Ivy Tied Up |

I’ve been doing alot of soul searching lately. Deep soul searching. The kind that only leaves you with more questions and never any answers. Or maybe its that you know the answers you are just scared of the questions? I don’t know. I haven’t figured it out yet. I don’t know if I ever will. But at some point I have to or else i’m going to lose it.

I don’t have the perfect marriage, a good marriage, or even a bad one. I don’t know at this point what exactly I have. I watch a movie or my friends and think ,”I want that. Why don’t I have that?” I realize that life is indeed NOT like the movies, but why shouldnt love be?

I want that earth shattering love like you see int he movies. The kind that makes your knees weak and you smile just from thinking about it. I know thats silly to some. I want that passion to where you can’t walk off from it, turn away from it, its so strong it pulls you in and doesn’t let go. I’m told thats teenage dreams. The way things are in the beginning of a relationship but it wears off.

If thats so I have to ask myself. Was it ever like that? And if not why did I settle? Was my wants and needs different back then than they are now? Was I just a stupid teenager running away from everything that was going on back then. Or am I running away from everything thats going on now and using that as an excuse.

The truth is. I don’t know what I want. I know I don’t want to live like i’m living now. I don’t want to continue to feel like I do now. It eats you up and chews on you until you can’t feel anything but pain. It chews and chews until you want to throw up from the thought of it. You want to climb inside yourself and never come out. You build a wall that can’t be easily brought down. You arent even sure you want the wall to come down.

When I say my marriage isn’t good. I’m not being dramatic or untruthful. I’m finally being honest. When I say its not bad, thats because i’m not sure if it is or isnt. I know its not bad in an extreme sense of the meaning. But i’m just not sure anymore.

I apparently have alot ot figure out. And i’m not sure where to begin. I think that requires looking deep within myself and thats not something i’m really up for right now. There are questions that i have to come up with answers to and Just maybe i’m scared of the answers to those questions. I dont know. I wish I could figure it out.. We’ve been together 8 years married 6. I’ve spent atleast the last 3 really trying to figure things out. The only thing I know for sure. Is that I dont want to end up like my parents. I don’t want to end up 25 years from now trying to rebuild my life because it was never what it should have been.