Ivy Tied Up |

I appreciate everyones honest responses to my last post. But of course with any situation there is always more to the story. This story is long. not sure you guys want to follow along so I’ll start off small.

I’ve come along way in my marriage. I as a person have grown and come to learn alot about myself that I never knew. What i’ll put up with and what I wont. Who comes first and who doesnt. The who comes first part.. That was easy.. The kids. Always been about the kids. The whole marriage has been about the kids.

This isnt a grass is greener type deal. I know the grass is not greener on the other side. Thats why i’m still where I’m at doing what i’m doing. The grass on the other side is just as burnt and crisp as the grass is here. Because on the other side rests alot of heartache and tears. I know this for a fact.

Why? Because I’ve never wanted anyone else. My dh and I separated in 2001. I left for 3 months. Didnt hear from him for 2 1/2. I spent alot of time crying and sorting my life out and trying to deal with the broken pieces while he spent that time doing who knows what. I’ve heard rumors.. Try not to listen to them because gossip is just that. GOSSIP.

Even when we were separated I never wanted anyone else. One thing i’ve never thought about was having another relationship. Thats not on my radar. What I want. Is to breathe again. To feel like i’m not stupid, my opinions, wants, and needs matter. I can’t say i’ve ever felt like that in this relationship and I KNOW that I am to blame for that. Because i’ve put up with it. I’ve allowed everyone in this house to put me and my feelings last.

My marriage has never been really good. There are 2 things my marriage has been based on. What dh needs and what dh wants. Its never been about me. I’ve just been the one who gets things done.
It does take 2 to make a marriage work. And above all else. I’m tired of doing it alone. I’m tired of being hte only one here, the only one trying, the only one who does a damn thing to make it work.

I can’t keep going on like this. Feeling like I do. But I can’t for the life of me seem to move on either. I am not able to just walk away and say okay to hell with it. Its not an option right now. My wants and needs may see childish, teenage dreams. But its something i’ve never had. And Part of me can’t help but believe that you shouldnt have to settle. No matter what. I know it doesnt last forever. That love matures, ect. But you should have atleast felt that way at some point or whats the point?

So this isnt a case of the grass is greener. Or that i’ve simply given up on my marriage and blaming my husband for my problems. It runs much much deeper than that. Something i’m just not ready to share yet. Maybe its because when you put it down on paper (err the net) it makes it more real. Its easy to say walk away, give up, if you are that miserable.Its easy to assume that I’m just looking for a way out.

I’ve been looking for answers for years. I’m can’t seem to find them. Yet its not easy to just walk away and give up. Because what I really want is a life with my husband that I cant have. And its not for lack of trying. I’ve tried until I have nothing left. I end up feeling stupid and empty inside. If it were a case of anything else.. I’d just walk away. It wouldnt be so hard. But what I really want is a way to spend my life with my husband and feel like I matter in this marriage.

Ive tried just about all there is to try. To the point of where at some point. I’ve run out of trying. I’ve run out of the emmotions needed to try, to continue on, and to care. At some point I built a wall up to stop him from hurting me anymore. I dont know if that wall can come down again. I dont know if it will ever come down.

Ive tried to explain it to him. Tell him how I feel. His answer is that I knew how he was. I knew what matterd to him when we were married (which i turned him down 4 times before actually saying okay..).

I’ve got to run now.. I’ll take a step down marriage lane again later.. maybe give a lil insight into my relationship..