Ivy Tied Up |

I appreciate everyones honest responses to my last post. But of course with any situation there is always more to the story. This story is long. not sure you guys want to follow along so I’ll start off small.

I’ve come along way in my marriage. I as a person have grown and come to learn alot about myself that I never knew. What i’ll put up with and what I wont. Who comes first and who doesnt. The who comes first part.. That was easy.. The kids. Always been about the kids. The whole marriage has been about the kids.

This isnt a grass is greener type deal. I know the grass is not greener on the other side. Thats why i’m still where I’m at doing what i’m doing. The grass on the other side is just as burnt and crisp as the grass is here. Because on the other side rests alot of heartache and tears. I know this for a fact.

Why? Because I’ve never wanted anyone else. My dh and I separated in 2001. I left for 3 months. Didnt hear from him for 2 1/2. I spent alot of time crying and sorting my life out and trying to deal with the broken pieces while he spent that time doing who knows what. I’ve heard rumors.. Try not to listen to them because gossip is just that. GOSSIP.

Even when we were separated I never wanted anyone else. One thing i’ve never thought about was having another relationship. Thats not on my radar. What I want. Is to breathe again. To feel like i’m not stupid, my opinions, wants, and needs matter. I can’t say i’ve ever felt like that in this relationship and I KNOW that I am to blame for that. Because i’ve put up with it. I’ve allowed everyone in this house to put me and my feelings last.

My marriage has never been really good. There are 2 things my marriage has been based on. What dh needs and what dh wants. Its never been about me. I’ve just been the one who gets things done.
It does take 2 to make a marriage work. And above all else. I’m tired of doing it alone. I’m tired of being hte only one here, the only one trying, the only one who does a damn thing to make it work.

I can’t keep going on like this. Feeling like I do. But I can’t for the life of me seem to move on either. I am not able to just walk away and say okay to hell with it. Its not an option right now. My wants and needs may see childish, teenage dreams. But its something i’ve never had. And Part of me can’t help but believe that you shouldnt have to settle. No matter what. I know it doesnt last forever. That love matures, ect. But you should have atleast felt that way at some point or whats the point?

So this isnt a case of the grass is greener. Or that i’ve simply given up on my marriage and blaming my husband for my problems. It runs much much deeper than that. Something i’m just not ready to share yet. Maybe its because when you put it down on paper (err the net) it makes it more real. Its easy to say walk away, give up, if you are that miserable.Its easy to assume that I’m just looking for a way out.

I’ve been looking for answers for years. I’m can’t seem to find them. Yet its not easy to just walk away and give up. Because what I really want is a life with my husband that I cant have. And its not for lack of trying. I’ve tried until I have nothing left. I end up feeling stupid and empty inside. If it were a case of anything else.. I’d just walk away. It wouldnt be so hard. But what I really want is a way to spend my life with my husband and feel like I matter in this marriage.

Ive tried just about all there is to try. To the point of where at some point. I’ve run out of trying. I’ve run out of the emmotions needed to try, to continue on, and to care. At some point I built a wall up to stop him from hurting me anymore. I dont know if that wall can come down again. I dont know if it will ever come down.

Ive tried to explain it to him. Tell him how I feel. His answer is that I knew how he was. I knew what matterd to him when we were married (which i turned him down 4 times before actually saying okay..).

I’ve got to run now.. I’ll take a step down marriage lane again later.. maybe give a lil insight into my relationship..

I’ve been doing alot of soul searching lately. Deep soul searching. The kind that only leaves you with more questions and never any answers. Or maybe its that you know the answers you are just scared of the questions? I don’t know. I haven’t figured it out yet. I don’t know if I ever will. But at some point I have to or else i’m going to lose it.

I don’t have the perfect marriage, a good marriage, or even a bad one. I don’t know at this point what exactly I have. I watch a movie or my friends and think ,”I want that. Why don’t I have that?” I realize that life is indeed NOT like the movies, but why shouldnt love be?

I want that earth shattering love like you see int he movies. The kind that makes your knees weak and you smile just from thinking about it. I know thats silly to some. I want that passion to where you can’t walk off from it, turn away from it, its so strong it pulls you in and doesn’t let go. I’m told thats teenage dreams. The way things are in the beginning of a relationship but it wears off.

If thats so I have to ask myself. Was it ever like that? And if not why did I settle? Was my wants and needs different back then than they are now? Was I just a stupid teenager running away from everything that was going on back then. Or am I running away from everything thats going on now and using that as an excuse.

