Ivy Tied Up |

I’ve got friends and family all along south Louisiana and South Miss..
I’ve only been able to reach one of them today. And one of them last night. I worry for their safety. Of course while I worry for their safety they fear their homes are being destroyed and some worry what they will go home to while others are waiting out the storm sitting through it all. I’m no stranger to hurricanes. I’ve weathered a few. And I’m glad it didnt come at us this time. Although they say we will get one this year i’m hoping we dont.. I dont want to leave my home and I dont want to worry about coming home to nothing. I feel for my family and friends I have along the coast right now.. This is part of living on the coast. Something we know can and will happen but nothing we will ever get use to. To any of you with family and friends in the path of Katrina.. your families and friends are in my thoughts.. Please keep mine in yours..

Ivy

My kids are young.. 6,4, and soon to be 3(in another week and half). I’ve spent the last 7 years watching them grow one way or another.. There has been late night feedings, up all night with them crying and myself unable to fix it. There has been ear infections, sore throats, bad hair cuts, owies, potty mouth, diva complex, spoiled brat complex, anger, frustration, First steps, weaning off bottles, pacifiers, birthdays, holidays, smiles, giggles, tears, shots, doctors visits, first night away from home, first day of preschool, new friends, more tears, I dont want to’s , no’s, first day of kindergarten, kindergarten graduation, envy, its not fair’s, and now first ear piercings. FUn FUN!

I was at walmart (the only store here where you can get everything you need in one place..gotta love small towns)the other night and as I was walking down the bread aisle Diva says,”I want to get my ears pierced today”. I said HUH????????? She said,”You guys said when I was six I could get them done”.True True. Hubby wouldnt let me do them when she was a baby. When she was 4 she wanted them and we said no. To wait till she was 6 and if she still wanted them she could get htem done with the understanding that she knew it would hurt. Well the other day (thursday) was that day! I said,”Are you sure?” she said,”Well can we just go look at the earrings?” I said sure. So we went over there. She stood there for 20 minutes looking. Finally I told her I couldnt wait anymore I had to go..She pointed,”I WANT THESE!!!” It shocked me. I didnt think she would actually do it. She sat down and They asked her if she wanted me to hold her hand.. She did. So I held her hand and she says,”I think im going to throw up”.. I was like OH GOODNESS!!! Just what i need.. Not only is she going to throw up and feel horrible she is going to throw up all over me! I know what a horribly selfish thing to say and think..but come on..Had you been in my position you would have thought the same thing..

When they lined up the marks made on her ears she could feel the earrings pushing on her skin and started going oh oh oh.. I figured that would end it right there.. They counted to 3 and it was all over. She stood up and i could tell by her face she wanted to cry. BUT She didnt.. I however got tears in my eyes from seeing the look on her face. She wanted to cry but her pride wouldnt let her..Instead she did exactly what I would have done. She jumped into her momma’s arms (that would be me) and burried her face in my shoulder. In less than a minute she was ready to go. They explained to her about keeping them clean and she was ready to go. She has been so excited to show everyone she knows. All her lil friends are jealous (those who’s moms wont let them get them done because they just dont believe in it (its against their religion)). So right now I’m the cool mom. The one everyone wants. And diva is so cool right now..

She passed a mile stone. Her FIRST decision regarding her own body. A decision I had nothing to do with. I think peer pressure had something to do with it. But it was still her choice. BUT Then she came home from school telling me one of her friends parents has their nose pierced and her tongue..UM whoa buddy! Back up there a minute. We got ears pierced nothing was said about nose rings or tongue rings.. When she is 18 she is more than welcome to pierce what she wants but my goodness she just got her ears pierced..How did tongue and nose come into this? What.. IS a tattoo next???????????????????????

Am I ready for this? Whats to come? What if she is just like me? If so i’m in trouble! My theory was it was my body.. I’d do what I wanted.. I had 5 holes in one ear and 4 in the other. All but one set of piercings I did myself.. Have I opened up the setting for the future by letting her get her ears pierced????????????

