Ivy Tied Up |

Inside my mind. My emmotions have been flooding me inside. I’m drained emmotionally, physically, I’m becoming numb to the pain. These last few days have been hell. Extreme hell. Several reasons. Oh Goodness where to start..

1. The most important. My aunt’s grandson was kidnapped by his father. My aunt has legal custody of him and his father was down from out of state to have visitation. He is to have him from 9am till 6pm on Saturday and Sunday. But NOT over night. He called and said he was not bringing him back. The cops are dragging their feet. The lawyers are arguing. I have no clue right now whats going on, as I haven’t been able to reach anyone on the phone today.

2. My son. Oh where to begin on that one. I had no plans of sharing my parenting problems on here because like I said in a comment on another blog. I can just hear the reactions in my head. But I realize someone out there may be in the same spot I’m in and be thinking, “What next? I can’t handle anymore! Is it just my kid? How do I do this? What do I do? What if I run away and never look back?”

You see. My problems well they are literally driving me insane. For a long time I blamed myself and even tried to ignore the problem. I tired for 2 years. It all started when he was about 2 1/2. I kept telling myself there was/is no problem. It’s me. I’m just not doing something right. There is no problem. It’s normal. All parents go through this. And several told me that.

However. Not All parents go through what I go through. Some of them look at me with disgust when it comes to my son. Hell Tom cruise would have a field day explaining just what I’m doing wrong and that my son just needs vitamins and a lil bit of exercise.
With Tom being so educated in Psychology, Psychiatry, and all. You know he has done his research and knows exactly what’s wrong with my child. He has after all read several reports on the subject. YET I doubt he has ever been in the same room with a child like mine.

I have done everything I could think of to deal with my son. He is now 4 years old. And as I’ve said before. For along time I’ve blamed everything and tried to come up with some kind of reasoning to justify his behavior. I’ve finally after 2 years come to the conclusion that I have in fact done NOTHING wrong. I have 2 perfectly fine kids. They do not behave the way my son does. They do not act out. They are polite, well behaved children. They do push my buttons and test my limits and yes, that part of parenting is normal. That is 100% normal. However, my son’s behavior is NOT.

You are wondering by now, just what is wrong with my son. If you aren’t then you should be. But that’s okay because I’m going to tell you. I’m not sure I can classify him as having something wrong. But something is certainly wrong with his behavior. I’m not sure I’m not 100% to blame. But I do know as I said above my other 2 children do not act this way.

My son is well; I’m not even sure how to word it. He is everything parents in stores shake their heads at. He is everything that you look at with disgust and say; “If that was my kid ______________________” You fill in the blank. He is all of that. He is the kid in the store that you turn your nose up at. He is the one running off, climbing out of the basket, telling me NO! He is the one who breaks things, yells he hates me, and bites his sister. He is all of those things. He is destructive, hyper, bouncing off the walls. Yes, He destroys things. My house for one. I cannot keep my house clean because he walks behind me destroying it. He can’t be trusted alone with his sisters because he may kick, hit, punch, yell, curse, bite, ect them. I’m at my wits end.

I cannot win this battle with him. I know. You are thinking I haven’t tried _________, ________________, or ______________. I’ve tried it.
I’ve tried behavior charts, spankings (yes those of you against it. At one time I did in fact try it. ), Time out, ect. I’ve tried it all. Behavior charts were totally pointless. Rewards were just bribing him. Time out was a joke; spanking him just ticked him off and then he went and took it out on someone else.

I always thought when I saw or heard of other parents going through this that it was the parent. There was something they were either doing or not doing. In some cases I do believe this to be the case. But I’ve experienced it first hand. And I relate to those parents. They can’t always be to blame.

I love my son very very much. He is so very smart. So handsome and so sweet when he wants to be. Some days are just gold, But if you upset him, change his schedule, or he just wakes up on the wrong side of the bed you better watch out.

Like I said. It started when he was about 2 – 2 ½. I don’t know what I did or what triggered it. I spoke to his dr. Even took him in. At one doctors visit his doctor had to physically restrain him because he was so out of control. I cried that day at the doctor’s office. I kept wondering what it is I did wrong. Where did I go wrong? Why my child?
His doctor kept telling me it wasn’t me. Yet I didn’t believe him. He encouraged me to take him to a psych dr.

I put it off for another year. Telling myself it would get better. I just needed to change some of my parenting ways. It was something I was or wasn’t doing. It never got better. It actually got worse. Here I am now. He is 4 years old. I’m fighting a battle I can NOT win. My husband and I almost divorced because we can’t agree on how to handle his behavior. We can’t live our lives because they are wrapped around my son’s behavior. We do not go out to eat, we do not go to the movies, and we hate to go to the store because we never know how my son is going to act.

Our lives have been turned upside down because of my son’s behavior. My oldest (6) is having a hard time dealing with my son’s behavior. He destroys her things. She just had a bday party this past weekend and with in 24 hours he had destroyed 4 of her gifts. It only takes you turning your back and he destroys everything in his path. And its not for lack of him having stuff. My youngest (2) is trying to cope with my son taking up so much of my time and attention. I’m losing this battle.

It’s a battle I feel I shouldn’t be fighting. I feel there should be some way for me to force him to behave. Yet I’m so lost. I’m lost, I’m lost, I’m lost. I often feel like running away. Just saying HERE! I’m done. I can’t take it anymore, I want out. This is too much!
And it is too much. It’s too much for one person to handle. Yet I’m the only one going to handle it. He is my child. They are my children. I love him no matter how horrible his behavior gets. I love him no matter what. I however have come to the conclusion that since my health is now an issue. I cannot fight this battle alone anymore. I need help.
I have scheduled my son an appt with a psych dr. He goes at the end of July. No this isn’t because I want him doped up so that I can deal with him and do not have to spend my time with him. This is because I think that there has to be something more I can do. There has to be an answer to WHY this Is happening. There has to be something that I’m missing.

I’m hoping that I can learn to cope with this and that we can find a way to work this out. I can’t walk out on my child. I never would. The thought has been there when I’m at the end of my rope and I’m ready to jump off. The thought has been there when I’m the only one dealing with the messes every day, cleaning up the things that have been destroyed, when I’m telling my girls its okay we will buy you a new one, when I’m telling people I’m sorry I can’t make it that I’m not feeling well when the real reason I can’t make it is because I’m scared to take my son in public.

Occasionally I feel like giving up the fight. But I have to believe there is something better. That at some point we will be able to go into public and at that point I will have a better handle on life. His and mine. I have to believe that we will get better. That at some point I can put him in his room with out worrying if he will put a hole in the wall.

So this is my story of my son. I’ve never claimed to be a good parent. I am however doing the best that I can with what I have. And what I do have is 3 kids that I love more than I’ve ever loved anything/anyone else. I am a parent who wants what’s best for ALL of my kids. Even if I have to look deep with in myself to find my own faults.

It’s been raining for along time now.. The sun will come out soon!