The truth is. I don’t know what I want. I know I don’t want to live like i’m living now. I don’t want to continue to feel like I do now. It eats you up and chews on you until you can’t feel anything but pain. It chews and chews until you want to throw up from the thought of it. You want to climb inside yourself and never come out. You build a wall that can’t be easily brought down. You arent even sure you want the wall to come down.

When I say my marriage isn’t good. I’m not being dramatic or untruthful. I’m finally being honest. When I say its not bad, thats because i’m not sure if it is or isnt. I know its not bad in an extreme sense of the meaning. But i’m just not sure anymore.

I apparently have alot ot figure out. And i’m not sure where to begin. I think that requires looking deep within myself and thats not something i’m really up for right now. There are questions that i have to come up with answers to and Just maybe i’m scared of the answers to those questions. I dont know. I wish I could figure it out.. We’ve been together 8 years married 6. I’ve spent atleast the last 3 really trying to figure things out. The only thing I know for sure. Is that I dont want to end up like my parents. I don’t want to end up 25 years from now trying to rebuild my life because it was never what it should have been.

Thanksgiving is now OVER! We had a weeks worth of thanksgiving. Started off by Monday the kids out of school. We cleaned up around the house in anticipation of putting up the christmas tree. This thrilled the kids and scared them too. They hate cleaning.. LOL..
Tuesday we cleaned some more. Did laundry, searched for recipes, swore up and down we were goign to go grocery shopping so we could cook. Wed we still spend the day searching for recipes, I just couldnt decide what I wanted to cook. I went to the store that night. Cooked all night long. My youngest finally got to bed at 7 to 7:30 AM thursday morning. I woke her up at 10 because at 9am she refused. We went to hubby’s aunts house and had thanksgiving dinner. The dinner was a big hit and my dishes were wonderful. We managed to get home at 3pm. The youngest and i passed out and slept until hubby woke me up at 8pm. I woke up washed my face and went back to bed. Woke up at 3am friday morning. Decided i’d clean house all day then go outside and clean the yard. I worked NON STOP until I couldnt move anymore. Was suppose to cook more friday night because We had thanksgiving dinner at my moms house on saturday. My sister threw that off.. But it went well. I just didnt get anything cooked because the youngest wound up running fever and wouldnt let me up away from her. I brought salad. Everyone looked at me like,”What this is it?”. And my answer was yep this is it! It was a really nice thanksgiving. Except for the rain. Everyone got along wonderfully. And Mostly I’m thankful for my kids. They might drive me mad sometimes but i watch them play or sleeping and it all melts away.. They are something..

Why do friends hold something over us? The power to make us feel completely useless or completely wonderful. Friends can be the best thing to happen to you or the complete worst. Reason being friends know things about you that others dont.

You let them in, let them see you for who you are. The real you. Bad jokes, bad habbits, emmotions, ect. They see you for who you are. They know things you wouldnt want tv crews to know. They say friends are your worst enemies..They know all your deep dark secrets(oh come on we’ve all got a few). you know the ones that you dont even tell your spouse or parents.

A friend I considered myself really close to pulled away recently. I could see it happening. Could feel it. And when i’d ask what was wrong they’d say nothing. I’m not one to pry so I let it go. I accepted it and moved on. It got worse. She became more distant and i’m sure I did too. Over time I think anger started to set up that I wasn’t there for her. I didnt know how to be there for her because I wasnt aware that I needed to be at that point. I accepted that everything was fine. I went on acting like everything was fine trying to keep out of her personal business because to me it seemed she didnt want me in it. So instead I tried to tell her about my life.

It came out as me being self absorbed in a sense. That wasnt the case but thats the way it came across. I’ve never been good at being a friend. Not because i’m self absorbed but because I tend to give people distance and expect it myself. I like to have my own space. I may dissappear for a week or two. I may be around but not talkative. I dont enjoy talking on the phone often and in the end I appear to not care. I do care. I really do. I can’t help how I am.

It’s how i’ve always been. Sometimes I just dont have alot to say. Doesnt mean I dont care. Just means I’m in another mood or another world miles away. Sometimes so consumed with whats going on in my life I don’t want to talk about it and can’t for the life of me find anything else to talk about so I prefer to not talk at all.

