Ivy Tied Up |

When 2pm rolled around oh say 20 minutes ago. I had finally finished visiting my daily reads and wanted to sit down and do a bit of blogging myself. Instead I found myself standing, angry, in front of my kitchen counter mixing salt, pepper, and other spices into hamburger meat so I could fix the hubby something to eat.

Bug walks in and proceeds to tell me that my hands were nasty. I reply quietly and he walked off to either play the latest round of bumper cars with his trucks and cars, or rip the heads off of his sister’s barbies. All this time I’m standing there mixing meat, forming patties and warming the skillet, the girls cries, echoing in the background, I’m getting more and more angry.

I can’t help how I feel. Maybe I’m being selfish. Or maybe fed up is a better word. I have no ill feelings of fixing the kids their lunch or dinner. I have no problem standing on my feet to cook 3 meals a day when there is a thank you involved. The kids are always thanking me for what I do. And just so. I will say this proudly. I do deserve it. While they are my responsibility I go out of my way to see that what they need is done. Anyhow.. That doesn’t exactly say why I’m angry does it.

I’m standing there cooking these hamburger patties and my back is killing me. I have no idea what I’ve done to upset the pattern of my body lately. But my back has put me in so much pain It awarded me with a drs appt because I could no longer stand up straight. Anyhow. At the drs office I learn my blood pressure is high. No doubt HIGH. It didn’t alarm me. My blood pressure has been high since having my oldest. Nothing new there. But then the dr comes in. Seems this time my blood pressure is alarmingly high and over the last 3 months just keeps going up and up. My resting blood pressure was considered high. When upset. It was higher. I’m a walking time bomb for a heart attack or stroke. Lovely. I’m going to die at 25 years old from a heart attack or stroke.. Fucking lovely! The doctor tells me to change my diet, rest, rest, rest, exercise (which I cant do until I can stand up straight again), and to avoid stress at all costs. She also tells me to stop smoking AGAIN, and puts me back on wellbutrin and my anxiety meds. Its been 2 years since I’ve needed either (or so I thought)

I laughed out loud when the dr suggested removing stress from my life. She asked me who helped me with my kids (ages Just turned 6,4 1/2 and 2 1/2) I said ,”I do”. She proceeded with No, no. Who helps you. I said, “I DO!” she asked if I was married. I said that I was. She said, so your husband helps you. Again frustrated now, “NO! I may be married but these kids are MY responsibility. I care for them. I have always cared for them. Me, Myself, & I raise them. WITH OUT the help of others”. She states that I need to have a talk with my husband and get a break from the kids..

I go home frustrated because it seems everyone in the freaking world thinks that I should get help with the kids, “my mother, my father, my in-laws, my relatives, my friends, my sister, my husband” They all say I need a break. YET, not one of them will watch the kids and give me one. I don’t have the money to pay a sitter. yet all these people keep telling me I need a break and no one wants to give me one. They are all too busy with gardening, sleeping in, not cooking, not cleaning, nothing to do but watch TV, going shopping, lives to watch my kids just once over night so I can have a break.

It’s been 2 1/2 years since I’ve had a kid free night. That’s literally. The ONLY reason it was kid free was because I was laying in the hospital strapped up to machines because I had just been cut open so my youngest could make her way into the world. Before that It was another 2 years since I had gotten a kid free night. I have not had a break in 4 1/2 years (Since my son was born). So what am I bitching about? I had these kids they are my responsibility. Right?

I’m bitching because not only do I have everyone saying I need a break but now my dr is saying its life or death. And I KNOW I’m not going to get one.. Now onto about what this rant is really about..

So anyhow. I’m cooking hubby dinner and I’m angry right?
I’m angry because he thinks I Owe him. I owe him dinner when he wants it, I owe him sex, I owe him to have his clothes washed and LAID OUT for him, I owe him I owe him I owe him I owe him.

WHY? Because he works outside the home. He is a welder. He works hard. Like every other responsible adult. But you know what. Not every other responsible adult thinks the world owes them because they go out and make a living every day to provide for their family. He thinks that raising kids and taking care of a house and all that isn’t work. He doesn’t think my working from home is real work because I’m not out there in the heat busting my ass all day every day.
So I stand there cooking for a man who doesn’t appreciate anything I do for him.

I don’t have to cook for him. I don’t have to lay out his clothes. Matter of fact I’m the ONLY woman I know who does these things for their spouse.

I am tired of him thinking I owe him something. I am tired of the pity me attitude and I’m tired of giving when my health is failing.
I can’t avoid stress. It keeps piling on more and more.
Instead of being able to sit down and rest I am up doing and grabbing and getting and all that to make him happy. The man cant even get his clothes out of the damn dryer.. Good grief!

So I stood there angry cooking dinner thinking I had already cooked breakfast and lunch for the kids and will again have to cook dinner for them later because what I fixed him I cant eat (hamburger and fries) so I will have to fix dinner for myself and the kids later. I’m getting tired of fixing 4 and 5 meals a day. When I should be following the drs advice and resting.

I wouldn’t mind it so much if just once he would say thank you instead of thinking I owe it to him.. I’m just so frustrated.. GRR..
ahh and the time now.. is 3:32.. It only took me an hour to get this post written..