Howdy Ya’ll..
said in my best southern texas drawl
Oh I just had to get that out. Everyonce in awhile the texan in me creeps to the surface and I have to let out a howdy ya’ll or a YEE HAW to make myself feel better.. LOL.. Must be me missing my teenage years when I had the occassional urge to find myself a nice lil cowboy to run wild with. Not that it lasted long. Cowboys I only craved once in awhile..LOL

Anyhow. I think Becky is right. I’m having withdrawls and its causing me to get sick. I do not enjoy this. To me the easy thing would be to just pick up the pack I keep in my truck and smoke one. I know its crazy but for me having a pack on hand makes it easier on me. Its not like I CANT have one. They are there. I’m choosing not to have one. That somehow makes it easier. Whatever it takes right? Last time I kept a pack for 3 months (the entire 3 months I was sick) It was when i threw the pack away that I broke shortly after. Silly huh?

Lately my nerves have been on end. I’m sure the no smoking, the sickness, and all have something to do with it. But PMS plays a major role and the kids are doing things that just put me on edge. yes I know thats part of them being kids and I know i shouldnt get all my feathers in a ruff but there is only so much on person can take.

Diva has been on an emmotional rollercoaster since school started. She has been in trouble several times for talking in class, cut her hair at school, her capris, and her car tag they make them wear. What on earth was she thinking? WHY would she do that? UGH!

Bug has been HYPER. Every day when he gets home from school he is on cloud 9 and wants to run WILD. Only problem is that hubby is trying to sleep and the slamming doors, r unning through the house, cars on the wall, him bouncing off the ceiling keeps hubby from sleeping and then i get to listen to the complaints.

And started yesterday Sugar mama is crying non stop. Whinning about everything and anything she can. she is mad at the world. SO UPSET about everything. She has given me a headache 2 nights in a row. She says her ear hurts. I couldnt get her into the doctors office today but she will be going tom.. She wants me to hold her non stop.

But the kids are liking school. We are finally getting a routine in order. And they are happy.. They just need to calm down a little..LOL.. One thing that is aggrevating me is that since school started Hubby hasnt seen diva. He only sees her on the weekends because when she gets home from school he is gone to work and when he gets home in the morning she is asleep. So they dont see each other until Friday when Hubby is off.. : (

Its exhausting……………….

I stopped smoking in Jan. On Jan 1.With in a week I was sick as a dog. Throat infection, allergy/sinus infection, ear ache. Then I got the flu because I couldnt get over that mess. I stayed sick from jan till march. I was in and out of the doctors office. I couldnt get well. It was ridiculous. Tons of money thrown down the drain because the meds wouldnt make me well. I had so much fluid in my ears the doctor swore to me he didnt see how they hadnt busted. He swore that any minute they were goign to bust and there wasnt anything they could do for me if they did. He said it would hurt like hell to be ready for it. It was literally the most miserable 2 1/2 to 3 months of my life. I was so freaking miserable. I remember telling my mom then. That it was odd that while I smoked I didnt get sick often. A cold here and there yes, seasonal allergies yes, Constant I feel like ive been ran over and am going to die sick? No.. but with in a week of stopping smoking I was horribly ill. I started smoking in March again. I couldnt deal with the stress that was going on in my life. The constant pressure and the sickness I felt. But I felt like a loser for smoking again. I wanted to quit and not start back. i really did. My kids were so proud of me when I quit. And when I started back I let them down. I felt like shit. But the odd thing was.. While I have had a virus here and there since i started smoking again I havent dealt with allergy/sinus or an ear ache at all. Sure i’ve gotten sick. I had that stomach virus and another virus but it lasted a few days not months and I was over it. I didnt have constant itchy watery eyes, my head did not pound, I havent had pressure in my ears making my feel like my head was going to explode. So from March until recently Ive been okay.. Mostly..

