And how…
Posted by ivy | Under Ivy Unleashed Wednesday Jul 20, 2005I’ve got my first guest post tonight!
But first..
You guys are so funny.. Now I agree there is nothing wrong with looking at the menu. Thats never been an issue. Its what I want to do to the entree that is the problem ;).. . I wouldnt but still..
Onto the reason i’m posting..
Tonights post comes from a friend who we will call Jen since she doesnt want to have her name revealed.
If you have a confession/secret email it to me : ivytiedupATgmailDOTcom
Ivy,
I’ve got a dilema on my hands. As you know i’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now. Before him, I had a very active past and he knows about all of it. A few weeks ago he asked me to marry him. While I should be thrilled and enjoying the upcoming months planning my dream wedding, I find myself walking around in a foggy haze. Reason being, shortly before we met, I had a fling. It lasted about a week. I never lied to my boyfriend about it. We both shared our pasts, as we each believed we had a right to know what we were getting into.
What my boyfriend doesnt know is that the fling was with his brother. I realize now that I have never shared this with anyone, not even you. It wasnt until my boyfriend and I had been together a while that I found out who his brother was. My boyfriend had been so excited about me meeting his family. Upon arrival all was great until his brother walked in and our eyes met. Reality set in immediately for both of us.
I debated from that night on wether or not I should tell my boyfriend about this. A few weeks later I ran into his brother in the grocery store. His brother aproached me and felt we should keep this between us. I agreed still unsure of myself.
Things have been fine for about a year and half, but since my boyfriend asked me to marry him, he is now asking me to be completely honest with him about my past, as he claims he has been with me. I have no doubts he has been honest with me about his past. I have been honest with him about mine. The only thing I havent told him is about his brother. He knows that I had a fling but not with whom.
He is pushing me lately for the name of who I was with, as we are from a small town he knows that there is a good chance he knows the guy I was with. I can’t bring myself to lie to him and at the same time I can’t bring myself to tell him who it was with.
Why is this an issue for him so suddenly? He has never asked me before. Now he wants to know and since i’m not talking he knows something is up. This was before I met him.
Thanks Ivy for listening to me. I look forward to some advice.
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I think Jen is a little nervous about her post.. She isnt normally so formal.. Know I love ya girl! Does any one have any advice for Jen?
sorry, i don’t have any advice for this… either way “could” go wrong. note, i said could.
i asked my husband this conundrum and said that the best way to solve this is to tell the truth. ‘coz if you continue to hide this and even if he accepts the fact that it’s something you can’t tell him.. it’ll always be there between the two of you. what’s worse, in his mind, the fling could grow into something monstrous and believe that it’s something that was meaningful for you.
it’s better to tell the truth and it’s better that it comes from you, and not someone else. he knows that you had a fling and has continued to love you… that shows that he loves you no matter what. and the fact that you didn’t know it was his brother… well, it should “ease” matters.
i do hope this helps somewhat… and cheesy as it may sound, love DOES conquer all.
It sounds to me like the boyfriend might have an idea of who it is already and wants to know if she’ll be honest and reveal it. I’d almost say to go ahead and tell, so that way it’s all out in the open. Best to find out now if he’ll bail than after the wedding. It will come out at some point, no question, as secrets get harder to keep over time. But, I’d first tell the brother that the secret will be spilled, so he’s not confronted blindly.
Jen,
I gotta agree with both of these ladies. Sorry I dont have any other advice for you. This mightn ot be what you wanted to hear, but I think it is for the best. We cant make your decision for ya. But I think that keeping it from him does make the “Secret” look bigger than it is. Yeah it being with his brother is potentially a big thing but I think it would have had a bigger impact (just my opinion now) had he found out when you guys first got together. The relationship could have ended back then. but you guys are talking marriage and I think your relationship is strong enough to handle this. I really do. Its not like you have feelings for his brother and I get the impression you never did.
Like Becky said too he could already have an idea of who it is. He might get mad or upset but I’m sure its something you guys will work through.
Guys usally always want to know stuff like that.
Hands down.
He’ll probably stay at it until the NFO is divuldged.
I don’t envy you being in this situation, but honesty may be the best way to go. Becuase if he already knows who it is, he’ll know your lying then won’t trust you.
It’s not your fault your in this situation you didn’t know things would turn out like this. I mean you haven’t cheated on your fiancee.
But if your starting a married life together it’s probably best to be honest, you never know your relationship may be stronger becuase of it.
i agree with Becky up there… perhaps she should tell; but then again it is a touch and go thingy. She should go ahead and tell him, if she feels that he can take it without raising a storm about it. She is the judge.
besides, whatever anyone of us may say; she is the one to take the decision and i hope that she does take a decision which will help her.
anyways all the best to Jen and a hug for her too.
I’d tell him now… That way it’s all up front before it becomes an issue during your marriage.
Me, I’m the opposite… I’d like to believe that my wife was a virgin when we met… even though I know it’s not the case… but there aren’t any details that I want to hear. It’s her past… and I’ll leave it at that.
I’m with you guppy.. I know there is a past.. Hell almost everyone has one.. But I dont need to know the details of said past..
Yeah me and him both leave it that way .We didn;t do the usual breakdown of who and how before marriage ..We just pretend each other never had sex before ..lol Works good that way
But I agree that if she is serious about this man and wants to marry him that she should get it out in the open so it does not become an issue later .I say this only because it was his brother .