Ivy Tied Up |

I’m having a really hard time lately coping.. These last few days mainly.. I find myself withdrawn and distant.. Im trying to get out of it.. B ut I cant help it..
Its mainly towards DH more than anything. Its a really horrible place to be.. I dont want him to look at me, touch me, talk to me.. I just want him to leave me alone.. I’m frustrated, aggrevated, angry and everything else at him lately..

The more he talks the more I can invision myself placing tape over his mouth to stop the constant noise.. I’m struggling here.. Does he deserve my feelings? Some.. probably not all.. he certainly isnt with out blame here.. but I guess neither am I..

See the biggest issue is that its ALWAYS about him. no matter what.. Its always about him.. For instance.. ive been dealing with non stop pain for months now.. Migraines and pelvic pain mainly.. My pelvis coming apart certainly isnt fun nor is it something I asked for. It hurts like hell and has limited me in what I am able to do.. Then the migraines on top of it.. I cant function at all with one.. All i can do is throw up and throw up some more and cry because the pain is so severe.. His reaction? Is to get mad and blame me! Like this is something I can control!

So he starts complaining about his back, feet, legs, arm, ears, head, ect.. And is wanting to spend tons of money on an MRI for something that is so much in his head its unreal! He doesnt have insurance.. so its all out of pocket.. The drs have told him NOTHING is wrong with him! Its all in his head.. Its his game that he has to have something wrong with him. he cant accept when its not about him. Really reminds me of my 7 year old..

Anyhow.. I have a tooth that cracked after having a root canal done.. The root canal cost us 650$.. He got pissed off because I spent 650$ on a root canal instead of having my tooth pulled..Sorry I wasnt having that tooth pulled! Well then the tooth cracked and needed to be capped because a filling wouldnt stay in.. He got mad at me and said we dont have the money.. that was another 650$.. So I havent had it done yet.. This was back in DECEMBER that it needed to be done.. I’m still waiting! Well last week my tooth breaks where the crack is at and part of it comes out and it needs to be fixed now.. Well guess what.. We dont have the money.. So im still waiting.. He then informs me today that I need to call his dentist on monday and set up an appointment because he needs to have a tooth crowned that he had worked on a few years ago.. It has a filling in it! Its fine!.. Excuse me? Ive got a tooth MISSING A FILLING.. It doesnt hurt.. at all but its got a HOLE in it!!!!!!!!! And its cutting my tongue up now because it broke.. And because he works it smore important for him to go have a tooth crowned that DOESNT Have anything wrong with it?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I find it amusing that this comes up suddenly after my tooth broke and I need something done.. I really do.. he hasnt mentioned it bothering him at all nor has he mentioned needing it crowned.. He has known mine has needed crowned since december.. and he knows mine broke last week.. See this is my first time EVER having a problem with my teeth.. my first cavity ect.. and it really bugs me.. An dnow ive got this damn tooth cutting my tongue and we dont have the money for me to get it fixed but yet he is going ot ge this fixed????????????????

I cant even bring myself to speak to him. The last 3 days with all his petty bullshit has driven me up the walls.. I cant take anymore.. Between him and the flipping hormones im going to lose it.. Its a battle i cant seem to win.. I feel myself falling further and further into that void that screams “YOU ARE DOOMED” and its not getting better only worse.. I feel myself not only withdrawing from him but family and friends and society in general.. i want to be left alone! I feel like sitting in a dark room and crying. I’ve got 3 weeks till this baby gets here and thats it. And i’m not ready.. Nor do I have the $ to get ready right now and he is talking about drs offices and having an mri done and now this stupid tooth thing.. Me.. I have to go in and have surgery that im terrified to have once again in 3 weeks..So that i can turn around and stay up all hours of the night with a newborn and still manage to take care of 3 other kids at hte same time because he isnt going to help.. Granted he is working 7/12s this week. But he has had MONTHS to help me out and get ready and yet its like breaking his leg to get him to help.. he always has something else to do.. He is always busy with something..

You’d think he’d realize a deadline looms ahead.. 3 weeks isnt long.. You’d think the closer it gets the more he’d be around and help.. Nope the closer it gets to my c section the worse he gets.. th emore complaining he does and the more he talks about this or that being wrong with him.. Just for once can he shut his freaking mouth and help me out????????????????? he’ll only miss 1 day of work when the baby comes.. And hten i’ll be on my own with 4 kids and recovering from a c section. Fine i’ve done it with each of them.. on my own! But this time i cant do alot right now.. my pelvis stops me from doing anything!

I’m so freaking depressed right now I cant see myway out.. And thats scary! the dr thinks the headaches and migraines are also from stress. GEE? You think?????????