Ivy Tied Up |

the week..

However that wasnt too hard to do.. I only kept her 2 days. They released her mum from the hospital early. So thankfully it wasnt too hard on me. The second day I had her.. She was relatively good.. By then I think she got it through her head that she was going to have to go by my rules.. That afternoon.. Her mom got her because I had already told her that her mom was coming. But she still had to go pick up her meds from the pharmacy so asked if i would pick up her son off the bus. Not a problem. I’d only have him about 10 minutes.. SO i did.. He walks into my house and opens my fridge and says he is thirsty.. I told him we don’t do that at my house that we ask permission and say please.. He said well my mom lets us get what we want at our house.. I told him,”you aren’t at your house.. you are at MY house and we go by MY rules” He said he was going to tell his mom.. I told him,”Please do”. He didn’t like it when he told her and she made him apologize to me..LOL..

Anyhow.. Found hubby a truck on Friday.. I’m more than relieved to have him out of my hair and no longer have to haul his bum to work and from work! That way I do not have to get the kids up at 5:30 am anymore!! WOO HOO!!!

Wyatt has his first tooth peaking through.. And has been super crabby since!

So I made it through yesterday. 1 day down 4 to go.. I think I did okay. My head is pounding this morning. I went to bed last night at 10:30. Which is earlier than i’ve gone to bed in the last few weeks.. THe last few weeks ive been getting to bed oh i’d say at about 8am and getting up at 11am.. Sleep hadnt been coming easy.. Last night I was exhausted to say the least.. I woke up at 4 am.. Well 3:45 but didnt get out of bed till 4.. Gotta love allergy/sinus season in SE Texas..

Back to yesterday.. IT went as I expected. The lil girl whinned most of the day.. Then towards the end of the day when I didnt think I could take anymore.. She started singing/yelling in her high pitched voice and it was like nails down a chalk board.. I told her to calm down… And at 4pm I took her to her grandfather and was relieved he was actually there to get her.. See I cant back out and not keep her now. Her mother is in the hospital and there really isnt anyone else to watch her.. Her mother will hopefully be out by the end of the week.. BUt I question if once out she will be strong enough to watch her. The lil girl requires lots of attention. Again Yesterday Sugar was completely worn out by the lil girl.. And more than ready for her to go home. Thankfully I only have her during the school day while Diva and bug are at school. I couldnt handle her here with all of my kids here. And I wont have her this weekend I know because her daddy told his boss he couldnt work weekends he had to be home to care for his kids while their mother was ill.. He just cant afford to take off work the whole week. See like us.. And like many many other texans.. THey do not have health care coverage and if he misses work oye! Like I said before.. The little girl is really NOT BAD.. She really isnt.. We just have different rules in our house than she is adjusted to and she can be on the annoying side.. Okay she is on the annoying side.. But by the end of the week she will have my rules drilled into her head.. IF anything.. She’ll know what yes ma’am and no ma’am, thank you, and please are!!!!!

A few other things I want to touch up on..

I hope I havent led you all to believe my marriage is just 100% pure crap(for lack of better words). Its not.. Its really not a horrible horrible marriage one I should run from now.. I’m sure you guys understand that too.. Its just that things dont always work for us.. Of course everyone goes through that.. Only sometimes.. i’m not sure how we get through.. Its not a horrible horrible thing and its not something where the circumstances are really bad or anything. Its just well in limbo and has been for awhile. Things arent perfect. We argue but dont fight all the time. THe kids arent in a bad situation. Its just when you know things arent working like they should you start to wonder what you need to do next or how long to live like that.. Sometimes it turns out.. That when everything is fine.. I’m the only one that something is wrong with.. I know to some that makes sense and to others that doesnt. But my reality is different from my friends and family and sometimes.. I question if its me or if its really that things dont work. Because who knows anymore? I tend to push away the best people. People who want to be there and want to help and when people try i tend to push them away too.. I have walls built around me so high that no one can get in and dh has asked me many times.. MANY times.. IF i can just relax and let him in.. I dont know how. I spent so long building those walls to protect myslef from the pain he has caused me in the past.. I dont know how to let them down. And that goes with everything. I dont exactly hold grudges.. But I can’t seem to forget those who hurt me.. I might pretend everything is okay and I might be able to enjoy the persons company and I might be able to spend time wiht that person. But if that person tries to get close to me.. They run into that wall and they hit it hard.. I can turn it off just like that. I dont know any other way.
So I dont know if my marriage can survive that. Because it seems. No matter how hard he tries.. The wall is there.. Yet no matter how hard I try 1. I cant let my gaurd down.. He hurt me more than once in the past.. I dont know if I can ever give him a chance to hurt me again and 2. He holds that against me. 3. We’ve grown into different people. What if it just doesnt work anymore?

