Ivy Tied Up |

with me? Why do so many people who BARELY know me put me in the middle of their problems? This lady.. who’s kids ride the bus with my kids.. Her husband called me tonight. Just wanted to let me know whats going on.. Apparently she is drinking again.. She fell off the wagon.. She was going to AA meetings and on meds for the withdrawls.. Her family was falling apart.. Well I knew she was drinking again.. I’ve seen her erratic behavior get worse.. Her lying to her family telling them that she is at my house when she is out drinking at 9am!!!!!!!! Well apparently she dropped her kids off at her SONS biological fathers house.. Dropped both kids.. One isnt even his! Its her husbands.. She dropped both kids off there friday and left.. No one heard from her until Sunday. She called her husband wanting her sons bio father’s number.. She didnt even have it.. She called her sons bio father and told him to RUN with both her kids.. He called her husband and said whats going on? Her husband went and got his daughter.. Had to call the cops and threatened to press kidnapping charges if they didnt hand her over.. The son is so freaked out.. He wants to go home.. But the husband cant do anything about it becuase he isnt his biological father.. He told him he is working on it and that he loves him.. She called him (the husband) tonight and asked him if he still loved her.. Of course he loves her but he is filing for a divorce (going ot find a lawyer) on monday and seeking custody of his daughter.. He was pouring it out for me.. I could tell he was hurting and I feel for him.. But why me? Apparently I’m the only friend she has.. And i’m the only one who isnt a raging alcoholic.. The problems go much deeper.. he told me things HE is ashamed of that she has done.. And he said he forgives her but will never forget.. He said he doesnt want ot be with out her but doesnt know any other way to help her.. But to leave her since he’s paid for rehab and everything else and hse will NOT stick with it.. She is 23.. And has her whole life ahead of her.. a 7 year old and a 4 year old and will NOT straighten her ass up.. He doesnt know what else to do.. I dont knwo what to tell him.. I dont know why he came to me.. She isnt going to call me.. Because i’ll tell her how it is.. I wont lie to her..

My dh says I dont need the stress.. Walk AWAY from the situation.. But I didnt even walk INTO the situation.. He says,”DONT TAKE THIS ON!” and he is right.. I can’t afford the stress.. I’ll buckle and end up cycling again and it will be worse than last time.. I already told her husband I wont be in the middle of this.. He asked me if he needed me to go to court for him and testify as to her actions would i.. Because i’m the only one around here other than HIS family that has seen her in action first hand.. Part of me says in a heart beat because its whats best for that child!!! part of me says no way im not getting in the middle of it!
I dont know!!!!!! I’m hoping they dont need me at all.. What do I have tos ay really other than yes.. She is a raving alcoholic.. Has driven around with her daughter drunk! Has purchased beer at 8 am and proceeded to drink it. Has called me many times ot pick up her kids because she couldnt do it.. My Dh is not going to like it if i get involved.. I dont want to be involved.. Why do so many people come to me for this shit???????????????

**You may notice my blogroll has become smaller.. I removed dead links.. if you belong there.. PLEASE let me know!!

Okay so maybe im a horrible person. I can’t understand it at all.. I don’t know how to make that stop. Dh is trying.. over and over again he is trying.. Me.. I JUST WANT HIM TO LEAVE ME ALONE… Its too much.. Okay so i’m never satisfied.. I dont know how to solve that.. He is smothering me.. I can’t take it.. I can’t breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!

He says ,”what you dont love me anymore” I cant even give him that.. I say,”sometimes” and thats it.. i’m cold.. careless.. Its like im floating outside my body and I see myself say the words and the expression on my face and its mean.. Its cold.. and I cant help it.. I see/ hear it but I dont stop it.. What the hell is wrong with me? How can I be so careless and mean.. So cruel? Part of me cares.. its a very small part mind you.. He calls.. And he checks on me.. and he says,”i love you” i say,”bye” he says,”I love you”.. I say,”bye” and hang up.. I want him to leave.. but if he ever does.. It will hurt and i’ll cry.. I think..

