Ivy Tied Up |

Ever think back to what you once were? Now this post.. Is a reflection on what I once was.. I am not meaning to sound like a bad ass or someone who was great or grand or anything else that people stupidly think about themselves when they were in high school..This is a self reflection.. Of what I once was.. Who I am now and What I regret…

I’m sure most have heard the saying,”Don’t regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted”
Then there is the one
“don’t regret anything because its made you what you are today”

First thing first.. I have a ton of regrets.. They stem back to parts of my life i don’t really remember a hell of alot about. Could say that’s a good thing but its not.. I hurt a good many people during that time. Broke a few hearts.. Hurt friends.. Family..etc..

Back when I was just a kid.. Pretending not to be a kid.. I hurt so many people.. Those people.. I wish were still around.. Good friends.. I drop kicked them like it was nothing. I had friends. Lots of them.. But I held onto that saying,” best friends make the worst enemies” and “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” meaning.. I trusted no one..

I trusted them okay.. Trusted everyone enough to think they’d hurt me.. I lived by the code hurt them before you get hurt.. Run before they do.. etc.

For instance.. Had a really great friend.. He was always there.. ALWAYS.. One that you could count on no matter what.. Only.. He wanted more.. I led him on.. Drug him around.. Played the game and in the end hurt him. Why? Because I could. Because it was easier than getting hurt.. I honestly thought.. If its mean to be whats it going to hurt for me to go and do now.. We were kids.. we had forever right? In that process.. I hurt him. In that thinking I alienated EVERYONE who cared for him because they hated me.. Our mutual friends.. Went away when i hurt him.. They drop kicked me like it was nothing.. Only it wasnt “nothing” it was everything.. because I hurt someone they cared about and I didn’t have to.. I chose to! I did it and kept going.. I didn’t stop.. I expected the pieces to follow me.. To pick up and follow me around and be there even though i had broken them and refused to pick it up and put it back together.. I broke it and I left it for everyone else to deal with. Now all those people.. I was close to.. Were no longer in my life.. Onto another bunch..

The next bunch.. I lived by the same rules.. great guy.. wonderful friend.. But that’s all I could be.. I couldn’t give anymore than I had to give right? But I let him think maybe I could.. Just maybe.. I drug him alone like my own lil play toy… In the end.. Hurt him.. Good bye friend.. He married one of my friends.. Who is no longer my friend and hasn’t spoken to me since.. Her words..”You lost a great guy and you didn’t even care”.. She then proceeded to explain she was the one who put the pieces back together and I was no longer welcome in the “circle”.

Where she was wrong.. Is that I did care.. i cared very very much.. So much it ate at me and ate at me and ate at me and I was literally sick over it.. What happens when i’m hurting? I get sick.. I throw up.. I damage myself and then end up moving on to boost my ego and hurt someone else just so my hurt isn’t as bad..

But the hurt only got worse.. In time.. Nothing more than a shell of a person.. One I didnt know.. and didnt like.. I mean those are just 2 examples.. There were many more.. I could give you a list of people who will no longer speak to me due to the fact that I hurt someone they cared about.. And i can’t say I didnt mean to.. I mean I didnt hurt them on purpose.. BUT I knew it would hurt them because they expected more and I wanted nothing more than someone to flirt with and have a good time (and no im not talking sex here guys.. minds out of the gutter).. They were just a stop in my road of life.. Not something I expected to last or be long term.. I was foolish to think I could remain friends with them..

Our past makes our future.. right? Determines who we are later in life.. Lessons learned and that kind of stuff..? Its all in how we deal with our past. How we learn our lessons and take it and use it to mold who we are in the future.. It can be negative or positive right? I look back now.. And think about all the bad and good and all the friends I lost because I was too selfish.. But I wasnt selfish like spoiled selfish. No I was too selfish in thinking only my feelings mattered and protecting myself at all cost. I was selfish in thinking it was okay to hurt others to spare myself..

Look at me now.. Do you believe in Karma? Im starting to think i’m getting mine.. It makes sense.. Perfect sense.. Part of me has a strong desire to contact some of those people.. Because we were once friends.. We once stood up for each other.. Cared about each other.. But… I screwed that up.. I admit it.. I hurt them and people they cared about.. Hell.. I wouldn’t want to be my friend..

If I could take it back would I? I’d take alot back.. I regret alot.. I dont ever want to relive those years.. But i’d like to take back some of the hurt and pain.. Maybe its because i’m being selfish again and feeling sorry for myself.. I lost alot of good friends.. Only I didnt lose them.. I gave them away didnt I?