When you look up what do you see?
Posted by ivy | Under Ivy Unleashed Friday Oct 28, 2005Ever look up and have no clue what you are looking for? An answer? Help? When you look up what do you see?
I see desperation. My own desperate plea to find something within myself that I lost long ago.
A part of me that I think i’ve misplaced but could never forget.
Ive worked hard for so long at being mom, wife, housekeeper, ect.
I lost my name at some point in my life. To me it seems like forever ago. Years and years and years. Half a life time. BUT it really wasnt that long ago. Just 7 1/2 years ago.. Almost 8..
You see 7 1/2 years ago I became involved with dh.. At that point I became DH’s friend and then girlfriend. For The longest this was how I was introduced to his friends and family. At that point I lost my name. This became even more clear when I became pregnant with my oldest. And when she was born I just added a new title to my nameless self. I became Diva’s Mom, DH’s girlfriend. At that point I also took on housekeeper, babysitter, ect.
3 Months later after a long battle within myself we married and I became DH’s wife.. I kept waiting to be introduced as Ivy. But it never happened. I then became ,”Oh this is “Dh”’s Wife. And I still had my other title as Mom. Then I had more kids and As the time went by my titles took over even more and my name was lost. With the titles building and my name fading, slowly other parts of me started to fade as well.
So for the last few years I look up and in depseration search for part of me to return. Its taken 7 years for a glimps of the old me to return. Because in those 7 years I forgot who mattered.
It was easy to see the kids mattered. That was the easy part. Being a parent is the hardest thing in the world but at the same time its also the easiest. You forget to deal with other things because there is always something else to be done or handled. Being mom was/is natural for me. Its something that has always taken 100% of my time. I’m to blame for that. It made life easy to handle. It made life less complicated. I could push other issues out of the way because being mom took up all my time and it was/is all that mattered(s).
That was all fine and good for the first few years. It was easy to push my feelings aside, my marriage aside, my issues aside, my life aside to be the parent. After all young children need a full time mom who can devote 100% of their time. Right?
Then they started getting older. I started getting older. I wasnt 19, 20, 21 anymore. The older I get (even though I am still young) the more things started to change for me. Mainly the older my kids got the harder it got/gets for me to ignore all the things i’ve been trying to ignore in my life.
So in the last 2 years all these things ive been ignoring are creeping up on me and i’m looking for answers i cant seem to find. Being mom is great. I love my kids more than anything but the last few years its become apparent that being mom isnt WHO I am. Its part of who I am but it is not WHO I am.
Finding me is the most difficult thing for me. I would love to ignore what i’ve ignored so far. But lets face it. Our past molds us. You can run but you cant hide. I’ve tried. My past is responsible for what/who I am today. Good and the bad. The choices i’ve made. I’d love to hide from it and ignore it but eventually its going to creep back up.
Finding me means finding things that make me. Making choices about my future and my life and where I want to go with it. Finding me means opening up and accepting my feelings for waht they are and not what I want them to be. To stop ignoring the parts of me screaming to come back out. The parts of me i’ve hidden since I was 17. The parts of me that want to breathe.
Its not insecurities ive been hidding from, but the truth. The truth can be scary. The truth shall set you free or condemn you all in one. The truth can be a dirty little secret that turns you into a hermit and makes you long for things you just cant have. Freedom.
Freedom from what? To need freedom says that you are trapped, restrained, ect. And emmotionally yes that is true. I’ve held parts of me inside so long that they crave freedom and I cant give it to them. I’m not sure I know how. I think i’ve forgotten how to be free.
Ive forgotten how to live outside that shell. Ive forgotten how to be anything other than mom,wife, housekeeper, taxi, maid, ect. Ive just forgotten. Ive lost my name and that was just the beginning of losing myself.
So when you look up what do you see?
Desperation..
Hi Ivy,
Long time since I’ve visited. OMG that’s exactly how I feel. I’ve kept so much inside and find myself asking the same question - Who Am I?
My girls are 16 & 20 and are at the point in their lives that they don’t need or depend on me as much as they use to. My husband works out of town through the week - comes home Fri and leaves Sun afternoon. I’m tired of this lifestyle and way of marriage. I don’t feel like a companion. Just the laundry maid, itch scratcher….wham bam thank you mam..I’ll see you next weekend - sigh.
I recently discovered that men still find me attractive even though I feel like a 39 yr old worn out old woman. I am so tempted…but then what? This actually scared the crap out of me!
I often think of freedom….and dream of what it would be like if it were “just me”….not mom, wife, maid, etc.
When you find yourself please keep me in mind. I would love to learn how you did it.
Marti
Aww, Ivy! I wish there was something I could do or say to help, but just know that I’m thinking of you! Keep on keepin’ on
LOL But really, somewhere along the way you’ll find yourself. I think it’s going to take me my entire life to find myself, but at least I can find the little bits and pieces along the way that all add up to who I am. So maybe that’s how you are doing it too 
Hi Ivy! Maybe it’s the devil and angel within that we look up to consult! The right is the devil and the left the angel.
Seriously though, I think learning more about ourselves in a deeper age may come with getting older. At this point we can overview and see what we couldn’t back then. I’m a big proponent of some kind of therapy. We all have wounds that can run our lives if we don’t know what they are.
I wasn’t able to see any posts the last couple of times I visited. So I guess you were gone?!
This post has given me a lot to think about.
I am going through a part in my life where I find it hard to fit in… I guess because I do not know what I want. This is why I have my blog.
But when I look up… and think…. I really cant think of anything else I want. I do not want to go back to school… I already had a career and that was not all it was cracked up to be….
I think as the yrs go on I will know me better, but for now I am gonna coast. Doing the things I like to do along the way… maybe I am all of those things or maybe I will find more things that are me.
Do you get what I am saying… I think most of all we are all in the same boat. So lead the way Ivy…. and we will see where this friggen boat takes us!
Do you want to go to school? Do you have a career? Have you had a career?
Maybe I could become a fulltime suntanner! Ya that sounds good!
You are definitely not the first Mom I’ve heard this from, so I think your reaction and frustration is normal and — more so — justfied. My sister felt the same way until she went to nursing school. Strangely, though, why is it that this happens to women and not men, even in this day and age?
a ladies perspective…and i have heard this from a very close friend long ago… who was on the verge of tears as she told me this….she is still a mom of 3 and a wife, but now she is also a successful career woman as well…and a known painter as well…:-)
I have modelled a character in one of my works after her… will show that to you some time…
DOnt know what to comment here… therefore a TIGHT *HUG*
Hi Ivy,
I can empathise with you. Although i do not have children i went through similar feelings and thoughts a few months ago. I have managed to change a few things in my life and started doing things i need and want to do for me and me only.
It’s a hard time to go through but it’s well worth it in the end - the first step i took was being grateful for all that i do have in my life, then i moved on to what i needed/wanted for my future.
good luck!