I’ve tried to divorce him many times.. I’ve told him I hated him.. Refuse to tell him I love him.. yet he says,”no you dont”.. and wont give me a divorce easily.. why not? What would I do if he did? I dont know really.. Im pretty cruel I know.. Now alot of it.. doesnt go unwarranted.. He deserves atleast half of what he gets.. The past is proof.. He deserves atleast half.. But not all..

I grew up with my mom doing my dad the same way.. Not only did she do my dad that way but me as well.. Rarely did she do my sister like that but thats another story for another day. But she spent atleast 16 years being hateful to both my dad and I… She’d go out of her way to make my dad miserable.. He put up with it for awhile. now that i’m grown. Alot of things have come out. Alot of things I didnt know about as a kid.. So some was warranted but certainly not all and im not sure i’d say half (maybe i’m a daddy’s girl i dunno). but I see alot of my mom in me and its scary.. They separated on and off through out the years.. I dont remember any of them until I was 18 and my dad moved out.. Even now they are still together and have separated many times in the last 9 years.. my mom can be a cold, heartless, cruel person. Hate you when she has you and want you or need you like mad when you walk away.. Her and my dad keep dancing the same dance and he refuses to give up on her.. Why.. I dunno.. i havent figured that out yet.. Maybe tis the same reason I havent ever given up on her no matter how cruel she was.. Maybe its because every time its REALLY counted and that we’ve REALLY needed her.. She was there.. She’ll bend over backwards and help alot of people out there.. but she’ll be a bitch while doing it.. You’ll swear she hates your guts while she is helping you out.. So why knowing all I know about her and how I swore i’d never turn out like her.. Why can’t I stop myself from being her? I dont want to dance.. I dont want to play this game.

im not exactly like her.. I’m not bitter and I dont hate hte world.. My only problem is with my husband.. Her problem was with just about everyone.. She just put most of her anger and hostility and resentment towards me and my dad.. I just dont know why i do the things I do.. When i’m doing them.. i dont care. and its not really what i do as how i act towards him and what I say.. because really I do not DO anything wrong.. Im just mean, i say and act horribly.. And even knowing this.. If he wakes me up in the morning like he did this morning.. I’ll go off on him.. He’ll say ,”i love you and i’ll say i hate you” and walk off like its nothing.. I wont even blink or bat and eye lash.. I wont have a second thought about saying it.. not until at night when i’m writing.. Why the hell does he stick around? I dont want to be around.. why does he?

How many times have you woke up and thought,”hmm.. SLEEP!!! when will I fall?” Who knows how many of us have thought about it 10x a day if not more.. Waiting.. And waiting. And waiting.. And waiting some more.. I got a really good buzz going Saturday night.. Felt good to get a buzz after many years with out one (yes I said years).. At least many years of it being something else that caused the buzz other than mania.. Woo hoo.. felt good.. Felt damn good.. and yeah I dont brag about things like that often.. So dont mistake this for a brag.. It just felt good to have a night with out kids that I could actually get sloshed and not worry about the consequences of my actions since I wasnt putting anyone or myself in any danger and I know when to stop..
I had a really good time..

I told my husband things i havent told him ever about what i went through since January.. I asked him if it bothered him or worried him.. He said yes and kinda sat there.. so I dont know if it was worth it or if I’ll ever mention it again.. If anything.. maybe next time he’ll notice..

Lately.. I’ve been craving things I havent craved in years.. And I do mean years.. Yeah I crave a smoke all day long.. Every single day.. but I’m talking worse than before.. I crave a drink.. I crave a smoke.. I crave a joint like mad.. I havent done that shit since I was a teen.. And I crave less and less food.. What the hell is going on? maybe its a mid- mid life crisis.. my dad seemed to go through one..LOL okay he seemed to go through several..

