Ivy Tied Up |

So much has happened today i’m literally at my wits end. I cant find which way is up. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. Some things just cant be posted not even in a blog. But I will say KIDS! Damn it! Sometimes I think that I have NO CLUE what im doing here.

Onto the next big thing. Well dear hubby put in his application to go over seas for work. It makes me sick. How could he do something like this when I’m so very against it? What does it say for my marriage? I guess deep down I know what it says about my marriage. I guess I knew all along he doesnt care about my opinion or this family. I just dont know..

My infatuation stopped by today. Of course I knew he would. Thing is.. Today was different. At first I wanted to see him. Bad. Today was different. Things werent the same. What right do I have even wondering about it. Sitting here writing this down its absurd. I have no right at all.No right to feel what I feel. No right to think what I think and no right to dwell on this like I am. What im asking myself more than anything is whats so wrong in my marriage that I need this lesser dose of reality? Whats scary. Is that I already know the answer. And there is no way to fix it. WHY ME?????????????????????????????????????????

I almost want hubby to go to iraq. Get him out of my hair. He is hoping to get a contract for a year. I finally told him to go. But that I couldnt promise that the kids and I would be here when he got back. I dont want to live and face the demons of our marriage alone. If he goes. I cant pretend everything is fine.