Now fast forward until this past week. I stopped smoking again. Yeah i didnt blog about it because I didnt want to jinx myself. I started a few weeks ago cutting down (which in all reality does not really work.. you want to stop you stop cold turkey..)So about a week and half ago i stopped completely. Well in the last few days.. The sickness is back. The itchy watery eyes. Constant itchy nose. Sore throat, my ear is killing me. The fluid is building BACK up.. And its the same ear it started off with last time. My voice is shot because the throat crap. The infection is coming back. The pressure is building. And im back on the meds I was on last time for it that didnt help so much. BUT it did get the fluid down in my ears.. This is unreal to me. It really is. It makes no sense to me what so ever. you are suppose to be healthier when you stop smoking. YOu are suppose to feel better, have more energy, ect. ect. ect. But everytime i stop smoking I get sick. This has been the same result over the last 5 years.. so WHY do i stop? I crave them really bad. So bad i could claw someones eyes out. My blood pressure says that I HAVE to stop. I can not keep smoking. I will die early in my life. I no longer want to be a walking time bomb. A friend told me this happens to some people. She told me to stick with it that my body must adjust. Last time after 2 1/2 to 3 months I was still sick. i had been on round after round of medication. I cant do that again. I couldnt even care for my kids I was so sick. This makes no sense what so ever and it sounds like a crazy excuse to smoke.. LOL But I wont.. I have to stop.. My kids want me to.. And my doctor told me to. And its just the smart thing to do. And not only that.. Do you see what they are charging for a pack of Marlboros now days??

Who knew going to the first grade would be so exhausting.. And i’m just the mom! All week I did car pool. Carried 3 or 4 giggling girls and one “Im too tired, I dont wanna go” boy to school every day. Everyday on the way to the school I grilled the girls (all 1st graders) on their spelling words. I was confident that all of them would come home with 100s on their papers. I had worked so hard and so did they. Friday I waited on the edge of my seat for them to come bursting through my door with their papers in hand. Girl 1 and Girl 2(neighbors) made 100s.. Diva however made a 90. I really expected it as she had heck with the word Where. She misspelled it all week. Only friday morning she knew the word. On her spelling test she spelled it were. However all week long she spelled it uhere. So atleast she got the w .. .lol..

Bug already wants to quit school. He doesnt like getting up in the mornings..He actually gets dressed with out a problem. Diva is the one I have hell getting dressed and ready. But bug.. He just screams and screams that he doesnt want to go.

OH! And school has only been in a week.. 1 week! and they sent a fundraiser home. And its NASTY NASTy cookie dough. They want us to sell something that just makes people fat. People do not want to buy it because it tastes like garbage.. Why cant they sell something that people need or want? There are a ton of companies that offer fundraisers. hell we havent even had a PTA meeting yet..

Anyone elses’ kids schools do this?

Off to a good start for the week. We had to get rid of Roscoe yesterday. My son kept being mean to him and after 2 weeks of hell for both myself and the dog I got rid of him. I couldnt continue to put that poor puppy through it anymore. Bug kept bugging him and irritating him to the point of where Roscoe would growl if he came near him. I said no more! And started searching for a home for him. It took a week to find someone who I thought could offer him a good home and provide the needed environment for him. My “conditions” were that 1. The family have no kids. and 2. He be INSIDE because thats all he knows. I was looking for someone who needed a companion. Maybe someone who was older and was alone. The lady I found was perfect. She was older. In her late 70s. Her dog had to be put to sleep just a few months earlier and hse had been searching for the perfect dog.. Roscoe was perfect. he loves women and loves to be loved on and she doesnt have any kids. I hope she really takes care of him and I think she will.. He is such a sweet pooch.. The girls are upset that I got rid of him. But I feel like I did the right thing. We still have Daisy. Bug isnt mean to her like he was to Roscoe (I dont understand that.. I really dont).

Anyhow. First day of school for the kiddos was last week. They went on Tuesday to meet their teachers and put up school supplies and all of that. Both the kids have WONDERFUL teachers. I’m told they have the BEST teacher for their grades. Which I hope is true. Diva doesnt need another bad year. last year was horrible and she hated it all due to the teacher and one lil girl who kept harassing her. I swore that if htat lil girl was in her class this year I would have her moved. Lucky that lil girl is no where near her class! WOO HOO!

