Ivy Tied Up |

It gets ugly.. I don’t think people realize the impact lies can have on someones life. Some one’s future. Or maybe they do. Maybe thats what they want. Such a severe impact that it follows them for the rest of their lives and constantly bites them in the ass..

When people lie to cause someone that much pain I have to believe in Karma.. What goes around will eventually come around. When people lie to get someone in so much trouble that it causes their world to crash and be thrown upside down, I have to believe that person who caused the damage is going to in the end get hers. She has to when she is only trying to hurt people.

Why anyone would want to hurt people this severely is beyond me. But I’ve known her since I was a kid and it is her history. A small part of me doesn’t fault her because a VERY small part of me knows where she is coming from. Hurt them so they can’t hurt you and leave you with nothing. now I did say a VERY small part of me that is.. I don’t believe in lying to better yourself. I don’t believe in lying period. In the end. Lies always come back to haunt you. You have to lie again to save the first lie. Then others get involved and its a never ending circle. And when you hold someones life in your hands like she does.. The price will be high for her lies.

I’m so over all this drama.. I”m told to be supportive yet i’m not allowed to have an opinion or say anything. I’m told to hush and sit back quietly but I have to be supportive too. I dont know if I want to. I dont know if I want to stand up and stand quietly. I don’t know if its worth it. I just want to walk away. I can’t take anymore family drama. It seems to follow me everywhere I go. I dont even have to open my mouth and its there.. Like a lion on its prey. Its waiting on me at every turn. I can’t escape it. Its going to swallow me whole.

My husband is running around trying to dope me up on xanax… Scared im going to flip out.. Honestly.. I’M FINE! I don’t feel anything though. I should be upset and angry. But im not.. Although this person’s lies has my future in her hands and my families future in her hands. I should be raging mad.. But i’m not. She has the ability to destroy my life and i’m not mad.. She wont recant though and tell the truth because then she’ll be arrested and charged with making a false statement to police officers.. So no chance of that.. We’ll end up in court..

This is going to cost us a ton of money. Money we dont have.. So that just adds to hubby’s opinion i need to be doped up on xanax to prevent a freak out.. I am fine.. My nerves are fine.. He says,”you havent spoken two words” no I havent.. not in a few days. I asked him what he wanted me to say.. He said,”talk to me” I said,”what do you want from me” he said to talk to me.. I said ,”i have nothing to say”.. He then continues I need to take something. I really don’t.. I’m fine. Normally i’m a very vengeful person. If someone screws me.. I’ll make sure they don’t ever do it again.. I’ll be out to hurt them and make sure they know exactly who they fucked with.. I don’t feel that right now..

I dont feel anything right now. Maybe that should be scary.. maybe it is a little bit. At least when there is emotion you know something is going on and you wont “blow up” eventually.. maybe thats what he is scared of happening. But right now.. I’m fine.. If eel calm.. I feel fine. I’m not angry and I should be.. i have every right to be.. MY future.. MY KIDS Futures.. Are all on the line right now.. All because one stupid idiot’s lust for revenge against a family member.. She decided not only was she going to drag him down. But she’d drag us down, my inlaws down and the whole entire family.. She is working hard on it too.

So hubby thinks i need xanax to survive this.. Thing is.. I dont need anything. I dont have anything to say because i’m dealing with inner demons. I’m trying to figure out if I want to fight this fight. Yeah I probably seem a bit chicken shit. When the tough gets going.. Ivy runs.. its not like that though. The truth is.. I’ve had all I can take. The drama with this family never ends. And I dont know if i’m willing to do it anymore. If i’m willing to take it on anymore and be the supportive “_______”’s wife.. If i’m willing to sit quietly in my corner and deal with their shit insisting I not have a voice anymore. I wont have a choice.. I wont get to have my voice or opinion heard no matter how loud I speak. It affects me but my opinion isnt noted or even cared about. So why should I fight in this? Why should I stick around and give a damn? WHY am i suppose to care? It’s not my fight. I’m tired of fighting for my right to survive this family.

Is the drama following me? or is it them?? I really dont know!
But I know when someone lies to make themselves better off in the future and hurt those she wishes to squash.. I know it can turn your entire life upside down and the burden is on you to prove you are innocent not her to prove you arent..

Whats going on. You know maybe its the constant non stop going and drama lately. BUT I’ve been sleeping EVERY NIGHT. So why are things acting up again? I feel desolate inside. I dont understand it. I’ve handled the stress of the last few weeks okay. I’ve stayed away from big stress triggers. Drunken woman keeps calling but i’ve avoided her and spelled it out that I am NOT babysitting. I haven’t been fighting with dh or anyone else.. But suddenly i’m consumed with rage, i’m tired, I’m tearful and upset. All of this is changing of course several times a day. Yet all this while feeling totally empty inside and still wanting to pull my hair out AGAIN.. I got over the last “episode” and now i’m back there again ALREADY..

I must admit. This happens to me this time of year. I dont understand it.. But this time of year EVERY year I start going up and down a lot.. I need to go see the Pdoc.. But I can’t afford it right now.. At all.. The rest of the year I dont tend to cycle this fast.. I dont think anyhow..

