Ivy Tied Up |

Ever look up and have no clue what you are looking for? An answer? Help? When you look up what do you see?

I see desperation. My own desperate plea to find something within myself that I lost long ago.
A part of me that I think i’ve misplaced but could never forget.
Ive worked hard for so long at being mom, wife, housekeeper, ect.

I lost my name at some point in my life. To me it seems like forever ago. Years and years and years. Half a life time. BUT it really wasnt that long ago. Just 7 1/2 years ago.. Almost 8..

You see 7 1/2 years ago I became involved with dh.. At that point I became DH’s friend and then girlfriend. For The longest this was how I was introduced to his friends and family. At that point I lost my name. This became even more clear when I became pregnant with my oldest. And when she was born I just added a new title to my nameless self. I became Diva’s Mom, DH’s girlfriend. At that point I also took on housekeeper, babysitter, ect.

3 Months later after a long battle within myself we married and I became DH’s wife.. I kept waiting to be introduced as Ivy. But it never happened. I then became ,”Oh this is “Dh”’s Wife. And I still had my other title as Mom. Then I had more kids and As the time went by my titles took over even more and my name was lost. With the titles building and my name fading, slowly other parts of me started to fade as well.

So for the last few years I look up and in depseration search for part of me to return. Its taken 7 years for a glimps of the old me to return. Because in those 7 years I forgot who mattered.

It was easy to see the kids mattered. That was the easy part. Being a parent is the hardest thing in the world but at the same time its also the easiest. You forget to deal with other things because there is always something else to be done or handled. Being mom was/is natural for me. Its something that has always taken 100% of my time. I’m to blame for that. It made life easy to handle. It made life less complicated. I could push other issues out of the way because being mom took up all my time and it was/is all that mattered(s).

That was all fine and good for the first few years. It was easy to push my feelings aside, my marriage aside, my issues aside, my life aside to be the parent. After all young children need a full time mom who can devote 100% of their time. Right?

Then they started getting older. I started getting older. I wasnt 19, 20, 21 anymore. The older I get (even though I am still young) the more things started to change for me. Mainly the older my kids got the harder it got/gets for me to ignore all the things i’ve been trying to ignore in my life.

So in the last 2 years all these things ive been ignoring are creeping up on me and i’m looking for answers i cant seem to find. Being mom is great. I love my kids more than anything but the last few years its become apparent that being mom isnt WHO I am. Its part of who I am but it is not WHO I am.

Finding me is the most difficult thing for me. I would love to ignore what i’ve ignored so far. But lets face it. Our past molds us. You can run but you cant hide. I’ve tried. My past is responsible for what/who I am today. Good and the bad. The choices i’ve made. I’d love to hide from it and ignore it but eventually its going to creep back up.

Finding me means finding things that make me. Making choices about my future and my life and where I want to go with it. Finding me means opening up and accepting my feelings for waht they are and not what I want them to be. To stop ignoring the parts of me screaming to come back out. The parts of me i’ve hidden since I was 17. The parts of me that want to breathe.

Its not insecurities ive been hidding from, but the truth. The truth can be scary. The truth shall set you free or condemn you all in one. The truth can be a dirty little secret that turns you into a hermit and makes you long for things you just cant have. Freedom.

Freedom from what? To need freedom says that you are trapped, restrained, ect. And emmotionally yes that is true. I’ve held parts of me inside so long that they crave freedom and I cant give it to them. I’m not sure I know how. I think i’ve forgotten how to be free.

Ive forgotten how to live outside that shell. Ive forgotten how to be anything other than mom,wife, housekeeper, taxi, maid, ect. Ive just forgotten. Ive lost my name and that was just the beginning of losing myself.

So when you look up what do you see?
Desperation..

Things have been tough. Emmotionally, mentally, physically.. TOUGH..

We’ve put new meaning to hanging in there..

We have managed to rip up most of the carpet still havent gotten the roof patched or the window replaced.. Still trying to get the yard cleaned so the kids have a place to play..

Wed was the start back to school..
Bug didnt go he was sick. Now Diva.. I got her up, dressed, and off to school. Only to go changes clothes and come outof my bathroom and find her asleep on the living room floor. She pitched a fit screaming and crying nad refused to get out of her best friend’s mom’s car. So they brought her home. I think that everything over the last 3 weeks caught up to her and it became too much for her. She went thursday but she tried to get out of going today.

She is also getting glasses. In 3 weeks they will be in. she is thrilled.. To her its a fashion statement.. gotta love 6 year olds!

Now more about my experience with hurrican Rita..

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Well as some of you may or may not know. I was hit extremely hard by Hurricane Rita.. Hurricanes SUCK! There is no other word for it. I am running my laptop now by generator and borrowing my inlaws phone line. I cant keep doing this… Please hope I get electricity soon! This is the most horrible thing i’ve ever been through.. Its hot. The first 2 days after rita hit we hit 105 degrees outside easy. This has certainly pulled out the best and worst in people.. And its taken its toll on me. I dont know if iim coming or going. Its a very rough time for me and my family. My house is still standing but not liveable due to fire ants and water damage. Ive got to get int here and start yanking up carpet. The entire house needs gutted. so we are sleeping at hubby’s aunts house and spending our days removing debris.. Its a long road ahead of us.. I’ll try to keep you all updated.. If another hurricane like rita comes at us.. I’m moving far away and never looking back.