Ivy Tied Up |

So I made it through yesterday. 1 day down 4 to go.. I think I did okay. My head is pounding this morning. I went to bed last night at 10:30. Which is earlier than i’ve gone to bed in the last few weeks.. THe last few weeks ive been getting to bed oh i’d say at about 8am and getting up at 11am.. Sleep hadnt been coming easy.. Last night I was exhausted to say the least.. I woke up at 4 am.. Well 3:45 but didnt get out of bed till 4.. Gotta love allergy/sinus season in SE Texas..

Back to yesterday.. IT went as I expected. The lil girl whinned most of the day.. Then towards the end of the day when I didnt think I could take anymore.. She started singing/yelling in her high pitched voice and it was like nails down a chalk board.. I told her to calm down… And at 4pm I took her to her grandfather and was relieved he was actually there to get her.. See I cant back out and not keep her now. Her mother is in the hospital and there really isnt anyone else to watch her.. Her mother will hopefully be out by the end of the week.. BUt I question if once out she will be strong enough to watch her. The lil girl requires lots of attention. Again Yesterday Sugar was completely worn out by the lil girl.. And more than ready for her to go home. Thankfully I only have her during the school day while Diva and bug are at school. I couldnt handle her here with all of my kids here. And I wont have her this weekend I know because her daddy told his boss he couldnt work weekends he had to be home to care for his kids while their mother was ill.. He just cant afford to take off work the whole week. See like us.. And like many many other texans.. THey do not have health care coverage and if he misses work oye! Like I said before.. The little girl is really NOT BAD.. She really isnt.. We just have different rules in our house than she is adjusted to and she can be on the annoying side.. Okay she is on the annoying side.. But by the end of the week she will have my rules drilled into her head.. IF anything.. She’ll know what yes ma’am and no ma’am, thank you, and please are!!!!!

A few other things I want to touch up on..

I hope I havent led you all to believe my marriage is just 100% pure crap(for lack of better words). Its not.. Its really not a horrible horrible marriage one I should run from now.. I’m sure you guys understand that too.. Its just that things dont always work for us.. Of course everyone goes through that.. Only sometimes.. i’m not sure how we get through.. Its not a horrible horrible thing and its not something where the circumstances are really bad or anything. Its just well in limbo and has been for awhile. Things arent perfect. We argue but dont fight all the time. THe kids arent in a bad situation. Its just when you know things arent working like they should you start to wonder what you need to do next or how long to live like that.. Sometimes it turns out.. That when everything is fine.. I’m the only one that something is wrong with.. I know to some that makes sense and to others that doesnt. But my reality is different from my friends and family and sometimes.. I question if its me or if its really that things dont work. Because who knows anymore? I tend to push away the best people. People who want to be there and want to help and when people try i tend to push them away too.. I have walls built around me so high that no one can get in and dh has asked me many times.. MANY times.. IF i can just relax and let him in.. I dont know how. I spent so long building those walls to protect myslef from the pain he has caused me in the past.. I dont know how to let them down. And that goes with everything. I dont exactly hold grudges.. But I can’t seem to forget those who hurt me.. I might pretend everything is okay and I might be able to enjoy the persons company and I might be able to spend time wiht that person. But if that person tries to get close to me.. They run into that wall and they hit it hard.. I can turn it off just like that. I dont know any other way.
So I dont know if my marriage can survive that. Because it seems. No matter how hard he tries.. The wall is there.. Yet no matter how hard I try 1. I cant let my gaurd down.. He hurt me more than once in the past.. I dont know if I can ever give him a chance to hurt me again and 2. He holds that against me. 3. We’ve grown into different people. What if it just doesnt work anymore?

Is it possible it just doesnt work? I cant picture my future with him. Yet I cant picture it with out him so I dont know. I really dont know if I love him anymore. I mean I love him. He is the father of my kids.. We’ve been together almost 10 years.. But is it just because he has been part of my life for a major chunk of my life.. ? Is it because of the kids? Could we survive with out the kids in teh equation? Is that all we are? the kids? The only good relationship i’ve ever seen is my grandparents. My parents relationship.. Im scared im going to end up like that.. They are still together but I cant tell you how many times they have separated and filed for divorce and gotten back together. Ic an’t tell you how many times both of them have had an affair.. I’ve never had an affair and have no desire to. I dont want to be miserable after 25 years together. I dont want to be like that.. Maybe im wanting to run because I fear that???????What if its really all in my head and the problem is me? I know he is far far from perfect.. I mean i wouldnt have the walls if he didnt help lay the foundation for them.. But as he puts it,”How long am I goign to make him pay for his mistakes” I dont have an answer..

As for the anxiety. Yes I believe Im having anxiety attacks again. I had one in walmart (of all places) the other day.. Couldnt breathe.. Chest tightened up.. Felt lovely.. I start hving them again every once in awhile.. Must remember to call the dr today.. Although i know i wont get in for awhile.. I still need to go ahve my thyriod tested and soon.. just cant be this week..

I havent filled you all in on Wyatt or the kids in awhile.. Wyatt is a growing boy! He weighs 14lbs 4 oz.. hasnt gained much weight but he grew 5 inches! Here is a pic..
See the sweet potatoes on his outfit?
[img]http://www.venusspeaks.com/ivytiedup/photos/data/media/18/aaa_004.jpg[/img]

[img]http://www.venusspeaks.com/ivytiedup/photos/data/media/18/aaa_005.jpg[/img]

He is a ham..

The other kiddos are doing okay. School doesnt have much longer left.. Bug is doing okay as long as he has a routine. I’m not sure what we will do when summer gets here.. THat should be fun.. Sugar is still having a hard time adjusting to wyatt and her lack of being spoiled. She tells me all the time she is my baby.. I tell her all the time she’ll always be my baby.. She loves Wyatt and gets really jealous that she is too little and he is too big for her to hold him like the other 2 do..