Ivy Tied Up |

1…. I’m falling again.. Its been a few years since its hit me like this.. Its very odd too because things have been going great and everything is fine yet I can’t help how i’m feeling. I’m trying my best but I still feel it and its surreal because I can feel it and I know its happening yet I can’t make it go away.

2… I spent years trying to stop feeling things. To stop the hurt, anger, ect. Even if it meant not feeling happy. It was better than feeling the rest. I wanted to feel void of everything. Just to stop feeling. I managed to accomplish that with in my first 2 years of marriage.. I learned to be void of emmotion. To avoid feeling anything so that I didnt feel the hurt, pain, ect that I had felt through out my teenage years on into adulthood..

3…Then I spent a long time trying to feel anything. Trying to remember how to feel happiness, joy, love, and then the rest that went with it. I spent a long time trying to remember how to cry because with joy, love, ect. always comes pain, anger, frustration, sadness,fear,ect. After years of feeling nothing I started wanting to feel something. I got tired of faking it.

4…People would ask how you can feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. Be void of all emmotion.. They said it was impossible.. It’s possible.. It really is.. But when you become empty.. Void of all emmotion.. It really is of ALL emmotion.. You can’t void out anger, fear, pain, sadness, ect and not void out happiness, joy, ect. They kinda run hand in hand.. You know what sadness is because you knew what happiness was.. make sense?

5…Right now I don’t know which is worse. Not feeling anything or feeling everything. I want middle ground but I dont know if I’ll find it. Either the walls I build up around myself are up or they are down. I havent managed to build them halfway yet.

6… I don’t think its the holiday’s making me feel like this. A good many people get down in the winter and around the holidays. I LOVE the winter.. I have more energy and feel so much better in the winter than I do in the 100 degree heat.

7… Why am I telling you guys all this? I don’t really know.

8… My husband has noticed. He said to me the other day,”Ivy, Your moods are getting bad again.” I ignored him and rolled my eyes.. I just had a baby 3 months ago. Things are still up in the air. I’ve had sick kids off and on for the last 2 months. I’ve had my hands full. I think alot of people would crack under the pressure eventually. I haven’t broken yet or fully cracked.. Its just a lil tiny fracture..

9… Some things have gotten better in our relationship right now. And as odd as this sounds.. It just proves i’m on the verge of cycling or cycling or whatever.

10… I don’t have the money to go back to the dr right now.. Or for meds right now. I called the dr I saw before.. They go by income and they cant see me till Jan 3rd.. oh boy!

11… I feel like crying and throwing up at the same time.. Its all part of this mess.. Only I can’t cry. Nothing comes out.. How messed up is that???????????

12… I think I need a vacation. A step away from reality.

13… I’m sure next week I’ll be fine. Thats kinda how it goes sometimes.

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