Ivy Tied Up |

Well it seems like an era ended today.

Have you ever said something to someone that you knew would change your relationship with that person? Said something KNOWING that hte outcome would be bad? That your life would be forever changed and that what you said could never be undone or taken back?
But even though the outcome was bound to be bad and it was, your life would be forever changed and it is, you wouldnt take it back if you could?

I’m there today. I’ve sealed the book on my relationship with my sister. And it hurts..Things were said that can’t be taken back. Things that will forever change the future. And as much as it hurts, I’m glad I said what I did. I wouldnt take them back if I could. I held so much back for so many years to save her feelings and my own. And I found the anger and resentment just continued to build and build. I would have continued to hold it all in had she not said what she did.

She sent me an email telling me how much she cared for me and loved me. Seems unusual this would start such a downward spiral right? Well this entire email was filled with insult after insult about who I am and How I am. Apparently I’m not good enough for her. My kids are not good enough for her. We do not measure up. And through out this entire email where she is insulting me left and right she proceeds to tell me she wishes we were closer and that I know how much she loves me. Sorry.. I had to laugh at that.

This comes from the same girl who lived with me for a year and half and never once said thank you to me for footing her bills and babysitting her daughter while she went out and partied all night. This coming from the same girl who never calls unless she needs something. The same girl who didnt invite me to her wedding because she forgot. And when I showed up I was left out of the family photos. I wasnt even told they were taking photos. I was asked to serve the guests not be with the guests. I was asked to take out the trash not spend time with my sister. I was ignored and treated like the maid instead of family. This from the same girl who shows up at my daughters 3rd (Diva’s) bday party and tells me that we need to hurry it up because she has to go to the truck races. She did that two years in a row.
And there is so much more. It has built up and built up to where when I got her EMAIL I couldnt hold back. I told her how it was, when it was, and how it will be. I dont care if I’m good enough for her, or if my kids are good enough for her.

I let her know how I felt. I held alot back to spare her feelings. But I know what I let out hurt her. I wanted to say more. As these are feelings i’ve had bottled up for a long long time. But then it would have been a competition of who could hurt who more. I tried to vent my frustrations and my anger to my mom along while back so that I wouldnt have them bottled up. So the emmotions wouldnt be seeping up my spine and come lashing out the first chance they got. My mom chalked it up to me being jealous of my sister.

If there is one thing i’ve been towards or of my sister. It’s not jealous. I could NEVER be jealous of someone like her. Someone who appears to have it all. YET is constantly borrowing money from my parents because she blows hers at the mall or going to clubs. Someone who’s husband is a loser and has left her more than once. He cant hold a job, he has a warrant out for his arrest. Someone who thinks beauty is on the outside and coincides with all the pretty things you buy. Someone who has had to move back in with mom and dad more than twice. I couldnt be jealous of someone who has so much on the outside and so little on the inside. Someone who you can see how empty she is inside. What is there to be jealous of? Her fakeness? Her ability to pretend? Her friends are just like her.

You look at her and you see nothing. She always looks miserable. Always. You cant be jealous of something like that. It seems ironic to me. Because she thinks she is so much above me. She always has. I’ll never be good enough for her but i’ve come to terms with that. But at the same time. She is so far up on her pedestal that she can’t see that no matter how high up she goes, I still feel like she is below me. I always have. I know i’m doing what she is doing. But her behavior and attitude towards others who do not live the high life like she does, who do not blow money at the mall, who do not party like she does,who do not dress like she does, ect. it makes her less of a person to me. It makes her below me. Because my personality and those i care about.. They are worth more than material things.

My email back to her was pretty nasty and sealed the chance of any future relationship with her. There wont be one. And that doesnt hurt me as much as not having a relationship with my niece does. A niece that lived with me for a year and half. I’ve done nothing but give to my sister. I’ve gotten nothing back. This has been one sided for so long now. I have nothing left to give..

On a side note.. Diva is in the shower now singing at the top of her lungs,”I fought the law and the law won!”