I changed my hair again.. Its now black and a chest nut brownish reddish color for chunks.. or maybe its the brownish reddish color with black for chunks.. who really knows but its both of those colors.. probably a few more mixed in where some of the dye didn’t do what it should have.. that always happens but that’s okay it doesn’t look bad and I’ll live..

my house almost burned down yesterday.. Had I not been home it probably would have.. See.. the a/c was frozen up.. and i turned off the a/c part and just left the blower going to defrost it.. and it started thawing really fast..faster than it was draining and the water started going everywhere and water got into the electrical crap and caused it to short circuit and sparks went everywhere.. and the breaker part on the furnace caught fire and something on the blower started shooting sparks.. it was so fucking scary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! luckily i heard the sparks when they started and got up to see what it was.. i had to throw the breaker to the entire house to find the other breakers to the furnace to shut all that off so my house didn’t burn down.. While ALL This was going on.. Hubby comes in being carried by his dad and step brother.. He had fallen in the hunting club and had to call them to go get him.. He says,”I think i broke my leg” and I said,”my house is going to burn down get out of my way. I cant find the freaking breaker to it” well he sits down and acts like I’m nuts.. because he obviously was not there to see the fire shooting out of the furnace breaker box! After I get the entire thing shut down and he smells smoke he starts believing me.. So we are once again with out air until they get this fixed.. That should be on Tuesday or wed depending on if they can find the parts locally.. I hope so!!!!!!!! I’ll still be scared to go to sleep.. scared that the damn thing will catch fire again! but the part that caused the fire was the furnace part and they do not intend to hook that back up right now.. just the blower part.. ahh its all too much.. Okay so we get that all taken care of or atleast the fire stopped and figured out.. And its time to deal with hubby’s leg.. Dh says,”seriously i think its broken” i said,”where do you want to go” he said no where.. so we waited till today.. he went to work.. couldn’t wear his work boot (remember he is a welder!) so he couldn’t do much. they were not happy. He went to the Dr today.. xray says its not broken.. thank goodness! they said its just a bad sprain and that if its still swollen and hurting real bad in 2 weeks it could have a hairline fracture.. Really nothing they can do about that.. and sent him home.. so all in all. UGH.. he is going to work though the dr told him to take aleve for pain..lol.. for him that’s like taking candy..

They say things happen in 3s.. im waiting.. still waiting.. still waiting.. I know I shouldnt be like that but come on!!!!!!!!!!

on another note.. I absolutely LOVE tom petty.. I’m just so totally wrapped up in his music right now.. Which probably just enhances my “want” for a joint..I havent had one since I had my oldest.. I stopped all that shit in my teens.. Can I go back to 17 again????? Please.. I just thought it was complicated back then.. Really it was the easiest time of my life.. I just want to be care free again.. just for a lil while.. I dont want to give a fuck or have to worry about everything.. just for a short period of time..

I havent told you guys about my fight with dh last Sunday.. it wasnt pretty.. thats for another time though!

OH!!!!!!!! and is there some messed up pen conspiracy I don’t know about? I swear.. I buy pack after pack of pens.. And not the packs with 3 or 4 in them.. NO the BIG packs.. You know for offices.. Yet i can NEVER find a pen when I need one.. NOT ONE..

ANd its hotter than hell in here.. yes.. than hell.. How do I know.. I just do okay! Its hotter than fucking hell in this house with out the AC.. And guess what.. its hotter at night than during the fucking day.. xplain that one please.. I think i’ll go jump off that bridge now!

No I think not..LOL.. No silence.. Ever..

But onto what happened to Wyatt last weekend.. last sunday.. EARLy in the morning.. like at 4 am.. I was changing his bum on my bed.. I say to him “you better be still or you’re gonna go boom” no sooner did I say it.. the lil bit went boom! He fell.. We’ll I’ve been through bumps and bruises before.. I’ve been around kids my entire life.. I know the spill.. you watch them and see how they act and all that.. He had a knot but acted completely normal. He only cried for like 10 seconds.. And he was fine.. Time went on and i kept watch on his knot every 15 minutes.. kept playing with him all was well.. Then I noticed his knot was going away.. This started to worry me a tad as ive never experienced one goign away so soon.. At 9am he took his bottle and played for a n hour and then it was nap time as usual.. I laid down on my bed to talk to hubby and had him (wyatt) laying on top o fme kinda jabbering and half asleep.. i went to feel his knot and there was a tad bit mush to it.. about the size of a thumbprint.. I told dh to feel that it concerned me as i’d never felt it before.. He did.. with in 15 min it was bigger and where there was once a big knot.. There was now a big pocket of fluid.. It scared the crap out of me!!!!!!!!!! I got up and called his ped and took him to the ER.. The er.. was not much help.. They were in very little rush and didnt seem very concerned and yet wouldnt tell me anything at all.. they finally got him back for a cat scan and told me it would be 30 min before they got the results .. 3 hours later.. they walk in and say its a bruise here are your dishcarge papers.. I said,”WAIT! what about the fluid where is it coming from” The nurse says,”what fluid” i said the whole reason we are here! she said look you’ll have to excuse me.. i just came on.. i have no idea whats going on.t hey handed me your papers and told me to discharge you.. I took them from her.. read them and she said,”would you like me to ahve the dr come explain it to you”
i said,”What good would that do considering he has been so helpful thus far!” she said,”if he experiences any vomiting or disoriented please bringhim back in” I said,”IT damn sure wont be to you guys!”

