I dont know
Posted by ivy | Under Ivy Unleashed Friday May 25, 2007Whats going on. You know maybe its the constant non stop going and drama lately. BUT I’ve been sleeping EVERY NIGHT. So why are things acting up again? I feel desolate inside. I dont understand it. I’ve handled the stress of the last few weeks okay. I’ve stayed away from big stress triggers. Drunken woman keeps calling but i’ve avoided her and spelled it out that I am NOT babysitting. I haven’t been fighting with dh or anyone else.. But suddenly i’m consumed with rage, i’m tired, I’m tearful and upset. All of this is changing of course several times a day. Yet all this while feeling totally empty inside and still wanting to pull my hair out AGAIN.. I got over the last “episode” and now i’m back there again ALREADY..
I must admit. This happens to me this time of year. I dont understand it.. But this time of year EVERY year I start going up and down a lot.. I need to go see the Pdoc.. But I can’t afford it right now.. At all.. The rest of the year I dont tend to cycle this fast.. I dont think anyhow..
I’m just so upset right now and I dont know why. I can’t talk to anyone about it.. THey just look at me like whatever. Most of all I just want to go somewhere.. Away from everyone.. blech.
And the kids are out of school for the summer now. Which puts more stress on me. All 4 home and 3 of them fighting NON STOP. THe last day of school was yesterday. I did the good mom thing and went to the different schools and managed to make it in time to everything and not lose my grip infront of everyone. Came close but I managed to hold on. by 4pm I was dragging yesterday. The baby was too.. How will I ever survive the summer with all of them home? I wish I had the money to let them do camp or something.. Its exhausting.. I wanna cry. How horrible is that??????????? I want to cry because all of them are home? Parents do it all the time so why should I be upset that all 4 are home? Thats so not a nice thing to say!!!!!!!!!
**update.. I made a pdoc appt.. finally.. Can’t go till the end of june though!!!!!!!!!
Wow! 4 kids at home all the time! That’s a lot of stress, even though I know you love them DEARLY! Do you have caller id? Can you tell when drunken woman is calling and just not pick up? I hate to say this, but I only pick up my phone for people on my “speed dial”. June isn’t SO far away…at least it gives you some hope that perhaps relief is coming soon?
I just want to reach out and hug the dickens out of you Ivy! Have you tried going to the state for help with your meds? I know that in my case it has been pride that kept me away, but then I realized that sometimes you just have to ask for help. Maybe you can ask your Pdoc to give you a referral for the state… so they can help with the price of all of it. If I was closer I would help with the kids too… maybe you can check with your church to see if they have a Mommies day out program. That would at least give you some relief. Hugsssss darlin.
I am so glad you got an appointment (even if it isn’t as soon as you would prefer). I’ve been in the same boat you’re describing for several weeks now, and I go in on the 11th.
Take care,
K.
Hi. Thanks for coming by my blog and commenting. I had to come read yours. I like it alot. The layout is really pretty.
About your post:
I get crazier during the summer months, too. It’s harder to keep focus on being something else. I hate not feeling, but sometimes I get numb. I can’t even get an appointment yet because the doctor STILL haven’t finished processing other patients. I just updated my journal about that, though. Anyway, here is a CyberHug for you. Hope you can get to feeling less like a rollercoaster ride.