Ivy Tied Up |

Did anyone ever watch that? It was on when I was a kid/teenager (hell I cant remember which)..But it comes on now at 4am on The N. Kids enjoy watching Noggin sometimes d uring the day so my TV rarely changes off of it.

Anyhow. I tend to relate rather well to the character Angela. I even remember the first I dyed my hair red and why I did it. I had the same screwed up relationship with my mom.

She was so on and off, hot and cold, wrong and right. I hated her. I loved her but I hated her. Not just like any teenager does. I couldnt stand to be around her to the point of moving out. Now dont get me wrong. My mother loved me, she saw to it that we had everything we needed. We just didnt get along. My dad swears its because we are just alike. And back then I didnt see it but I do now.

I’m bipolar. And I think she is too. She refuses to admit she has a problem and refuses to see a dr. However since she had her thyroid out she is alot better..hmm. But back to my story.

Growing up. We both had our share of problems. They didnt have anything to do with anyone else I think our problems were deep with in us. I dont know how she felt. I really dont know if I want to know. But I know how I felt. I hurt alot. The pain would get so bad inside I would feel like screaming. I had a fire burning inside of me. I wanted to pull my own hair out, throw things, be left alone. Hell half the time I didnt know what I wanted.

I dont think you can describe that pain with words. You just want it to stop. It hurts so bad. So much worse than physical pain. Physical pain would go away. The hurt inside never did. You just found ways to cover it up. To hide it so no one could see it. And so you could feel normal for just a little while. But you had to have something to cover the pain. Something ot make it stop..

I had my things of choice. My first was pills. It started in the 8th grade. It got worse. I popped pills until I got sick. I wouldnt eat. I threw up. No one knew. I was able to hide it for awhile. And when it was discovered I started drinking.

I found at a party one night that it made the pain go away. It dulled it to where I couldnt feel it so much. So I started drinking often. I would steal liquor out of my parents cabinet and refill the bottles with water (I think those same bottles are still up there still filled with water). I walked around in a haze. When I was found out.
My mom took me to jail.

She thought she was doing what was best for me. They put me in detox (although i was sober) and then stuck me in the women’s cell for a while. Yeah it was fun. All it did was piss me off. So I stopped drinking. I dont drink much now because of that time in my life. It was really hard to stop drinking. I craved it. I craved the feeling it gave me. I craved it so much I could taste it.

Then I started smoking dope. There was no feeling like being high. I was on top of the world. This lasted through out highschool. I would show up for school high as a kite and I had a friend who cared for me walk me to my classes. I never drove high so I rode with friends. The only time I wasnt high was when I was at work. But at work I was okay because I didnt have time to feel. And I got to be someone else.
I could play nice and have the world believe I was normal.

Now you are thinking “MY GOD! What a troubled messed up kid!”
Truth is. I wasnt a bad kid. I didnt get into trouble. I made really really good grades. I just hurt so bad inside, I couldnt kill the pain. And I couldnt tell anyone. I didnt think my mom cared.

Like I said we never got along. I moved out to get away from her. Which doesnt really make too much sense because she did take care of me. We had a normal life just like everyone else. (I know you are thinking yeah right huh) Really it was like everyone elses house. Only I was a lil screwed up inside. And I hide it well.

I dont want to blame her but i’m not making excuses for her either. My sister wasn’t all screwed up inside so it couldnt have been my parents. It was me. There was something there that I couldnt fix and I wasnt willing to talk to anyone. I became so distant that my parents were going to put me in private school.

I think it was like trying to get oil from a water spout when it came to raising me. I didnt know how to talk to them and she(mom) didnt know how to talk to me. But she wasnt peaches and creme either.
She made me crazy, insane.

You never knew what to expect from her. You would talk to her when she was still at work and she would be happy. Things would be great. And she would come home and you never knew how to act b/c you never knew what her mood would be. You walked on egg shells because no matter what. I couldnt do right. There was always a fight about something. Back then I didnt think she was capable of being happy.
I sometimes wonder if I am capable of being happy.

What if i’m just like her? I love her. I really do. But it took alot to get here. I moved out of her house in Jan of 98. We are friends now. We talk almost daily. If I dont hear from her I tend to worry. I look to her for advice. I look to her to listen to me. And she does. She is always there for me. But it took me growing up and moving out for us to get here. I dont know what caused us to dislike each other so much when I was growing up.

What if it was me? What if it was her? What if it was both of us and my dad really is right? And then I think, What if my daughter hates me like that? Can I live through that? To this day I dont know what my mom thought of me or what went through her head when things were tough. I don’t know if she was ever lost when it came to me like I was with her. I dont think I have the guts to ask her. The only thing I’m sure of is that She loved me.

okay my hand is numb again so it’s time for me to shut up.. More on the woe’s of Ivy later…