Is it possible it just doesnt work? I cant picture my future with him. Yet I cant picture it with out him so I dont know. I really dont know if I love him anymore. I mean I love him. He is the father of my kids.. We’ve been together almost 10 years.. But is it just because he has been part of my life for a major chunk of my life.. ? Is it because of the kids? Could we survive with out the kids in teh equation? Is that all we are? the kids? The only good relationship i’ve ever seen is my grandparents. My parents relationship.. Im scared im going to end up like that.. They are still together but I cant tell you how many times they have separated and filed for divorce and gotten back together. Ic an’t tell you how many times both of them have had an affair.. I’ve never had an affair and have no desire to. I dont want to be miserable after 25 years together. I dont want to be like that.. Maybe im wanting to run because I fear that???????What if its really all in my head and the problem is me? I know he is far far from perfect.. I mean i wouldnt have the walls if he didnt help lay the foundation for them.. But as he puts it,”How long am I goign to make him pay for his mistakes” I dont have an answer..

As for the anxiety. Yes I believe Im having anxiety attacks again. I had one in walmart (of all places) the other day.. Couldnt breathe.. Chest tightened up.. Felt lovely.. I start hving them again every once in awhile.. Must remember to call the dr today.. Although i know i wont get in for awhile.. I still need to go ahve my thyriod tested and soon.. just cant be this week..

I havent filled you all in on Wyatt or the kids in awhile.. Wyatt is a growing boy! He weighs 14lbs 4 oz.. hasnt gained much weight but he grew 5 inches! Here is a pic..
See the sweet potatoes on his outfit?
[img]http://www.venusspeaks.com/ivytiedup/photos/data/media/18/aaa_004.jpg[/img]

[img]http://www.venusspeaks.com/ivytiedup/photos/data/media/18/aaa_005.jpg[/img]

He is a ham..

The other kiddos are doing okay. School doesnt have much longer left.. Bug is doing okay as long as he has a routine. I’m not sure what we will do when summer gets here.. THat should be fun.. Sugar is still having a hard time adjusting to wyatt and her lack of being spoiled. She tells me all the time she is my baby.. I tell her all the time she’ll always be my baby.. She loves Wyatt and gets really jealous that she is too little and he is too big for her to hold him like the other 2 do..

I’m doing a favor for a friend. She went into the hospital and will be there a week. So I’m babysitting her 4 year old daughter. Normally no big deal right? Something friends do. Im only going to have the little girl while her father is at work. Her 6 year old brother will be at school during the day. I’ll meet the father at the bus stop in the morning (our kids ride the bus together) and I’ll get her from him, keep her all day, then return her that afternoon when the bus runs to drop our kids off.. Most of the time i wouldn’t mind. I wouldn’t think twice about it.. That’s just how I am. I’ll do for someone else because I care and because I can.. Now i’m wondering what I have gotten myself into.. Its only suppose to be a week.. I can handle a week right? What if its longer??????????

I’ve already got my hands full around here.. I like my friend alot. I enjoy her company. BUT I have kept her kids in the past.. And I swore I’d never do it again. I can handle about an hour or 2 before it starts driving me mad.. These kids have no discipline. NONE.. They have no manners. Its easy to tell who runs their house.. The kids do.. They do not respect what you say. Now.. Don’t get to thinking they are lil horrible, snot nose brats who do not mind, get everything they want and destroy everything in their path.. They aren’t.. They are pretty good kids.. BUT they have NO manners and do not listen.. They are used to having things their way at their house and their moms rules are different than mine. I run a tight ship.. if not.. This ship will sink..