Thursday was their first OFFICIAL day of school. Diva goes all day and Bug goes half a day. Well the first day was NOT FUN.. I was sick with the stomach virus from hell and had to carry the kids to school. I left at 7:30 to take Diva to school. Then because Bug needed a shot I had to drive 45 min to his doctors office get his shot he needed which took all of 5 minutes and then drive all the way back to his school. We arrived at his school at about 9:15. They actually let me walk him to his class which is odd because they have a rule that parents are not allowed past the front office. They say this is for the safety of the students. They even run background checks on the parents before we are allowed to help out at the school even if its for a classroom party. Anyhow. I walked him to his class and took him in. He kinda clung to me for a minute or two but when it was time for me to leave he said bye. And that was it. I was cool with that and left. Lil bit was okay too until I said,”Are you ready to go home?” she started freaking out! Yelling she wanted her brudder and she wanted him now. She did not want to leave him at school. This is the first time they’ve been apart. (other than his first sleep over a few weeks ago and then she freaked out too). She was not happy she screamed and cried for him the whole time we were walking to the car. I took her to my grandmothers house because we only had an hour to kill before picking her brudder back up. When it was time to go I asked if she was ready to go get him. She said YEAH! Well I had an extra few minutes and decided to stop at my friends job to say hi first. She was NOT liking that.. She started screaming,”NO NAE NAE’s (what she calls diva) school now!” and “Not nae’ nae’s school!” meaning this wasnt the school. she was ready to go pick up her brudder! When he got into the truck he was confused. On the way home he asked where Diva was. I told him she was still at school. He seemed okay with it until we turned down our road and he asked to play with girl 1 and girl 2 (neighbors). I told him they were still at school. To which he replied with ,”Then why am I here?” I couldnt help but laugh. Even now he is just now understanding that he gets out at 11 and they get out at 3:20. He doesnt understand why but he is starting to accept it. Today is the 4th day of school and already he is not wanting to go. I fought him this morning as he screamed he doesnt like school he wants to go back to bed. But he comes home in the afternoon happy. So I’m assuming he needs to go to bed earlier so he wakes up happy. We shall see. I’m working on getting them to bed earlier but its not easy. We have so much going on in the afternoons.. Diva is liking school. She says its hard. She is in the 1st grade this year. She says they have a math book and its,”HARD HARD HARD” I tried to tell her math was not hard.. Its nothing but logic and she looked at me like I was stupid. I’m sure if I was 6 years old I’d look at me like I was stupid too.. Lucky for me.. Math is something I’m very good at and its very easy for me.. Unlucky for her I’m not good at explaining things that just make sense to me. Now language arts and stuff.. yeah.. That i’m not so good at. As you can tell here i’m sure. I do not really care much about complete sentences and things. I often do my best but sometimes I just really do not care. And probably often form one very long run on sentence. I could care less about pronouns, verbs, nouns, ect. And I can’t stand it when people take their time to correct others or make fun of others for it. If we were in a business setting I could understand. And I could easily ridicule but ya know what? (yeah I said ya.. ) This isnt a business setting, this is my blog.. HA HA.. Now in my business life (yes I have one) I’m very professional and do care about those things. Any how what does this have to do with the kids first day of school..

Diva came home on the first day on cloud nine. Excited about everything except for the math book(oh yeah thats how the rampage about pronouns started). She really likes her teacher. She has one kid in her class that was in her class last year. But the rest are all new to her. I told her I wanted her to make new friends and she said,”But I already did” so I guess things are going well. No,”I HATE SCHOOL, I’M never going back” tantrums yet. She has had a few melt downs in the last two days but they had nothing ot do with school..

She already has homework. And spelling words (which I was just totally unprepared for.. she just seems too little for a spelling list..LOL). She has a spelling test and a reading test this Friday. Its my responsibility to make sure she is prepared. OF course I’m now mean because I’ve been drilling her and her friends everytime they turn around. But they’ve done well.. They easily spell the words to me.. WOO HOO GO ME! lol.. Makes me feel like i’m doing something right.. She WILL know those words on friday! If she doesnt. It wont be lack of my parenting skills.