I was livid.. All is well.. His head is well.. He acts fine.. I was terrified but things are okay.. He still ahs a TINY tiny pocket of fluid like mushy stuff left but its very small and is goign away.. now THIS weekend.. i’ll have to tell youa bout that.. in a later post..

I’m still here.. And im okay.. Finally came off my mania.. And got some sleep.. only right now im dragging.. I think its BIG BIG BIG TIME stress related.. There has been some un needed drama on a site I frequent AmazinglyWoman Who knew some women could act like 2 year olds over NOTHING.. But anyhow.. im not going to let it get to me.. its still a good place for women to go and unwind and be around other women.. and I still like it.. Stuff happens..

Kids are good.. Hubby is an asshole (you knew that though right).. inlaws are assholes.. big story with what happened to wyatt this weekend i’ll save that for another post though..

Grr.. Grr.. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHITTTTTTTTTTTT DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn F&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK…. Okay hide your eyes if you dont like it.. Its my blog and i’m in a bad mood what do you expect??????? It could be alot worse.. I promise..

I tried to go to the dr this morning.. I mustered up every cell in my body and every ounce of courage and tried to go to the dr. I got dressed in jeans and a shirt even put a bra on and brushed my teeth to go to the dr.. I still looked like ive been ran over but damn it I went! It takes about 2 months to get an appt they have walk in hours but you MUST be there at 7:30 am.. I was there before they opened the door at 7:30.. They couldnt see me! The dr was double booked and leaving at noon to go out of town.. I said LOOK, I’m manic.. I have been for awhile now. I havent slept in a very long time for more than 2 hours.. I can’t function. I got lost on teh way to the drs office on friday. I cant do anything!!!!!!!! I need something..

They suggested I go to the other office an hour away.. I couldnt drive 30 minutes to beaumont.. How the hell was I going to drive an hour??????????????? I can’t function to make dinner.. Much less drive an hour away.. I can’t remember what day it is.. Much less drive an hour away!!!!!!! So the nurse was really concerned.. She did look honestly truly concerned.. But her hands were tied.. So they want me to come back in the morning. they hve promised if I get there at 7:30 I WILL be seen.. Only my dr wont be there.. as she will be out of town.. I’ll have to see who ever is going to be filing in for her.. Could they tell me who it was? No.. its just going to be some poor slum they pulled off thes treet.. No really its going to be someone from their office an hour away but jeeze.. they dont know who?????????

See here is the problem.. I have to be seen.. I havent slept more than 2-3 hours in a very long time.. I did manage to pass out one weekend total and sleep all freaking weekend.. I was sick but I dont remember when that was.. I can’t get over the paranoia.. Its bad.. Im so agitated and aggravated and pissed off I cant function. And no not at the drs office just because.. I can’t function.. Did I mention I cant even cook dinner because I can’t concentrate long enough? I forget what im doing mid way.. I burned dinner the other day.. That was fucking lovely.. SO i havent cooked in a lil while..

I feel high as a freaking kite only I havent taken shit or smoked shit in a very long time.. My head has been on cloud 9 for a long time now.. And its not getting better..I thought it was till I woke up out of this world after 2 hours of sleep last night.. Its the strangest feeling. i feel like my head is sitting on top of my neck (no really duh? ) and is going to fall off and roll down my arm.. Its a really odd messed up feeling.. One I dont care to experience any longer.. i can’t slow down. I can’t sleep. The second I lay down.. My mind starts writing freaking novels.. I cant describe it.. I’m sure someone out there knows what imt alking about.. but if I had been ble to put it on paper.. I’d be rich by now.. or in a psych ward for the way my mind works and wanders..