Here is an example. Last time I kept the lil girl.. Her and sugar were hungry.. So I fixed them breakfast.. The lil girl before ever taking a bite tells me,” I dont want that”. I had already given them a choice.. What she wanted I didn’t have and I dont make 2 meals.. I fix ONE… you eat it or you dont.. No other choices! Well she takes a bite and then decides she isnt hungry anymore.. Fine.. She eats like a bird anyhow. I leave her plate on the table and go about my day because i imagine in 10 min she will be hungry gain.. She comes up about 15 min later and demands I feed her.. I tell her that her plate is on the table.. She said ,”NO! Take me to the store and get me something” I tell her that’s not the way things work at my house.. She says,”my momma would and she’d be mad at you” I told her i’m sorry things dont work like that at my house and that she can eat whats on the table or she can wait for lunch. So she decides she isnt eating.. less than 30 min later she is hungry again and starts whining.. At that point i tell her she hast to eat whats on the table or wait for lunch.. This goes on for 2 hours.. Then lunch time rolls around. I offer them 2 choices.. Left overs from last night or a sandwich.. She wants a pot pie.. I told her I didn’t have any left overs or a sandwich.. She says i can take her to the store.. I said NO! She yells again her momma would.. anyhow they settle on left overs.. So i fix their plates.. and they sit down to eat.. She takes a few bites then DEMANDS i carry her to subway and get her something.. Sorry lil girl that’s not how it works at my house! She goes into this long fit about how her momma would and she is going to be mad at me.. I told her that’s fine.. IF her momma is mad at me for that she doesn’t have to bring her back to my house but that I doubted her momma would be mad at me..

Then later on she proceeds to go through Sugars things and stating this outfit is hers and that is hers and she is taking them home.. Well they are both 4 years old. Both wear the same clothes.. Her mom and I shop at the same places so they have alot of the same clothes.. It took me hours to convince this lil girl she was NOT taking Sugar’s clothes with her..So then she walks to the front door opens it up and proceeds to tell me she is going outside (ITS POURING RAIN).. I walk over.. Pick her up, put her in the house and tell her she is not going to tell me what she is going to do. That in my house we ASK permission to do things and that its pouring down rain.. She gets mad and starts yelling she wants to go outside.. I put her in time out and am done with it..

About 30 min later Sugar comes up and tells me she wants the lil girl to go home.. She doesn’t like to listen to her whine and she doesn’t like her taking over everything AND she wont take a nap.. I couldn’t help but chuckle.. But really.. Sugar still needs her naps. She gets irritated when she doesn’t get some down time. Much like her mother.. She doesn’t have to sleep but she needs her down time. With this lil girl around there is no down time.. Its an uphill battle pushing a moose while in roller skates all day long.. you are constantly on your tip toes and making the lil girl stop doing that, stay put, no, no no, you cant have that, get out of that, leave that alone, we dont do that here,you cant have that, etc..

From keeping both this lil girl and her brother in the past.. I can see that they are rarely told no.. They are very used to having control. And i’m not unjustified saying this.. This isnt a case of them seeing how far they can go.. I know this because my kids have gone and stayed over there and Diva and Bug have told me how it goes over there.. There are alot of things those kids get away with that my kids would NEVER get away with.. These kids NEVER say yes ma’am, no ma’am, thank you, yes sir, etc.. They do not have the basic manners that kids should have..

This in turn drives me mad. Its a big point for me because its been grilled into my kids since they could talk.. YOU MUST HAVE MANNERS.. For your well being and others! YOU MUST HAVE MANNERS! They are important in a society that is becoming a social hazard.. Parents need to teach their kids manners and common courtesy..

So now i’m wondering what I’ve gotten myself into considering i’m going to have this little girl all week.. Can I handle it? Will I be a major wreck by the end of the week? Will this lil girl invade my space and my mind? Will I begin to dread seeing her? She also has a voice that you can only take about an hour of.. Its a really really bad whiny voice.. Even her mother admits her voice is enough to make you crazy.. Its very high pitched and whiny.. So can I make it?????

And please parents.. Even if you spoil your kids rotten, give them everything you can… The concept is really easy.. Insist that your kids have MANNERS and be respectful to others.. Manners are huge!