This has put strains on the relationships in my life. I’m sure you can imagine. Those who really know me and have been around it for several years have come to except that thats just me. And it doesnt mean I dont care it just means i’ll be back in a lil while…LOL..

Funny thing is.. My dad is the same way. People are always trying to reach him and he can sit right there and watch the phone ring and never answer. He rarely returns emails or phone calls. (I do however return emails).

I’ve got to find a way to show my friends that I do care because not all of them understand how i am and I dont think I should expect them to. Being a friend isnt a part time job. It like any other relationshiop takes work.

No not really.. Well maybe.. Kinda.. LOL

I’ve got a question for you guys.. Well a few maybe..

Are you a prude?
What do you consider prudish as everyones thoughts on the subject are different and some certainly go back to how you were raised.

Is there anything you consider just really taboo and you think shouldnt be talk about?

Does the whole idea of having a conversation about sex just freak you out? Intrigue you?
Is there certain aspects that you just totally wont discuss?

How far does someone have to be into their sexuality or against their sexuality before you stick a label(ex. slut, prude) on them?

And that my dears are the questions of the day..

How kids make you feel. My kids change daily. Their moods, likes, and dislikes. They change more than they change clothes and thats alot! My oldest has been the pick of the week for trouble. She is normally no problem at all. Nothing but 100% attitude but nothing I havent been able to handle. Until recently anyhow. I thought attitude problems started when they were teens. However I find that I thought wrong. At only 6 years old my oldest is driving me mad with her attitude. She is something so bizarre. one minute she is fine the next she isnt. She cries at the drop of a dime.. You look at her wrong and her world falls apart. She has been mean to everyone lately. Her ups and downs are unreal. Her grades are poor already and the harder I push the more she rebels! A six year old rebelling! UNREAL! It’s really put me into check. I know I gave my mum a hard time as a teen and I expect that back once they hit teen years but she is only 6! If its bad now will it get worse? Oh man I don’t know if I can handle worse!

The good news is that everyone tells me this is totally normal for a six year old girl. That their girls went through the same thing and while it makes me feel better hearing that.. They still say it gets worse when they become teens… Does this mean my youngest will go through this to? How on earth will i handle 2 going through this? Atleast there is a boy int he mix there and its not 3..but he will rebell as well at some point. I can’t wait for the real fireworks..

So lately its been non stop trying to deal with Diva’s “tude”. She has become dedicated to making sure everyone in the house is walking on egg shells. But I put my foot down with her yesterday and crushed the eggshells and she didnt take it well. She cried and cried and I told her the crying wasnt goign to win her anything. She finally stopped. Today she has only cried twice. Improvement but will it last? I sure hope so.

Bug hasn’t changed too much. He has a birthday next month. Can’t believe he is already going to be 5. He has his wish list ready. All he wants is a big huge monster truck.. One i’m sure i cant afford seeing as how his bday is 2 days after christmas. He is inlove with trucks and cars. Its a good thing I have a thing for cars and trucks because his daddy surely doesnt. Right now he wants to be a race car when he grows up. Diva doesnt have a plan for when she grows up yet. She just says she wants to wear big shoes meaning those big chunky heel shoes. Doesnt matter if its a boot or what.. just needs big heels.. That kid has more shoes than everyone else in my house combined.

Now the youngest. She keeps me laughing. She came in my room this morning at 5am. She said,”Mumma, me need yur bed” and climbed in. I was too tired to argue. She has already learned what Christmas is. She tells me daily that Kissmas(christmas) is coming and that she wants presents. Ask her what she wants her reply is”Presents”. She doesnt know exactly what she wants but she would be happy with a box of oreos… She is so much easier to please than the other 2.

And to top it off…
The topic of the day..

What do you do when your 4 almost 5 year old asks you what sex is and why? And then thinks its okay to talk about it in public. Any advice?

Strong words that hit the hardest. I think At some point we’ve all said them. Anyone who claims they’ve never said I hate you to someone, well frankly I just dont believe them. You might have been 7 years old and yelled it at your mum as she shut your bed room door grounding you for drawing pictures on the walls, refusing to let you play outside because of this or that. Point is I believe at some point we’ve all yelled, wispered, cried out I hate you at one time or another. I’ll even give you that around 98% of the time when its spoken its not meant. Often its yelled in anger. Its not actually meant. I’ll give you that much.