You know.. When I was 17 it was okay to be high.. It felt good to be high.. After weeks upon weeks of feeling high as a kite.. I DONT WANT TO BE HIGH EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m over it.. I’m so far over this feeling. i feel like i’ve smoked a pound of hash and i’m stoned out of my mind.. However i havent smoked shit.. Or taken shit for that matter.. Did I mention i’m irritable? I’m biting everyones head off.. ic ant take any noise.. I want the tv off.. I want the kids quiet.. I want everyone to be quiet.. Noise sets me off.. My floor needs vaccumed so bad right now but the noise is like nails on a chalk board and I want to rip the cord out of the wall and smash it into a thousand pieces.. When people talk to me.. All I hear is chatter.. almost like a buzzing sound.. I cant focus long enough to hear what they are saying. Right now.. The computer screen is a blur but I can type.. Some I think anyhow.. Im sure some of this will make some sense and later i’ll either edit it when i can focus or delete it..

If things would just slow down and let me pass out i’d be okay.. if i dont get sleep soon.. i’m going to end up in teh one place I dont want to end up. The mental ward.. I can’t keep on like this.. On teh way to the kids drs office on friday.. I got lost.. I’ve been there 10,000 times.. I know how to get there.. I knew where I was going but suddenly.. NOTHING looked familiar and I got scared and started freaking out.. It took me a few minutes to realize I was where I needed to be.. But i couldnt seem to accept that everything was okay.. So I cant do this anymore.. They have to fix this and they have to fix it soon before I go postal..

Be back to “normal” soon.. I promise..
Desperately needing sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m a couple hours early for Thursday but i have to go bake cookies!