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On a totally un related issue.. Has anyone seen the movie Running with scissors????? It spells out dysfunction perfectly and sometimes thats totally what my life feels like!

On another note.. I totally feel like running.. Far away.. I can’t feel close right now to anyone. Its too hard.. Takes too much time and energy that i dont have.. Thats sad huh.. But really..

My husband and I were discussing divorce again the other night. He changed his mind of course.. He told me he loved me.. and asked me if I still love him.. He said he doesnt want a divorce.. I know he loves me.. But I couldnt say the same.. I dont know anymore.. People change.. I have.. He has.. He just doesnt see it.. So I dont know.. How long can you live like that???? Sad thing is.. Right now.. It doesnt bother me to feel like this.. I feel really void.. It doesnt hurt.. It doesnt feel anything.. I can look at him and feel nothing.. not a thing.. why is that????????

I feel sick alot. Sick to my stomach.. All the time.. Like I need to throw up. I have only gone through this a few times since highschool. Back then I drank alot and popped alot of pills to deal with what I was feeling.. TO stop the feelings inside me.. TO drown them out. TO make them go away. Back then.. I’d throw up to purge myself of the feelings.. . I cant do that now.. I dont want to do that now.. Why does our feelings have to make us physically sick? Isnt it enough to deal with the crap emmotionally?

Ever think back to what you once were? Now this post.. Is a reflection on what I once was.. I am not meaning to sound like a bad ass or someone who was great or grand or anything else that people stupidly think about themselves when they were in high school..This is a self reflection.. Of what I once was.. Who I am now and What I regret…

I’m sure most have heard the saying,”Don’t regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted”
Then there is the one
“don’t regret anything because its made you what you are today”

First thing first.. I have a ton of regrets.. They stem back to parts of my life i don’t really remember a hell of alot about. Could say that’s a good thing but its not.. I hurt a good many people during that time. Broke a few hearts.. Hurt friends.. Family..etc..

Back when I was just a kid.. Pretending not to be a kid.. I hurt so many people.. Those people.. I wish were still around.. Good friends.. I drop kicked them like it was nothing. I had friends. Lots of them.. But I held onto that saying,” best friends make the worst enemies” and “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” meaning.. I trusted no one..

I trusted them okay.. Trusted everyone enough to think they’d hurt me.. I lived by the code hurt them before you get hurt.. Run before they do.. etc.

For instance.. Had a really great friend.. He was always there.. ALWAYS.. One that you could count on no matter what.. Only.. He wanted more.. I led him on.. Drug him around.. Played the game and in the end hurt him. Why? Because I could. Because it was easier than getting hurt.. I honestly thought.. If its mean to be whats it going to hurt for me to go and do now.. We were kids.. we had forever right? In that process.. I hurt him. In that thinking I alienated EVERYONE who cared for him because they hated me.. Our mutual friends.. Went away when i hurt him.. They drop kicked me like it was nothing.. Only it wasnt “nothing” it was everything.. because I hurt someone they cared about and I didn’t have to.. I chose to! I did it and kept going.. I didn’t stop.. I expected the pieces to follow me.. To pick up and follow me around and be there even though i had broken them and refused to pick it up and put it back together.. I broke it and I left it for everyone else to deal with. Now all those people.. I was close to.. Were no longer in my life.. Onto another bunch..

The next bunch.. I lived by the same rules.. great guy.. wonderful friend.. But that’s all I could be.. I couldn’t give anymore than I had to give right? But I let him think maybe I could.. Just maybe.. I drug him alone like my own lil play toy… In the end.. Hurt him.. Good bye friend.. He married one of my friends.. Who is no longer my friend and hasn’t spoken to me since.. Her words..”You lost a great guy and you didn’t even care”.. She then proceeded to explain she was the one who put the pieces back together and I was no longer welcome in the “circle”.

Where she was wrong.. Is that I did care.. i cared very very much.. So much it ate at me and ate at me and ate at me and I was literally sick over it.. What happens when i’m hurting? I get sick.. I throw up.. I damage myself and then end up moving on to boost my ego and hurt someone else just so my hurt isn’t as bad..