I want to thank you all for your well wishes for this past week when we were all so sick. It was a very hard and stressful week. Everyone seems to be recovered now.. Diva said a lil girl in her class left today throwing up because she has a stomach bug.. I swear (I know.. my mom always told me not to swear but oh well) she better not get that mess again! I think 2 times is plenty. Anymore i’m going to have to take out stock in both Clorox and Lysol companies!

Hope you all are doing well! I havent had a chance to read many blogs lately.. Will be making my ro unds in the morning as I’m off to bed now..

I’ve been non existant since Saturday evening. The virus my husband has found its way to my kiddos. Saturday my kids went to a birthday party. Saturday night my son got up at 11pm and started vomiting. It went on all night long into the next morning. Sunday he started running 101 fever. He was okay after it broke and started bouncing off the walls. Monday morning I had a ton of errands to run. Shipping ot be done, school clothes to be bought and my oldest woke up complaining her stomach was hurting. She sat there telling me she was going to be sick and next thing I know she is vomiting all over my house.. It was a day from hell. It was horrible.. She kept on and I felt so sorry for her. She would look at me and cry. Beg me to make it better. She even asked me to take her to the doctor. But there is nothing the doctor could do for her. Its a stomach virus that lasts anywhere from 24 hours to 72 hours. And once your over it your over it. She was so upset. She was hurting and I couldnt fix it. She was miserable and I was miserable for her. The only request I could do for her was to hold her head while she got sick. So all day monday I sat next to her and held her head up for her. And scrubbed the carpet. Tuesday she felt a bit better but not totally so she laid around all day. Dh is working nights. He came home tuesday morning from work throwing up. He did that all day tuesday and all day wed so I was busy taking care of him and the kids. It hit me Tuesday evening. I didnt have a choice but to keep going. no one else was going to help me. And no one else was going to take care of me or the kids. I doped myself up on nausea meds which helped some and then today it hit me full force. I spent hte day hauling kids to school and home and being miserable while trying to do it. It’s been one hell of a week. The lil one has it now. She is miserable and there is nothing I can do. I’ll write tom about the kids first day of school (diva went to 1st grade and bug went to Pre-k) when I’m feeling better..

I’ve got a wonderful new look! I have to be honest.. The pink you guys saw before.. Was odd for me. I really am far from fond of the color pink..

I have the wonderful and talented MissZoot to thank for my new look.. I figured she wouldnt get to it until atleast the end of september but in the last few weeks she has really pumped out some awesome designs! She emailed me asking if I was ready to talk designs.. I emailed her back with my only request that It have 3 columns (i just like 3 columns..LOL) and a bunch of links to pictures I liked. She did the rest. The colors are awesome! So thank you MissZoot! I love it.. You rock!

After reading Colleen’s post about CSections and all the comments posted on her blog I’ve decided to come share my experiences with the world..

I had my oldest at 19. It was the hottest year that I can remember..(1999). I was due with her at the end of May and it was already hitting 105 to 110. I was huge! Big, Fat, Miserable and huge! My bloodpressure was sky rocketing and high enough to harm me.. My little brother passed away when I was due. He was 3 years old and it added stress and caused my bloodpressure to soar. I was begging the doctor to take her. I knew things were not right but he would not listen to me. He regarded me as some teenage girl who didnt know much about her body. When I was 3 weeks overdue I finally went into labor. Just so happened it was the very day that I was to go into the doctors office to talk to the doctor about being induced.

I awoke that morning feeling crappy. Called my mom freaking out because things were not right.. She told me I was going to go into labor soon.. she was sure of it. With in 30 minutes the contractions started. I went into my scheduled doctors appt because after all it was right there next to the hospital. He checked me and concluded that yes she would be born that day. He sent me to go walk and told me to head to the hospital later that day. We left to walk and When we arrived at the hospital we were told they couldnt reach my doctor. By this point the contractions were on top of each other. I was in real pain and just wanted her out! I didnt really care how they got her out just please get her out.. They called and called and paged my doctor and they were told that he had gone out to eat and he had left his pager at home. The good news for the staff was that I wasnt dilating but I was in huge amounts of pain. Suddenly the pain shifted and i felt a new sensation. It was akward weird and stabbing pain. The nurse checked me and I had gone from a 3 to a 8 in just a matter of minutes. She tried my doctor again and he was no where to be found so they had another doctor wash up and as he started to come in my doctor arrived wearing a leather vest and what looked like a leather golf hat. It was the oddest scene but I was far from amused.