Thirteen Things I remember There are all kinds of things I remember about my child hood and teen years.. Some good some bad.. They kinda come hand in hand.. There is a hell of alot I dont remember but my mind has been stuck lately on what I do remember.. Must be the lack of sleep for days upon days upon days.. So here is a list of some of the things I remember.. Good and bad.. These are things I remember WELL.. 1. I remember running from my uncle who had molested me and my sister for a long time. I wanted to ride the go kart but he wouldn’t let us unless he rode us on it. I didnt want to ride with him. So I took off running to get away from him. He wouldnt leave me alone and chased me. I ran up a wood pile thinking he would leave me alone. Instead he started pulling pieces of wood out front under me and I fell. When I fell he caught me and saved me from breaking my neck on the truck bumper that was there. Instead I broke my elbow. It required surgery to put a pin in it. Then I had to have surgery again to remove the pin.. I was five..All because I wanted to get away from him. I remember the pain and the blood . I remember the smell that day and where the cars were sitting in the drive way. The dirt from the go kart in the air and clinging to my face and I remember my mom and grandmother driving me to the hospital and I remember getting into trouble for climbing the wood pile. I remember they couldnt get ahold of my dad and I remember my grandmother calling my father names because they couldnt reach him and I remember my mom fighting and getting upset with my dad because he was asleep and didnt answer the phone. I remember the cast itching like hell and I remember having my kindergarten pictures taken and the cast being in it.. 2. I remember getting the flu when I was in first grade. I remember being really sick. I was sitting on the couch and my mom walked up to me and asked me if i wanted to go to the hospital and i said yes.. I remember them putting me in an ice bath to get my fever down and me crying because it hurt so bad. I remember my grandmother bought me an ivy and a new night gown. I remember they had trouble getting the night gown on because of my IV.. I remember the pot the ivy was in. It was cream and blue. My mom still has it.. 3. I remember being 7 and my mom and dad sitting us down and telling us they were going to get a divorce. That it wasnt us. My mom was washing dishes. she had a disgusted look on her face.. One that said she hated my dad. I remember hating both of them. My dad did all the talking.. Telling us it wasnt our fault. They just couldnt get along that they loved us.. I remember waiting on my dad to move.. I dont remember if he ever did but they didnt divorce. 4.I remember the way my mom permed my hair when we were little.. I hated it.. She thought it was great..The curls were so hard to brush.. we looked horrible.. lol 5. I remember going shopping with my mom when we were kids.. She’d swear we were just going to run to the store for a little while to pick up a “few things”.. Her few things lasted HOURS. We’d be begging to go home. 6. I remember going camping with my dad and someone else.. I cant remember who the other guy was that went.. But I remember the camp ground and the other kids and swimming off the pier.. I remember a HUGE snake that swam around all of us when we were swimming and I remember screaming SNAKE.. It freaked me out so bad I had trouble going back into the water.. But I did because there was a boy there I liked..LOL I remember eating frog legs for the first time during that camping trip.. We camped in a tent.. It was a blast.. 7. I remember going to the Davis mountains in west Texas with my dad.. We met my grandparents there.. The trip was amazing. We passed so many towns that were stopped in time.. We drove for hours and saw NOTHING but tumble weed.. (literally) I remember rolling down the windows and you could “smell” the heat.. And the sand would sting your face as you were driving down the road.. So we couldnt ride with the windows down.. I remember how cold the nights were and how hot the days were.. I remember my dad telling me about the animals out there. And how when we got to the top of one of the walk ways you could see forever.. It was beautiful! 8. I remember junior high and my friends.. And how things were pretty good but I hurt so bad inside i threw up alot to try to stop the pain. I remember feeling so sick all the time. I remember pretending everything was fine and skipping classes and I remember a teacher who made a comment about me ruling the classroom and to let him know when he could start class. I remember hyperventilating so badly that I my body started going numb and locking up and I was rushed to the Dr. They found i was having panic attacks and couldnt say why. It happened alot after that. 9. I remember picking up my first drink to get drunk and kill the pain.. I remember how it numbed everything. I remember how I had another one after that.. and then another.. And i remember being blitzed out of my mind one night and dancing in a parking lot. I dont remember who all was there or why i was dancing but I remember dancing.. 10. I remember the day my brother was born. I was sixteen.. I remember being woken up and being asked to clean the mess up in the hall way they were going ot the hospital. I remember being a nervous wreck waiting on my grandmother to get to the house and get me and my sister. I remember going to the hospital and hearing my mom scream. I remember being let into the room for a few minutes and they had her bent over a table trying to give her an epi.. I remember her crying.. I hadnt seen her cry very many times. I remember crying with her.. I remember when my dad walked out and told us they were going to take her in for surgery.. I remember him coming out when he was born. I remember going home and baking her a cake for when they came home from the hospital. I remember the oven was broken and the cake wouldnt cook so we went to my friends house and cooked it.. OMG the cake was the most hideous thing i had ever seen but they ate it! I remember holding him and him smiling. 11. I remember my brother. I remember his smiles.. How he said my name.. His smell.. His outfits.. I remember his games.. I remember the day he died.. He was 3. I remember what i was doing.. What I was wearing. I remember what it looked like outside. I remember the weather, the sky, the smell at the hospital. The look on the peoples faces.. The nurse. I remember the day they told me that he was gone… They turned off the machines. I remember how I felt. I remember what people said tome.. the look on their face as I stepped off the elevator before they ever told me.. I remember the looks.. I’ll never forget their looks.. I remember hating them all. I dont remember the funeral. I remember the cars.. The long long long long line of cars.. I remember the motorcycle cops that were my dads friends. I remember walking away from the cemetery to my dads house (which is down the road from the cemetery) but i dont remember being AT the cemetery. I remember walking into the house and a lil boy running up the hall giggling and I remember falling apart and having to leave. I remember people telling me they were sorry and patting me on the knee. I remember people who hadn’t come around in 20 years being there wanting US to feel bad for THEM .. My moms bio dad.. He was sorry he lost something.. I remember being angry at him he had no right to be there.. He didnt lose anything. You can’t lose something you never had.. 12. I remember the day my niece was born. It was the last day of school for that year.. I had to work.. My sister had a drs appt.. She wasnt due.. But she went in and her blood pressure was very high and the dr decided that she was going to take my niece because she was going out of town that weekend and my sisters bp had been elevated.. So they hauled her in for her c section. My nieces dad barely made it and I was stuck at work.. I remember the phone call that they had to do an emergency c section and that they’d let me know. I remember pacing the floor at work waiting for another phone call. I remember getting off work and rushing to get up there but they wouldnt let me see her as visiting hours had JUST ENDED.. God I remember that feeling! I saw her the next day.. She was so beautiful! 13. I remember going to the monster truck show (yeah i know..LOL) I dont know how old i was.. but I remember going with my mom, her friend and this guy.. I knew something wasnt right with this guy.. He was too friendly and tried too hard to get my sister and I to like him. I remember him trying to get me to sit on his lap and I told him NO! Turns out.. He was dating my mom.. I remember him well. I remember he sent her flowers. I remember the truck turning down my road and going to my house.. I remember running home to see who sent her flowers. I remember her lying and saying they were from her friend.. They were from the guy.. I knew it , my sister knew it, my dad knew it.. Everyone knew it but we pretended anyway.Yet i’ve never forgotten the fight they had or the look of the flowers.. . There is alot more I remember.. but that’s for another list at another time.. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. Susan Helene Gottfried 2. Danielle/ 3. Naeva 4. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