But the hurt only got worse.. In time.. Nothing more than a shell of a person.. One I didnt know.. and didnt like.. I mean those are just 2 examples.. There were many more.. I could give you a list of people who will no longer speak to me due to the fact that I hurt someone they cared about.. And i can’t say I didnt mean to.. I mean I didnt hurt them on purpose.. BUT I knew it would hurt them because they expected more and I wanted nothing more than someone to flirt with and have a good time (and no im not talking sex here guys.. minds out of the gutter).. They were just a stop in my road of life.. Not something I expected to last or be long term.. I was foolish to think I could remain friends with them..

Our past makes our future.. right? Determines who we are later in life.. Lessons learned and that kind of stuff..? Its all in how we deal with our past. How we learn our lessons and take it and use it to mold who we are in the future.. It can be negative or positive right? I look back now.. And think about all the bad and good and all the friends I lost because I was too selfish.. But I wasnt selfish like spoiled selfish. No I was too selfish in thinking only my feelings mattered and protecting myself at all cost. I was selfish in thinking it was okay to hurt others to spare myself..

Look at me now.. Do you believe in Karma? Im starting to think i’m getting mine.. It makes sense.. Perfect sense.. Part of me has a strong desire to contact some of those people.. Because we were once friends.. We once stood up for each other.. Cared about each other.. But… I screwed that up.. I admit it.. I hurt them and people they cared about.. Hell.. I wouldn’t want to be my friend..

If I could take it back would I? I’d take alot back.. I regret alot.. I dont ever want to relive those years.. But i’d like to take back some of the hurt and pain.. Maybe its because i’m being selfish again and feeling sorry for myself.. I lost alot of good friends.. Only I didnt lose them.. I gave them away didnt I?

I’m going crazy. Like the stress of everything is swallowing me whole. My head constantly aches and my neck and shoulders are so tense it hurts to move. Its so bad that I feel like I’m really sick but i’m not.. Its the stress.. Hubby.. Since he got the spider bite in November.. Has been weird.. He is pretty much flipped out and now has psycho days and its driving me mad.. I do good to handle my moods and my sons moods and now I have to deal with him too? How on earth is this fair? Okay selfish rant aside.. I can’t handle it.. I really can’t.. I can deal with a lot of crap and everyone knows I have.. BUT I can not handle who he is now.. His rants about nothing. His constant forgetting things we’ve discussed. His lack of attention, caring, motivation, etc, etc, etc. He is now everything he was always against.. And I can not stand it. As a person. I DO NOT LIKE HIM anymore.. And its driving me mad.. It really is.. its making daily life pure hell.. Now do I blame the spider bite? I don’t know.. That is just when all this started happening. I don’t know how much more I can take.. He is whiney.. lacks attention.. Doesn’t care enough about anyone else to listen to anything.. He is very crabby all the time.. Emotional and everything he shouldn’t/hasn’t ever been until now..

I know this sounds horrible.. For better or worse and all that jazz.. Don’t go reading something into something I ha vent said.. I’m not talking about my marriage being over or me leaving or anything of that nature.. But really how much can I take? I don’t know.. I don’t know whats left.. i really don’t.. I’m starting to resent him. Every word he speaks.. I cringe.. Every little whine I want to rip my hair out and his too.. I deal with enough with 4 kids.. I can’t take his constant emotional mess and his constant needs.. He was never like this before.. After 8 years of him being all about him and independent.. I cant take his suddenly needing 100% of my time.. I CANT GIVE IT.. I don’t know how.. I don’t have 100% to give..

I have 4 kids who need me.. I have myself to take care of.. I take care of him too.. Always have.. BUT back then.. he had a brain and he used it.. He could think for himself and wasnt an emotional mess.. He didn’t drag me down into his underworld and his self torture.. He is making everyone around him miserable.. And I’m the number one target.. This self pity, emotional wreck, cant take whats going on in real life, crap has been going on for months now.. I’m literally at my end.. I don’t know which way is up..

I’m being dragged down till I cant breathe.. It hurts to move.. I don’t want to wake up in the morning and I don’t want to go to bed at night. I just want to get away from the constant drama that he is providing me with lately.. I need a break.. BUT I cant catch one. If something doesn’t change soon.. I’m going to lose it..