Feeling doomed????
Posted by ivy | Under About Me Sunday Apr 1, 2007I am.. I keep discovering things about myself. The same things over and over again and its getting me no where.. Really.. It is.. Its like being in a maze and having to pee really bad.. Only you cant find the exit.. No instead you just walk in circles over and over again.. That’s really what I’m feeling.
I’m restless.. Can’t sit still. Agitated.. Aggravated.. Etc.. IT comes in spurts.. Cant sleep.. All I do is sleep.. etc.. And the headaches.. Does anyone else get headaches when they get like this? I think its the stress and anxiety and aggravation.. gee.. I wonder..
I’ve been blowing money like its growing on trees.. I am normally count my pennies.. And when I do spend money.. Its damn sure not on me but on Everyone BUT me.. But.. I bet in the last month I’ve spent 500 bucks just to spend it.. Lets see..I bought a new cell.. Needed it so i could give my hubby mine since he broke his.. it was me or him.. I chose me.. ha.. anyhow.. And I bought new clothes, shoes, a fry thing for the kitchen.. Keep in mind.. I don’t eat fried food.. Nor do i like to fry anything.. the grease is gross and sticks to everything.. Lets see.. I bought paint for the kitchen, a new hair straightener.. Dyed my hair black. Bought the kids some new outfits. Then bought me a new necklace, earrings, bracelets, shoes(yeah i know i said that but i bought more), a purse, some make up (which i don’t wear) we ate out alot this past week. More clothes.. I bought some Tupperware, a new shower curtain a movie and some other stuff..Lucky for me.. We had the money.. Instead of bouncing checks and all that jazz.. But I’ll be kicking myself in a day or two and trying to figure out how to repair the damage.. WTF was I thinking??????????????
Hubby will be asking soon about it.. He’s noticed the packages arriving.. He’s noticed the new clothes.. Although he told me I needed new clothes and didn’t say a word.. But at the same time he is so quick to remind me that HE works and I do not so needless to say he makes the money and I don’t.. so its his money and not mine.. I think the fuck head could use a dose of reality and realize that he gets off at 5pm and me.. what time do i get off? You guessed it.. I DONT GET OFF MY JOB IS 24/7.. Ha..!
Anyhow.. This whole his money not mine thing.. Is really starting to eat at me.. His money.. his money his money his money.. It reminds me.. I want to work.. I’m so freaking sick of being at home.. Now all you who are going to say,” YOU HAVE KIDS AND SHOULD FEEL LUCKY YOU CAN STAY AT HOME” I’d be quick to tell you to kiss my ass but I wont because that would be rude.. I’ve been at home for the last 7 years.. I’ve devoted my time to my kids.. I see that their needs are met and their wants when reasonable are met.. Truth is.. I don’t stay home because I can.. I stay home because I have no other choice.. Its cheaper for me to stay home.. We’d never make it if I worked.. We’d be in the hole big time.. Its not reasonable to think we could make it if i worked and pay daycare.. What would the point be? I’ve been craving a work atmosphere for a long time now..
I always loved working. I enjoyed the work. I like feeling accomplished.. I don’t feel that way staying home.. My kids are life.. They don’t make me feel accomplished.. Its just natural for me to take care of them and care for them and be there for them and be their care takers and mold them and raise them and make them good people.. That’s natural. It doesn’t feel like something that is an accomplishment to me.. It feels like something I do because I love them and they are part of me.. It doesn’t feel like I excel at it.. I think some people probably have their jaw dropping because for some people.. Those Lil people they raise.. Do make them feel like that.. I’m sorry.. I wish it was that way for me.. For me.. My kids are my world.. I love them more than anyone or anything else.. They are my FIRST priority and ALWAYS will be.. But its just natural for them.. While being a parent is the most difficult thing in the world and every day its something different with them.. I still need something to make me more than just their parent.. Because I’m more than that.. I’m more than Just a mom.. And I need that other part of me to accomplish something. To make me feel whole..
I don’t like feeling like this isn’t enough. It makes the craving to run away even more fierce. I just want to get out of this house and feel like I’m contributing more.. Because frankly.. I’m a horrible horrible house keeper.. dread every aspect of it.. Hate it with a passion.. I suck at it to be 100% honest.. I feel like its suffocating me.. I’d give anything to be back in the work force.. Working for something..
people around here.. They think I’m nothing.. I’m just a mom.. They don’t have to respect me because i’m not a breadwinner. I do not contribute to their ideas of what someone who deserves respect does.. I’m just so and so’s mom or so and so’s wife.. I’m just a house wife.. Which I know.. They couldn’t do what I do.. I can barely hang and do what I do.. I believe I can do it all.. If only I could afford to do it all.. I’ve only got 4 more years before I can go back to work.. And I’m counting down the minutes.. I’m so tired of feeling like this.. Like the walls are closing in on me..
Ivy…no, I’m not thinking “you’re so lucky you get to stay home…”. While yes, your situation is ideal for the kids, it’s hard to feel dependent on someone so completely. But you know…YOU take care of HIS kids so he can go to work and make money, so that money is yours too. Not that he’ll ever see it that way, though. It’s so selfish, and I know how much you love your husband, so please don’t think I’m bashing him. I’m only speaking of friends I have in similar situations that don’t feel like they’re contributing to the household income and feel the same as you. And yes, their husbands remind them of it TOO. Why do they have to be such jerks? Believe it or not, I get it, too, because my fiance makes 4 times more than me.
Oh no, no, no, no, no. You staying at home is your job and his income is the household income and yours too. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to stay at home as his job, while you went back to work.
hi there,
just checking in after returning from a week away on vacation.
bravo. brave post. just being pregnant with the first (and only ) one, i really admire you for speaking out about your struggles. not having any experience at mothering beyond mothering a dog and a growing little one in my belly (which is scary enough and complicated even before the kid emerges), i can’t say much that comes from any knowledge, but it sounds like your struggles are more than about money and contributing and part of it is doing something for yourself so i wish you had some time to explore that for yourself. it sounds like the most important and difficult commodity in your life is TIME especailly having your own time and space for you… i’m betting that will be something i’ll be very focused on in about 5 months!