I’ve been up since midnight.. I went to bed at 10. I can’t sleep. I woke up and my mind wont shut back down.. So I’m up.. I tried to go back to sleep but after tossing and turning and waking dh up and the baby up I gave up.. So here I am!

just went on and its like everything suddenly makes sense.. Things that havent made sense in a long time.. Things that havent ever made sense and others have made me feel bad about. There is a reason and its real.. I dont know whats scarier.. it all making sense or being in the dark telling myself its not real. How did I not know.. And What do I do next? I tried talking to someone about it before.. A “professional” she looked at me like I was stupid and told me I was wrong and sent me on my way.

on another note.. I cant sleep.. Okay I can sleep but not for long. like 3 hours tops. And only with lights ON.. I know thats a lil twisted and backwards right? So I havent slept in the same bed as dh in days and im keeping people up at night and not on purpose..

you know.. Most of the people i know.. They feel worse in the winter and better in the spring/summer.. me.. im ass backwards.. I’m like a vampire.. I hate the spring/summer.. I hide in my house and dont want to come out.. My cycles get worse.. And almost every major episode i’ve had.. has hit around april to June..

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“Consider This”
ANNA NALICK

I’ve tripped again and things are starting to get interesting
Don’t give me choices cause I can’t decide
My mind is soaked in words
I’ve come to terms with all my insecurities
And purity’s no friend of mine

And dreaming doesn’t do no good
Cause I don’t wanna lie
That I’m okay and I’m alright
I’d rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I’ll start another fight
And you’ll say its all alright
I’ll wait for the day when you find I’m too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don’t bother wasting your time if you’re trying to change me

You’re kinda cool but I know better than to break the rules
Of messin’ with a lesson that I’ll never learn
I’ll go from bad to worse and later back to better
But I’ll never better bridges that I’m bent to burn

And dreaming doesn’t do no good
Cause I don’t wanna lie
That I’m okay and I’m alright
I’d rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I’ll start another fight
And you’ll say its all alright
I’ll wait for the day when you find I’m too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don’t bother wasting your time if you’re trying to change me

This is a warning
This is a warning
This is a warning

And dreaming doesn’t do no good
Cause I don’t wanna lie
That I’m okay and I’m alright
I’d rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I’ll start another fight
And you’ll say its all alright
I’ll wait for the day when you find I’m too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don’t bother wasting your time if you’re trying to change me
If you’re trying to change me
If you’re trying to change me

I am.. I keep discovering things about myself. The same things over and over again and its getting me no where.. Really.. It is.. Its like being in a maze and having to pee really bad.. Only you cant find the exit.. No instead you just walk in circles over and over again.. That’s really what I’m feeling.

I’m restless.. Can’t sit still. Agitated.. Aggravated.. Etc.. IT comes in spurts.. Cant sleep.. All I do is sleep.. etc.. And the headaches.. Does anyone else get headaches when they get like this? I think its the stress and anxiety and aggravation.. gee.. I wonder..

