Ivy Tied Up |

Well it seems like an era ended today.

Have you ever said something to someone that you knew would change your relationship with that person? Said something KNOWING that hte outcome would be bad? That your life would be forever changed and that what you said could never be undone or taken back?
But even though the outcome was bound to be bad and it was, your life would be forever changed and it is, you wouldnt take it back if you could?

I’m there today. I’ve sealed the book on my relationship with my sister. And it hurts..Things were said that can’t be taken back. Things that will forever change the future. And as much as it hurts, I’m glad I said what I did. I wouldnt take them back if I could. I held so much back for so many years to save her feelings and my own. And I found the anger and resentment just continued to build and build. I would have continued to hold it all in had she not said what she did.

She sent me an email telling me how much she cared for me and loved me. Seems unusual this would start such a downward spiral right? Well this entire email was filled with insult after insult about who I am and How I am. Apparently I’m not good enough for her. My kids are not good enough for her. We do not measure up. And through out this entire email where she is insulting me left and right she proceeds to tell me she wishes we were closer and that I know how much she loves me. Sorry.. I had to laugh at that.

This comes from the same girl who lived with me for a year and half and never once said thank you to me for footing her bills and babysitting her daughter while she went out and partied all night. This coming from the same girl who never calls unless she needs something. The same girl who didnt invite me to her wedding because she forgot. And when I showed up I was left out of the family photos. I wasnt even told they were taking photos. I was asked to serve the guests not be with the guests. I was asked to take out the trash not spend time with my sister. I was ignored and treated like the maid instead of family. This from the same girl who shows up at my daughters 3rd (Diva’s) bday party and tells me that we need to hurry it up because she has to go to the truck races. She did that two years in a row.
And there is so much more. It has built up and built up to where when I got her EMAIL I couldnt hold back. I told her how it was, when it was, and how it will be. I dont care if I’m good enough for her, or if my kids are good enough for her.

I let her know how I felt. I held alot back to spare her feelings. But I know what I let out hurt her. I wanted to say more. As these are feelings i’ve had bottled up for a long long time. But then it would have been a competition of who could hurt who more. I tried to vent my frustrations and my anger to my mom along while back so that I wouldnt have them bottled up. So the emmotions wouldnt be seeping up my spine and come lashing out the first chance they got. My mom chalked it up to me being jealous of my sister.

If there is one thing i’ve been towards or of my sister. It’s not jealous. I could NEVER be jealous of someone like her. Someone who appears to have it all. YET is constantly borrowing money from my parents because she blows hers at the mall or going to clubs. Someone who’s husband is a loser and has left her more than once. He cant hold a job, he has a warrant out for his arrest. Someone who thinks beauty is on the outside and coincides with all the pretty things you buy. Someone who has had to move back in with mom and dad more than twice. I couldnt be jealous of someone who has so much on the outside and so little on the inside. Someone who you can see how empty she is inside. What is there to be jealous of? Her fakeness? Her ability to pretend? Her friends are just like her.

You look at her and you see nothing. She always looks miserable. Always. You cant be jealous of something like that. It seems ironic to me. Because she thinks she is so much above me. She always has. I’ll never be good enough for her but i’ve come to terms with that. But at the same time. She is so far up on her pedestal that she can’t see that no matter how high up she goes, I still feel like she is below me. I always have. I know i’m doing what she is doing. But her behavior and attitude towards others who do not live the high life like she does, who do not blow money at the mall, who do not party like she does,who do not dress like she does, ect. it makes her less of a person to me. It makes her below me. Because my personality and those i care about.. They are worth more than material things.

My email back to her was pretty nasty and sealed the chance of any future relationship with her. There wont be one. And that doesnt hurt me as much as not having a relationship with my niece does. A niece that lived with me for a year and half. I’ve done nothing but give to my sister. I’ve gotten nothing back. This has been one sided for so long now. I have nothing left to give..

On a side note.. Diva is in the shower now singing at the top of her lungs,”I fought the law and the law won!”

This past week has been way busy. Where to begin? Lets see.. My computer is still broken. I’m still on my dads laptop which takes forever to load a page. Which is why I havent been able to visit anyones blogs. It takes like 10 minutes to load a page that has graphics on it. I really really miss reading you guys blogs.. I want to know whats going on with you all! So drop me an email and let me know whats going on!! Another thing. I had to start approving comments because some idiot took it upon themselves to spam like 30 entries..

Okay onto the past week. My Youngest turned 3 on the 5th!! I cant believe my baby is 3..You cant convince her that she is 3 though! She tells everyone that she is 5. Her daddy turned 29 on Saturday. She tells everyone that she is 5 and he is 6..We had originally scheduled her party for saturday(her daddy’s bday) but hubby’s aunt passed away on thursday and the funeral was on saturday. So we rescheduled for sunday. Everyone showed up and the kids had a blast. Everyone had a good time except me. We bbqd hamburgers..Or should I say that I did.. I was stuck away from everyone else.. Standing infront of a hot grill for 3 hours is not my idea of fun. I grilled 9lbs of meat then had to grill 4 more that hubby’s aunt decided needed to be grilled. By the time i was done everyone had eaten and enjoyed each others company and I was stuck cleaning up. I didnt even get to see my lil one open her presents.
I had bought 3 packages of water balloons and water guns and the kids had a small swimming pool, a sprinkler, a water slide. They had a blast! I think I was the only adult that didnt get attacked by the kid crew…

Diva has beeninto trouble every week at school. She is in trouble constantly. She isnt finishing her school work, she is acting up and talking in class. I dont know what to do with her. I think its time to have a conference with her teacher. Bug on the other hand. He hates mornings.. He doesnt want to get up and go to school. He says school is stupid however once htere he is fine!

Things just dont seem to slow down lately!

I just turned off cnn.. I couldnt watch it anymore. I am seeing hte aftermath here where i live. 6 hours from the destruction and cities in shambles. The people are here. And they are scared. They feel hopeless. My phone has been ringing like grand central station. Its okay. I dont mind. My aunts are okay. My friends are okay. Shaken, scared,restless, hungry but okay. They survived. They dont have anything to go home to but they are alive. One friend called crying saying she was scared for her life. her home was still standing. BUT she has enough food to last maybe another day and 6 mouths to feed. 3 of which are children. How do you tell a baby there is nothing left. She is scared to leave her house to get water from the red cross.. Scared of being robbed. less than 1/4 of a tank of gas and no store open anywhere near her. She is scared for her life and her kidslives. She is scared because people are being shot, robbed for gas..She doesnt know which way is up. Another friend called me once she hit the border and finally got phone service. She said she grabbed what stuff she could and she hauled ass. She too was scared. she said she saw people being robbed for their cars at redlights. SCARY! I feel for them. I’m not goign to get into the politics of this situation. Frankly. There is no room for them. Its a natural disaster. Its a very sad sad situation. And its a time for all of us to come together and take care of those who have nothing left.No where to go. No where to turn!

This has left me so sad! I’m just emmotionally drained from it all..
I hope all of you have reached your families who were there. I hope they are okay. And my thoughts are with you all!