He cleaned up and changed and decided he would grace me with his presence. After hours of pushing things were not progressing. Her heart rate kept dropping and every time I would push she would go down and then right back up. Labor gives pain new meaning. My doctor started to get pissy and said,”If you cant push for any longer than this, I could go play a round of golf and smoke a cigar”. Any woman who has been in labor can just imagine my feelings at this point. I was beyond hurt and upset. I saw rage! Not only did he use my brand new socks as his personal hand towel but then he insulted me while I was laying on a hospital bed spread eagle for the world to see with a kid trying to come out of me who had no plans of actually coming out on her own. I kept telling him something was wrong. Something wasnt right. I knew my body and I knew the feelings that I kept having were not the same. no I had never been in labor before but I damn sure am capable of telling the difference in the way my body is acting. Something was not right. After this is where things start to get blury. I remember a monitor going crazy, the doctor yelling and screaming. he was cussing nurses using F*ck like it was going out of style. Saying that they had to get out of his F*cking way NOW! He then put me up on my hands and knees and wheeled me out of my room down the hall into a stainless steel room (that image now gives me the creeps). He then rolled me over onto an operating bed and strapped me down. I dont know if any of you have ever had this experience. But when you take someone who is scared of being confined or held down and you strap her legs and arms to a table. She tends to flip out.. It was the worst feeling for me. Or what I thought was the worst.. The worst was yet to come. He was so calm in all of this. Like it was something he did every day. There was another doctor in there with him and they were talking among themselves. As he walked by me I managed to grab his sleeve and ask if he aws going to give me something ..something for hte pain.. He said yes and started cutting me open. I never received anything for the pain. I felt the entire c section. I was gutted like a hog (for anyone who hunts and kills their own food.. You know this picture well)I was tied to a table and cut open. It was the most extreme pain I’ve ever been in. In my entire lil life this was the worst pain I’ve ever endured. It hurt so bad It couldnt have been real. I remember laying there begging to die. I kept thinking this is it, its over. Here I go. It seemed to last forever. I didnt think they would ever stop cutting me and pulling at me. The pain was so extreme I wanted to die. This whole time I was screaming. What else can you do when you are in that kind fo pain? A nurse walked in and froze. She stood there in what i’m g uessing was shock. She just kept saying ,”Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god” Finally the guy who gives the anesthesia came in. He walked up to me and started stroking my head. He kept patting me and saying ,”Poor baby, oh god poor baby”. He yelled at the nurse whowas standing there and she just stood there. He then yelled something to the extent of he wo uld do it himself. The next thing I remember was hearing my daughter cry and that was it. I either passed out or the doctor knocked me out. I woke up in the recovery room later that evening. My dad ran in out of no where yelling. He kept crying. I wont ever forget the look on his face. It was fear and relief mixed. He was so scared. He kept saying,”your okay, your okay.I thought I lost you” The nurses were telling him to get out that he couldnt come in here.. He chuckled at me and said something like they couldnt keep him away. They wouldnt even let my husband back to see me. After that I remember a few hours later they wheeled me back to my room. I was on morphine drip for a little while. It made me itch like crazy. I didnt see that doctor again for the rest of my hospital stay. It wasnt until a few days later that I found out that after the doctor stapled me up he went out ot my parents and told my mom,”She is going to hate me when she wakes up but she is goign to be fine”. I saw the nurse 2 weeks later to get my staples out and I never went back. Hate him..Yes very much! He butchered me. It wasnt until a good while later when i was finally able to talk about my experience that I learned from my husbands family that alot went on in the hall way of hte hospital that night as well. They could all hear me screaming all down the hall. They said both my husband and my father became frantic. They wouldnt let them in. They said my husband tried to break down the doors and became trapped between two doors that you had to have the nurses unlock. And they said my fahter kept pacing back and forth down the hall crying that he had just lost his son and was going to lose his daughter as well. That image makes me cry. I know I was in pain that night. But I also knew what was going on and I was in the situation. i was there. I knew what was going on.. They didnt. They had no idea if I was okay, if the baby was okay. The only image they had was me screaming. The fear and hurt I feel for what they were put through is huge. I can’t imagine feeling that fear for my child. I cant imagine being put through that as a parent.
As I said on my comment on Colleen’s blog. The recovery from that c section took me months. I was unable to do much. Sleep was the majority of what I did. I was unable to care for my own child. I was in constant pain. My cut was up and down and every time I moved a staple would lodge itself in my skin or turn around and i ended up with a part of my incision being inflammed and infected for a short while.