I’m just so upset right now and I dont know why. I can’t talk to anyone about it.. THey just look at me like whatever. Most of all I just want to go somewhere.. Away from everyone.. blech.

And the kids are out of school for the summer now. Which puts more stress on me. All 4 home and 3 of them fighting NON STOP. THe last day of school was yesterday. I did the good mom thing and went to the different schools and managed to make it in time to everything and not lose my grip infront of everyone. Came close but I managed to hold on. by 4pm I was dragging yesterday. The baby was too.. How will I ever survive the summer with all of them home? I wish I had the money to let them do camp or something.. Its exhausting.. I wanna cry. How horrible is that??????????? I want to cry because all of them are home? Parents do it all the time so why should I be upset that all 4 are home? Thats so not a nice thing to say!!!!!!!!!

**update.. I made a pdoc appt.. finally.. Can’t go till the end of june though!!!!!!!!!

Is starting to drag me down.. I need a new one.. Only.. i’ve no gumption right now.. I need a pick me up for some creativity..

I feel like crying and I dont know why!
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
And cause something some pain..

I feel like crying and I still dont know why!
Its getting worse and more intense
I hate nights like tonight.

I feel like crying and dont know why
Its eating at me
i’m losing my mind

I think I might throw up.

I HATE NIGHTS LIKE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate it when i’m the only one up. No one is there.. its 1:30 am.. EVERYONE is asleep but me.. I can’t sleep.. Instead i feel like pulling my hair out and screaming and stomping my feet and screaming.. My fuse is short tonight..

I posed the question

If you could go back in your life and relive just 2 minutes of it.. What part would you go back to and would you do anything differently? Remember.. those 2 minutes.. Can change your entire future..

In This post.

And promised my answer later..
I’ve thought and thought about this answer.. My first instinct was to say the 1 minute and 58 seconds I stood before the JP considering if I was going to say “I do” or not and then of course the 2 seconds I spent saying “yes” instead of ” I do” because I couldnt make the words come out. At first I thought that would be my answer. Simple enough. I’d take that time back and i’d have run as fast as I could in the other direction right? WRONG! Considering that those 2 minutes would change my entire future.. I couldnt take them back

Read the rest of this entry »

Time that is???????????????????????

I can’t believe its mothers day weekend already.. That means in less than 2 weeks the kids are out of school for the summer.. Then that means a few short weeks after that is Diva’s bday!! She will be 8.. Wyatt will be 1 in a few months!!!!!!!!!! 8 months already!

How depressing.. He is almost a year old and i’ve yet to lose more weight.. (working on it though..its a work in progress) He is something else! Right now he is sitting on the couch looking at me playing with the caller ID box trying to throw it off the couch.. Every time I tell him NO! he starts screaming like I hurt him.. You know because not letting them throw things really is hurting them.. Its the meanest thing in the world you can do to a 8 month old lil boy.. Tell him no and you ruin his world! He likes to tell you no too.. and is biting everything that he can get near his mouth.. He has a tooth.. Did i tell ya?????????? He is cutting another one.. He is completely rotten!

Drunken lady has called me several times this week wanting me to babysit.. I said no each time and when I didnt answer she kept calling.. She got mad at me (Yes literally) because i refused to babysit for her this week.. Im not sick but I have a horrible cough that has taken my voice from me and every time I try to talk I start coughing so hard that I throw up.. I cant watch her kid like that! I wouldn’t want someone watching mine like that! She said,”Well were are your kids at” um they are here but they are MY kids.. Then this am.. at the bus stop.. She asks if her son can wait with us for the bus.. Her husband was carrying her to houston to the dr.. i said fine.. when her son got in my car he says,”my mom is going to the dr in houston, she has a problem. She drinks too much and needs help” at that moment.. I felt many many things.. 1. ANGER!!! No 6 year old needs to deal with his MOTHERS drinking problem!!!!

Read the rest of this entry »

Update on teh situation posted before…. I”m staying out of it.. I can not handle the crap.. Those people are going to dish out.. I feel sorry for the kids becuase I know this is NOT going to be the end of it. What I think will happen: She’ll claim she is sober and going to stay that way. She will come “home” she will be drunk in less than a week blowing what little money they have on beer and driving around with her daughter in the car.. Then someone will have to report it to police.. Anyhow thats all a big if.. They’ll fight again when she runs off again and it will continue on. My take on teh situation. This isnt the first time and it wont be the last.. I will NOT get involved in their dysfunction. i’ve got enough dysfunction in my own family. I dont need more.. The husband called me monday.. He had the lil boy.. (because the wife’s sister decided she didnt want him and was going to call the state to come get him..) he asked me if i could watch him on tuesday and wed after school. I told him.. I’m sorry but I can’t. He was really nicea bout it and said he understood.. However the boys mom would have been rude and acted like I was doign something wrong by saying no..

Now my question!!!

If you could go back in your life and relive just 2 minutes of it.. What part would you go back to and would you do anything differently? Remember.. those 2 minutes.. Can change your entire future..

I’ll write my answer later..