I’ve been blowing money like its growing on trees.. I am normally count my pennies.. And when I do spend money.. Its damn sure not on me but on Everyone BUT me.. But.. I bet in the last month I’ve spent 500 bucks just to spend it.. Lets see..I bought a new cell.. Needed it so i could give my hubby mine since he broke his.. it was me or him.. I chose me.. ha.. anyhow.. And I bought new clothes, shoes, a fry thing for the kitchen.. Keep in mind.. I don’t eat fried food.. Nor do i like to fry anything.. the grease is gross and sticks to everything.. Lets see.. I bought paint for the kitchen, a new hair straightener.. Dyed my hair black. Bought the kids some new outfits. Then bought me a new necklace, earrings, bracelets, shoes(yeah i know i said that but i bought more), a purse, some make up (which i don’t wear) we ate out alot this past week. More clothes.. I bought some Tupperware, a new shower curtain a movie and some other stuff..Lucky for me.. We had the money.. Instead of bouncing checks and all that jazz.. But I’ll be kicking myself in a day or two and trying to figure out how to repair the damage.. WTF was I thinking??????????????

Hubby will be asking soon about it.. He’s noticed the packages arriving.. He’s noticed the new clothes.. Although he told me I needed new clothes and didn’t say a word.. But at the same time he is so quick to remind me that HE works and I do not so needless to say he makes the money and I don’t.. so its his money and not mine.. I think the fuck head could use a dose of reality and realize that he gets off at 5pm and me.. what time do i get off? You guessed it.. I DONT GET OFF MY JOB IS 24/7.. Ha..!

Anyhow.. This whole his money not mine thing.. Is really starting to eat at me.. His money.. his money his money his money.. It reminds me.. I want to work.. I’m so freaking sick of being at home.. Now all you who are going to say,” YOU HAVE KIDS AND SHOULD FEEL LUCKY YOU CAN STAY AT HOME” I’d be quick to tell you to kiss my ass but I wont because that would be rude.. I’ve been at home for the last 7 years.. I’ve devoted my time to my kids.. I see that their needs are met and their wants when reasonable are met.. Truth is.. I don’t stay home because I can.. I stay home because I have no other choice.. Its cheaper for me to stay home.. We’d never make it if I worked.. We’d be in the hole big time.. Its not reasonable to think we could make it if i worked and pay daycare.. What would the point be? I’ve been craving a work atmosphere for a long time now..

I always loved working. I enjoyed the work. I like feeling accomplished.. I don’t feel that way staying home.. My kids are life.. They don’t make me feel accomplished.. Its just natural for me to take care of them and care for them and be there for them and be their care takers and mold them and raise them and make them good people.. That’s natural. It doesn’t feel like something that is an accomplishment to me.. It feels like something I do because I love them and they are part of me.. It doesn’t feel like I excel at it.. I think some people probably have their jaw dropping because for some people.. Those Lil people they raise.. Do make them feel like that.. I’m sorry.. I wish it was that way for me.. For me.. My kids are my world.. I love them more than anyone or anything else.. They are my FIRST priority and ALWAYS will be.. But its just natural for them.. While being a parent is the most difficult thing in the world and every day its something different with them.. I still need something to make me more than just their parent.. Because I’m more than that.. I’m more than Just a mom.. And I need that other part of me to accomplish something. To make me feel whole..

I don’t like feeling like this isn’t enough. It makes the craving to run away even more fierce. I just want to get out of this house and feel like I’m contributing more.. Because frankly.. I’m a horrible horrible house keeper.. dread every aspect of it.. Hate it with a passion.. I suck at it to be 100% honest.. I feel like its suffocating me.. I’d give anything to be back in the work force.. Working for something..

people around here.. They think I’m nothing.. I’m just a mom.. They don’t have to respect me because i’m not a breadwinner. I do not contribute to their ideas of what someone who deserves respect does.. I’m just so and so’s mom or so and so’s wife.. I’m just a house wife.. Which I know.. They couldn’t do what I do.. I can barely hang and do what I do.. I believe I can do it all.. If only I could afford to do it all.. I’ve only got 4 more years before I can go back to work.. And I’m counting down the minutes.. I’m so tired of feeling like this.. Like the walls are closing in on me..