I dunno.. This is hard..
Posted by ivy | Under Ivy Unleashed Saturday Apr 8, 2006This pregnancy that is.. I’m so up in the air about how I feel and how I should feel and how others think I should feel and then how i feel physically ect. I feel bad on top of all of it for feeling like I do.. I feel bad for writing what i’m going to be writing in this post.. BUT right now.. I DONT WANT TO BE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!! I am not enjoying whats going on with my body. I’m not enjoying how I feel emmotionally on top of it all. AND I feel guilty for feeling like I do..
This sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The first trimester I was just tired. The second trimester. Which is suppose to be better than the first.. So far it totally sucks!!!!!!!!!! My face has broken out. And thats just a petty thing.. But the fever blisters have started.. That seems to be rampant part of pregnancy for me.. And its another petty thing.. Something that is just something that bugs me and thats about it.. These are petty little things that hold no meaning at all. BUT whats been bugging me.. Is I’ve been in major pain for the last 2 weeks.. Ive been majorly sick. I’ll spare you guys the details but its a part of pregnancy that some women just experience nad its not fun! I’ve never experienced it like this before and its extremely painful and its not fun and it makes me hate being pregnant..I’m not talking morning sickness. I’m talking real physical pain and its not mild. I’m talking pain that makes you shake and sweat. Then on top of it i’m told to stay off my feet, drink 2x more fluids than I have been, ect. I’m just OVER IT! The one thing.. Has caused another thing.. And this other thing.. Has caused another thing.. And its this rollercoaster thats getting worse instead of better..
Okay so the physical things.. They are real.. But they will go away I’m assuming.. And they do get better. They come and go.. But what doesnt come and go. What doesnt get better.. Its the Guilt.. I feel guilty for not wanting to be pregnant. So many women out there want babies. They try and they try and they try and they cant have them. My aunt for one. They live with the heart ache month after month. Then someone like me comes along. And ive got 3 kids already all of which were surprises.. And i’m pregnant again. And instead of enjoying it. I’m miserable and when it comes down to it.. I dont want to be pregnant.. The more pain i’m in the worse it gets. Then I feel bad for feeling like this and I feel guilty then I get scared. What if I lose the baby because I dont want it? What if .. What if… What if… How can I feel like this? What gives me the right to feel like this? I know I wont feel like this when the baby gets here.. Because I did feel like this with my last too.. But not this bad.. And not for these reasons.. Totally different reasons than now.. The reasons now are from the physical things my body is going through that I’m not sure its going to make it through.AND whats coming up in my next paragraph.. I have to tell you. The fear is much much much worse than the physical pain.. The fear.. is what is doing me in.. .
This Fear..It stems from what I went through with having my oldest.. If you have no idea what i’m talking about. you can read it here.. See this fear.. Is getting stronger.. Its not getting better at all. When I think about having this baby. All I can think about is what the c section is going to be like. i cant help with this irrational fear. I’m not even sure I can call it irrational. I’m terrified.. So much so that it makes it difficult to breathe when thinkinga bout it. It sinks to my stomach and turns and churns and makes me sick. Its pure TERROR!!!!!!!! And I’ve gone through this with the last 2 but this time its worse. Everyone says dont worry about it. You have plenty of time to worry about that. And they are right. I’ve got plenty of time to dwell on the upcoming surgery. Which will terrify me so badly when I go in for the surgery that they will have to do something to make sure that all is well. WHY does i thave to be like this? WHY cant I move past this? WHY cant I just feel comfortable. The fear is whats really getting to me and making me wish I wasnt pregnant.. I’m just so extremely terrified.. Yet part of me cant wait for my next appt..
I do not wish to offend anyone.. I needed to get this out because frankly..There is NO ONE around me who I can talk to about this and its eating me up inside…
I’m the wrong person to comment on this. It took me 8 years and 4 pregnancy losses to take home my twins, and I’d pretty much do ANYTHING to have been able to get pregnant normally instead of through IVF. It’s not that I don’t have compassion. I just can’t relate.
Here via Michele.
Hey chicky, hang in there. Pregnancy is tough. I didn’t enjoy any of mine. I gained over 100 pounds and my hips separated. Hurt like hell. I just read your post about your first c-section and I am sorry you had to go thru that. Happily, you and your girl are both well. Thank God. You have good reason to be scared. I know I wouid be. Good luck. May God be with you. Michele sent me!
I’m here from Michele tonight…I.m sorry I got interupted and have just now finished reading your post…I truly feel for you and though I haven’t been through what you have, I can understand your fear and how utterly frightened you have to be….with good cause…your experiences have been beyond dreadful…that first one is one of the most traumsatic things I’ve ever read…that doctor is a sadistic creep of a BUTCHER!
Do you truly like and trust your doctor now? Cause if you do you should try to talk to him or her about your fears and perhaps that will make a difference in the entire experience…If you don’t trust him or her, maybe you need to find a truly compassionate humane doctor who can help make this experience much much less scary and much less stressful.
I hope you can get the help you need with your doctors understanding…maybe everything I have said you have already thought of or have done…but if not, give it some thought….this should not be a horrendous horrible experience for you, again. I pray it won’t be. Hugs to you.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and don’t feel like you have the support you need at home.
Do you have access to counselling? Is there someone local whom you trust? What you describe is doable IF you have the right kind of support.
If you do nothing else after reading this, I hope you seek the help that you need.
And by all means, keep using your blog to share your thoughts. Writing is a wonderful way to vent and solicit feedback from those who have been there.
I hope you find peace, and find a way to enjoy welcoming a new munchkin into the world.
Wow, Ivy. Hang in there! Please don’t feel so guilty about not wanting to be pregnant. It’s ok to not enjoy the pregnancy and once your baby is here everything will be different. It sounds like you are able to separate the baby from what is happening to your body so don’t resent the baby, just keep on hating yoru body! It’s ok. I can’t imagine what you are going through AND having to take care of your family. I’m so sorry that you don’t have anyone to lean on right now. It sounds like you are almost half way there and hopefully it will pass quickly.
Don’t beat yourself up!!!
I read your experience with your first daughter. Why in hell didn’t you sue his ass? I would have in a heartbeat. That man epitomizes everything that a doctor should not be. I’d sue just for no anethesia. It sure seemed like everyone else was just as shocked that worked there. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
FWIW, I didn’t enjoy being pg at all either.
Hang in there Ivy! You’re not alone in feeling that way.
Ivy, please don’t be so hard on yourself. There is a huge difference between not wanting to be pregnant & not wanting the baby. This sounds like it’s a difficult pregnancy, even if you didn’t have any children. But you already have 3. It’s not like you’ve been able to put life on hold & relax & enjoy the pregnancy. Every day expectations are still put upon you.
I’m really proud of you for writing about it & validating your feelings; that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Everything will be fine.
I can’t say that I blame you for anything that you’ve written here. It’s a very honest reaction to a difficult time. I’ve never had a child, but I think I’d feel the same way. It’s not roses and sunshine for everyone.
Shit girl…. what you are going through and how you feel is normal!
Man I paid BIG BUCKS to have 2 of my children cause we could not have children on our own…. and I HATED being prego! Yes I would have done anything to get pg in the first place and YES I too felt just as bad about my feelings regarding the whole experience…. but like Becky said “It’s not roses and sunshine for everyone”…. Bingo, she hit it on the head!
I WAS TIRED OF FEELING SICK AND TIRED!
You just keep plugging along and when it comes to the birth, you just let whatever DR know you (yes you) are in charge of your giving birth! And make it the section you want, with the DR you want!