Not even a year later I found myself pregnant again. I did not want another child at that point. The fear was still too great from having my daughter. The pain still too real. My body tried to reject the pregnancy several times. I was put on bed rest for a majority of the pregnancy and spent hte entire pregnancy in and out of hte doctors office. I was there either weekly or every 2 weeks. I found a really good doctor for that pregnancy. he was very understanding, listened to me and we discussed a vbac. The risks were too high for me. I had scar tissue built up from the last C section plus I had had surgery in 98 due to female problems. Then the added risk of the way my incision was. My cut was nothing near pretty.. It wasnt a clean even incision either. It was rough. The problems I had experienced while trying to deliver my first.. The risks were just too high.. So he was born via aplanned c section. It went off with out a problem. The doctor was amazing. however the feelings from my first experience came back when they started prepping me for surgery. The fear was there and i couldnt squash it. I felt like I was being choked when they tied me down and started prepping me. It took them awhile to calm me down before they put me under. My son was born healthy and kicking! We bonded as soon as I woke up and everything was “great”.
Now my youngest.. That pregnancy was something else. It wasnt a bad pregnancy.. not at all.. It was rough though. I knew for a while she was never going to make it to her due date. She too was to be a planned c section due to the risks involved. On September 4 I had a doctors appt. I told the doctor she is coming SOON. he checked me said I was fine and she wasnt coming anytime soon. September 5th I went into labor.. She was born almost 6 weeks early. Now tell me I dont know? I was in labor with her for 11 hours too.. (thats my fault.. I didnt listen to my body. I was convinced the contractions would stop). The hard part of that was when they stated they were going to leave me awake for the c section. Immediately my fear came back and I couldnt breathe. I freaked out. They took me into the stainless steel room of hell and tied me down. When I really started freaking out they decided it was best to put me under. My mom told them ,”I tried to tell you guys” and explained what I had been through. Needless to say they told her hse should have t old them that from the beginning. (I couldnt speak at this point.. The fear was so much all i could do was cry and shake). Its a really odd feeling when you are strapped to a table with a mask over your face and everyone is walking around doing their job and talking but not talking to you.. sometimes its about you. its almost like you arent there. Its a very weird feeling. It was so weird I was scared they were going to forget to put me under. Suddenly i couldnt breathe so easy. And I co uldnt tell them because the mask was on my face and I couldnt grab anyone because they had me tied down. I was so scared. I couldnt breathe and I felt like I was being choked. I kept shaking and couldnt control it. The last thing I remember hearing was this loud beeping noise. Like you see in the movies. I woke up next in the recovery room. The nurse walked up to me and patted my arm.. She said,”Oh good your awake! We thought we were going to lose you” I couldnt speak yet. it always sucks when you wake up after being put to sleep. You cant talk but you want to but what you really want is a glass of water and you are so cold.. So freaking cold. when I was finally wheeled to my room the nurses and doctors came in. There were SEVERAL doctors. I was still doped up and not sure of what was going on. They explained that they thought for sure they were going to lose me that it was a close call. Apparently my fear took over and my body went beserk. Then a few of the doctors were there because of my daughter. She took a breathe on her own and hten her lungs collapsed. i was too out of it to understand so they came back and spoke to me several times. She was on antibiotics and oxygen. She had t ubes everywhere. The nurses took my camera and took pics of her so I could see her. i wasnt able to go see her and no one else was allowed to go unless my husband or i was there to go wth them. They made a rule thouh that no one co uld hold her not even my husband until i was able to hold her.. MOM FIRST! Good rule eh? I didnt get to see her for 3 days. Thats how long it took me to be able to get out of the bed. And before they would let me out of the bed. She ended up in the NICU for a week. i hear thats great. Let me explain. I hear i’m lucky that it was only a week and she recovered as quick as she did. Let me tell you though. That week was so hard. It was so very hard!
I love my kids. I sometimes think I wouldnt mind another one. But the fear I get when going into surgery. I dont think I could have another one. And I have one doctor to blame for all that.. Everyone claims I should have sued him. Ive spoken to several doctors about what happened to me. And all agree that it does happen. You do not hear about it much but it does happen. That if he can prove it was indeed an emergancy then he did what needed ot be done. It wasnt worth it to me to sue. My daughter was alive and so was I and thats what counts. It took me a year before I could even really talk about what happened to me. It took me back to a very scary place every time I tried before that. I’ve even been called a liar by some women who do not believe that this does happen on occassion. Who do not believe its possible to be done this way. When it comes to life and death.. Doctors are in the business to save lives. Even though I strongly dislike the man who “gutted” me.. And I would NEVER go to him again.. He might have saved my daughters life. (I still dont think we would have been in that situation had he listened to me in the first place instead of treating me like I was an ignorant kid). All’s well that ends well..