BUT what about when it is meant. That one or two precent when its actually meant. Think about whate hate means. What it entails. What causes a grown person to hate. To despise someone so much that they can actually hate them and can say it to their face. I’m not talking strong dislike. Or not getting along. I’m talking hate to the point of pure disgust. And i’m not talking about racists and people who dont know the people they claim to hate. I’m talking about hating someone you know. someone you know well. Some one you can’t stand to be around, look at, talk to.

When they walk into the room you are instantly filled with dread, disgust, sick to your stomach, bitter taste fills your m outh when they start talking. Everything about them disgusts you to the point of where there is nothing left to do but hate them. Its almost a passion. Not a burning desire but a passion deep down inside and it starts to bubble and fizzle and burn to where you want to throw up when they are around.

Pure disgust. What makes someone hate some one that much that they literally can not stand the site of them. And they KNOW the person. Can someone be that awful to make someone else who knows them hate them that much? That answer is yes.

I dont know about you, but I live daily with someone like that in my life. I can look at them and tell them point blank I HATE YOU and mean it. 100%. Hate isnt even a strong enough word. There isnt one thing about the person I like. Not one. Ive tried over the last 8 years to find one thing I like about the person. Just one. To convince myself that there is something good about them. That they have a good point somewhere I just cant find it. After 8 years I give up. I don’t care. Except for the fact that this person is in my daily life and there is absolutely NO way to rid my life of them. I can’t ignore them. I can’t avoid them. I see them daily. I cant get rid of them. And hate isnt a strong enough word.

I despise the person. Everything they stand for. They start talking and instant buzzing sounds start up in my ears and I feel the need to vomit. They are that repulsive. How do you deal with someone like that. They take pleasure in my hatered for them. They take pleasure in knowing how much they disgust me. How much I despise them. They take more pleasure in knowing that I can’t get them out of my life. They take pleasure in knowing that there isnt anything I can do to get them out of my daily life. There is absolutely no way I can do it. They take pleasure in making sure I despise them as much as possible. They take pleasure in making sure I hate every single thing about them. They infact find it funny. Ignoring them makes it worse.

Ignoring them gives them something to talk about, to laugh about, to joke about. Avoiding them just brings them to me. So what do I do?

How do you go on when something about someone you have to deal with daily digusts you so much you despise them to the point of hating them with a passion that is elevated everytime you have to look at them or hear their voice.

How can someone be so disgusting? And take pleasure in it? Its not even physical. Its who they are.. What they are about. Their outlook on life. Everything about them.

You raise your kids not to hate. You teach them not to hate. Yet sometimes hate isnt a strong enough emmotion or word.

I got my bill for our satellite today. We stopped getting cable several months ago when they stopped servicing our area. Currently there isnt a cable company that services where I live. I think I need to move to a town thats on the freaking map.. Anyhow. I got the bill today and the damn thing is 173$. My eyes popped out of my head! Normally it runs me about 45$. Okay granted this bill was for 2 months due to the hurricane but 173$ is WAYYYYYYYYY more than 45 a month. I called and turns out.. They added a bunch of porn channels to my line of programs I get. They claim I ORDERED THEM! I’m the ONLY One who has access to order programs and I damn sure didnt order them! I have 3 kids who are 6 and under. That is the LAST thing I need them having access too. But what really pisses me off.. Is that they charged me 10$ to remove them! What a rip off.. The lady told me that because it was an adult channel it was 10$.. I told her that would be fine had I ordered the (insert really ugly words here).. I’m far from prudish. Porn doesnt bother me.. BUT my tv doesnt need porn cranking out at any time of day and rather than block the channels from appearing.. I just dont have those channels so that my kids cant see them by mistake. Not to mention I dont need 50$ extra dollars a month worth of porn on my tv. My bill was close to 100$ extra because it was charging me 100$ for 2 months of porn! unbelievable! They are making a killing off of porn! And for what? There is no story line its tasteless crap that isnt even filmed well.. if I want to watch porn its going to be something that has taste, class, and cost more than 500$ to make! And yeah some porn can be..only then you dont call it porn do you..LOL..

ahh and to top my day off.. My husband shaved his mustache and goatee.. Talk about throw me for a loop.. Not a good thing.. NOT a good thing.. Its only the second time in almost 8 years he has ever shaved it..and ICK.. I do NOT like it! I hate it.. it looks horrible.. Or maybe im just not use to it.. Its just tooooooooooooooooo weird!