Ivy Tied Up |

Okay so maybe im a horrible person. I can’t understand it at all.. I don’t know how to make that stop. Dh is trying.. over and over again he is trying.. Me.. I JUST WANT HIM TO LEAVE ME ALONE… Its too much.. Okay so i’m never satisfied.. I dont know how to solve that.. He is smothering me.. I can’t take it.. I can’t breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!

He says ,”what you dont love me anymore” I cant even give him that.. I say,”sometimes” and thats it.. i’m cold.. careless.. Its like im floating outside my body and I see myself say the words and the expression on my face and its mean.. Its cold.. and I cant help it.. I see/ hear it but I dont stop it.. What the hell is wrong with me? How can I be so careless and mean.. So cruel? Part of me cares.. its a very small part mind you.. He calls.. And he checks on me.. and he says,”i love you” i say,”bye” he says,”I love you”.. I say,”bye” and hang up.. I want him to leave.. but if he ever does.. It will hurt and i’ll cry.. I think..

I’ve tried to divorce him many times.. I’ve told him I hated him.. Refuse to tell him I love him.. yet he says,”no you dont”.. and wont give me a divorce easily.. why not? What would I do if he did? I dont know really.. Im pretty cruel I know.. Now alot of it.. doesnt go unwarranted.. He deserves atleast half of what he gets.. The past is proof.. He deserves atleast half.. But not all..

I grew up with my mom doing my dad the same way.. Not only did she do my dad that way but me as well.. Rarely did she do my sister like that but thats another story for another day. But she spent atleast 16 years being hateful to both my dad and I… She’d go out of her way to make my dad miserable.. He put up with it for awhile. now that i’m grown. Alot of things have come out. Alot of things I didnt know about as a kid.. So some was warranted but certainly not all and im not sure i’d say half (maybe i’m a daddy’s girl i dunno). but I see alot of my mom in me and its scary.. They separated on and off through out the years.. I dont remember any of them until I was 18 and my dad moved out.. Even now they are still together and have separated many times in the last 9 years.. my mom can be a cold, heartless, cruel person. Hate you when she has you and want you or need you like mad when you walk away.. Her and my dad keep dancing the same dance and he refuses to give up on her.. Why.. I dunno.. i havent figured that out yet.. Maybe tis the same reason I havent ever given up on her no matter how cruel she was.. Maybe its because every time its REALLY counted and that we’ve REALLY needed her.. She was there.. She’ll bend over backwards and help alot of people out there.. but she’ll be a bitch while doing it.. You’ll swear she hates your guts while she is helping you out.. So why knowing all I know about her and how I swore i’d never turn out like her.. Why can’t I stop myself from being her? I dont want to dance.. I dont want to play this game.

im not exactly like her.. I’m not bitter and I dont hate hte world.. My only problem is with my husband.. Her problem was with just about everyone.. She just put most of her anger and hostility and resentment towards me and my dad.. I just dont know why i do the things I do.. When i’m doing them.. i dont care. and its not really what i do as how i act towards him and what I say.. because really I do not DO anything wrong.. Im just mean, i say and act horribly.. And even knowing this.. If he wakes me up in the morning like he did this morning.. I’ll go off on him.. He’ll say ,”i love you and i’ll say i hate you” and walk off like its nothing.. I wont even blink or bat and eye lash.. I wont have a second thought about saying it.. not until at night when i’m writing.. Why the hell does he stick around? I dont want to be around.. why does he?