Sorry for the typos’.. My carpal tunnel is acting up big time but I felt the need to write..

Miss Zoot wrote in her blog yesterday about being a blogger and how she enjoyed blogging and i’ve been thinking about it every since. It took me a while to get into the blogging “scene”. My Friend Birgit who I met online a few years back on a message board introduced me to the blogging world. She has several blogs and message boards that she maintains and even a good many fanlistings as well. She is such a sweet person. She is always there to lend a hand when she can. Anyone who knows her online or off i’m sure will say the same. She brought up blogging along time ago. When she dissappeared off of Amazingly Woman for awhile I would go check on her by checking out her blog. After awhile I decided I had to have one.

I’m afraid that by the time I decided to join the fad of blogging that the fad was over (kinda like Misszoot states in her blog). When Birgit told me about blogging it was cool. By now everyone has a blog. From the creep down the road to Rosie. It’s no longer cool to blog. Kinda like GMail was cool until everyone had one..

I enjoy blogging..
It gives me an outlet. I can bitch all day long and you choose if you want to read it. It doesnt hurt my feelings if people do not want to read what I have to say. I blog for me mainly. Not to impress others. But I enjoy reading other blogs more than I do writing in my own. I find I enjoy different blogs based on my mood.

When I need a pick me up or an emmotional check I enjoy reading Colleen’s Blog. I say emmotional check because her writing is real. Its emmotional, its thought provoking, its sweet, it real. I can be down and go to her blog and read and even though the subject may be sad she brings me up. She is a true artist.. She is a clever poet. Her words bring forth images I couldn’t create myself.
Then you have Monty’s blog. She is a riot. Rarely does a trip to her blog not make me laugh.
I’ve got a long list of blogs I could name here. Going through my blogroll makes me feel “normal”. It shows me that there are people out there just like me. Who live with the day to day crap I live with and its okay. Marti is one of those who make it really real. I think deep down we might know alot about each other. The blog world makes it easier for me to see that I am not alone. I’m glad its out there.. It makes parenting a little easier too. I can read about parents who are alot like me. And ignore those who arent and get on my nerves.

I’m off to feed kids and put them down for a nap while I still have some hair left in my head.. you know school starts next thursday for them.. I’ll have 2 kids in school this year.. WOO HOO!!! I’ll be upset about my son but WOO HOO~!
OH! And remind me to tell you guys about my sons drs appt with the “behavioral management” doctor.. It went well..