Shot down..
Posted by ivy | Under Ivy Unleashed Tuesday Apr 10, 2007Grr.. Grr.. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHITTTTTTTTTTTT DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn F&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK…. Okay hide your eyes if you dont like it.. Its my blog and i’m in a bad mood what do you expect??????? It could be alot worse.. I promise..
I tried to go to the dr this morning.. I mustered up every cell in my body and every ounce of courage and tried to go to the dr. I got dressed in jeans and a shirt even put a bra on and brushed my teeth to go to the dr.. I still looked like ive been ran over but damn it I went! It takes about 2 months to get an appt they have walk in hours but you MUST be there at 7:30 am.. I was there before they opened the door at 7:30.. They couldnt see me! The dr was double booked and leaving at noon to go out of town.. I said LOOK, I’m manic.. I have been for awhile now. I havent slept in a very long time for more than 2 hours.. I can’t function. I got lost on teh way to the drs office on friday. I cant do anything!!!!!!!! I need something..
They suggested I go to the other office an hour away.. I couldnt drive 30 minutes to beaumont.. How the hell was I going to drive an hour??????????????? I can’t function to make dinner.. Much less drive an hour away.. I can’t remember what day it is.. Much less drive an hour away!!!!!!! So the nurse was really concerned.. She did look honestly truly concerned.. But her hands were tied.. So they want me to come back in the morning. they hve promised if I get there at 7:30 I WILL be seen.. Only my dr wont be there.. as she will be out of town.. I’ll have to see who ever is going to be filing in for her.. Could they tell me who it was? No.. its just going to be some poor slum they pulled off thes treet.. No really its going to be someone from their office an hour away but jeeze.. they dont know who?????????
See here is the problem.. I have to be seen.. I havent slept more than 2-3 hours in a very long time.. I did manage to pass out one weekend total and sleep all freaking weekend.. I was sick but I dont remember when that was.. I can’t get over the paranoia.. Its bad.. Im so agitated and aggravated and pissed off I cant function. And no not at the drs office just because.. I can’t function.. Did I mention I cant even cook dinner because I can’t concentrate long enough? I forget what im doing mid way.. I burned dinner the other day.. That was fucking lovely.. SO i havent cooked in a lil while..
I feel high as a freaking kite only I havent taken shit or smoked shit in a very long time.. My head has been on cloud 9 for a long time now.. And its not getting better..I thought it was till I woke up out of this world after 2 hours of sleep last night.. Its the strangest feeling. i feel like my head is sitting on top of my neck (no really duh? ) and is going to fall off and roll down my arm.. Its a really odd messed up feeling.. One I dont care to experience any longer.. i can’t slow down. I can’t sleep. The second I lay down.. My mind starts writing freaking novels.. I cant describe it.. I’m sure someone out there knows what imt alking about.. but if I had been ble to put it on paper.. I’d be rich by now.. or in a psych ward for the way my mind works and wanders..
You know.. When I was 17 it was okay to be high.. It felt good to be high.. After weeks upon weeks of feeling high as a kite.. I DONT WANT TO BE HIGH EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m over it.. I’m so far over this feeling. i feel like i’ve smoked a pound of hash and i’m stoned out of my mind.. However i havent smoked shit.. Or taken shit for that matter.. Did I mention i’m irritable? I’m biting everyones head off.. ic ant take any noise.. I want the tv off.. I want the kids quiet.. I want everyone to be quiet.. Noise sets me off.. My floor needs vaccumed so bad right now but the noise is like nails on a chalk board and I want to rip the cord out of the wall and smash it into a thousand pieces.. When people talk to me.. All I hear is chatter.. almost like a buzzing sound.. I cant focus long enough to hear what they are saying. Right now.. The computer screen is a blur but I can type.. Some I think anyhow.. Im sure some of this will make some sense and later i’ll either edit it when i can focus or delete it..
If things would just slow down and let me pass out i’d be okay.. if i dont get sleep soon.. i’m going to end up in teh one place I dont want to end up. The mental ward.. I can’t keep on like this.. On teh way to the kids drs office on friday.. I got lost.. I’ve been there 10,000 times.. I know how to get there.. I knew where I was going but suddenly.. NOTHING looked familiar and I got scared and started freaking out.. It took me a few minutes to realize I was where I needed to be.. But i couldnt seem to accept that everything was okay.. So I cant do this anymore.. They have to fix this and they have to fix it soon before I go postal..
Be back to “normal” soon.. I promise..
Desperately needing sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hi there. wow, that’s tough what you’re going through. it’s terrible that you went to the doctor and did not get any help. when i feel that way i can call my pdoc and leave an urgent message with him and he will get me in his office right away and prescribe something if i don’t already have it. i can’t remember if you’ve talked about your meds, but after you get the meds you need, i think it’s good to have a plan for such crisis/emergencies. once you have some kind of medication that helps dampen the mania, it’s good to know that when it comes on you can take a certain amount extra. that’s what i would do with my seroquel.
anyway i will be thinking of you and hoping you get some help. there’s no excuse for these people sending you elsewhere in your state of mind.
If things get too bad, go to the emergency room. You’ll get instant assistance, which is more than you’ve been able to get so far. Best of luck while you work hrough this.