabetes and I have to go see a dietitian on friday to get it under control. I’ll have to monitor my levels for awhile and diet will have to control my levels to keep me from going into full blown diabetes.. This is scary to me. Its somewhere I’ve never been before. I knew it was hereditary but I never worried about it. EVER. Now i’m worrying too much about it..

At that same appointment the dr did an ultrasound of my female stuff because I have heavy bleeding and lots of pain and the bleeding lasts 3 weeks instead of 5-7 days.. It showed my uterus was 3x the size it should be and that I have fibriods.. They suggested  a hysterectomy. I’ve needed one since 1998 but got pregnant with the kids and didnt end up getting one. Now they are ready to do it and I can’t afford it. My deductible is 5000$ with our insurance. (dh put me on his insurance at work). There is just no way for me to come up with the $$.

That same morning at the doctors office I broke my expensive pair of glasses.. All I did was take them off and they broke. That would be because wyatt had gotten ahold of them a few months before and twisted them.. I had to go to the eye dr that same day and get my check up so I could get new glasses because I need them to drive.

Its just been a really crappy week.. I’m so busy trying to deal with all this new stuff that I dont know how to deal with it. Its a bit overwhelming. I hope you all are doing well..

Apparently its not that easy to always stay afloat and sometimes we must crash and burn. Thats whats been going on with me recently. As you can tell from my last few blog entries things have been pretty chaotic and I haven’t been really all “there” or thinking “clearly”. I’ve been all over the place.

I think my schedule being disrupted by having the kids out of school really affected me. I tried to create a new schedule and that just threw me even further off. I’d been feeling pretty depressed then would rapidly switch into mania then crash back into oblivion again.

I was pretty close to not knowing which way was up. I just felt desperate to make it all go away and desperate to make the “pain” go away. That should have been a clear sign to me to call the dr and tell him what was going on but did I? No.. No I didnt.. I waited for it to get better on its own and it did thankfully.. Well with meds. I did start taking my meds again. I think that was an important part of getting “better”.

I’d love to say that next time i’ll call the dr when things get like that but when you are like that you just don’t think clearly and going to the dr is the last thing you want to do. I’m sorry to my “blog friends” i’ve neglected recently. I hope you guys are all still around and doing good..

Yes, i’ve come to the conclusion i’m falling into the depths of mania. I don’t know what I want. I”m irritable and easily annoyed. I need peace and quiet yet feel like i’m coming out of my head. Any little noise annoys me.. Things are just not going great..

I havent decided if i’m going to close my blog or not.. But I have decided to stay here for now..  More later

I’m thinking about closing my blog.. More to come later.. maybe

The title fits this post for several reasons. First I rarely say i’m sorry to anyone. Because I rarely find myself in situations where I need to say i’m sorry. I’ve been blogging since 2005 and for the first time ever I left a snarky mean comment on someones blog. I still can’t believe I did that. I could say it was just my mood but what a cop out that would be. I hope this person knows i’m very sorry and that I feel horrible about it. I’m a sarcastic ass most days but rarely just mean and I had no right to hurt that person or say hurtful things to/about her.

My second long road to travel is i’m back on my weight loss path.. Last year I lost 20 lbs and stopped exercising and gained the weight back. I just got lazy!!! Not to mention tired! And my moods kept cycling and well thats an excuse but its one that many of us have had.. right?

So my first goal is to lose that 20 lbs that I gained back. It really really sucks to have to lose that 20 lbs again because I could have been losing another 20 lbs instead of doing it over.. So i’m trying harder this time to stay on plan. I’ve joined weight watchers again and in 3 weeks have lost 7.4 lbs. I’m feeling pretty good about it. Wish it were a lil more but I dont think 7.4 lbs in 3 weeks is horrible.  I’ve been exercising and working my bum off… I’m a scale junkie now. I feel the need to weigh ALL THE TIME. I can’t stop. I’m literally addicted to the scale. I weigh before a bath after a bath before i go pee after i go pee.. Its ridiculous.. I can’t stop.. I weigh every morning. If its up i’m down about it but I work harder that day. I have to lose this weight. I can’t keep it on any longer. I’ve been walking atleast a mile everyday. I was doing 2 before I hurt my knee but now I get through my mile and my knee aches so badly! Today I did 2 miles.. I was proud.. My knee is feeling better than it was but its still weak..

Lately i’ve felt weird. I don’t know how to describe it. I keep having these weird feelings. Like i’m watching myself do stuff but its not me doing it. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel like i’m outside myself. I’m just out of it lately.

This is very scary to think about. If you don’t know what dry drowning is or have never heard of it please read this article. A 10 year old little boy died more than an hour after getting out of the pool. I hadn’t ever heard of it before!

The article says:

According to the Centers for Disease Control, some 3,600 people drowned in 2005, the most recent year for which there are statistics. Some 10 to 15 percent of those deaths was classified as “dry drowning,” which can occur up to 24 hours after a small amount of water gets into the lungs. In children, that can happen during a bath.

Then says:

The three important signs, he said, are difficulty breathing, extreme tiredness and changes in behavior. All are the result of reduced oxygen flow to the brain.

Whats so upsetting/scary about it is that these symptoms are common after a child goes swimming. Very hard to tell the difference. Children are often extremely fatigued after swimming. I know mine are.. This article makes me want to sponge bathe my kids!

Had you heard of this before?