Ivy Tied Up |

So I had a shrink appt yesterday.. It actually went well.. I was completely honest with him and for the first time ever had a decent conversation with a shrink and didnt mind it so much. He told me alot of what I already knew and very little of what I didnt.. He said I have trust issues, control issues and needed to let go of some things. Of course I knew I had those issues.. but when he asked me for a plan to let go of things.. I laughed.. I dont knwo how to let go of my trust issues or my control. I cant let go of my control. And I cant let go of the past.. I’ve tried.. I dont know how.. And I dont know how to bring the walls down that i’ve spent years building up.. But he said we’d work on that.. He put me on risperdal. and since $ is an issue.. He said he’d cut back on his office visit fees for me.. WOO HOO!

he said a big part of this is accepting that this is part of who I am and that i’ll always have this. BUT that it doesnt have to be a bad part of me. That I have to choose how to handle it. He agreed with every other dr i’ve seen.. I’m bipolar…lol no big surprise there.. However.. He agreed with me.. 100% I do not require antidepressants and when my other dr was putting me on them it was only making me worse.. The other dr insisted that they were not making me worse. That I infact needed a stronger dosage.. I was NOT depressed! I was manic! So anyhow thats a small update.. I’m still trying to absorb everything that was said..
Do you guys do that? After an appt.. Take a while to take in everything that was discussed? and keep going over it in your head?

I had made a stupid error in my coding that messed up commenting.. Error is fixed.. Comments should work..

My sister. Now here I give you permission to tell me i’m a selfish twit. That I have no right to feel the way I do. That would really make me feel better.. Honestly.. Tell me that I should keep my trap shut and buck up and stop being such a selfish brat that her child just was diagnosed with cancer. Thats hard on a parent! No parent should have to go through that..

I totally believe no parent should ever have to go through that. No parent should have that burden and no child should ever have to be so sick.

Now why am I upset. Other than the obvious that my nephew has cancer and has to go through Chemo..

Lets see..

1. Wed.. When I found out something was wrong with my nephew and that it might be cancer. I found out from my mom. Thats fine.. huh.. Well later I find out that all my sisters friends knew before I did. They all knew that there was even a potential problem and that they were going to houston to have tests run and see the drs there.. I didnt even know he had a lump! I live 15 minutes from my sister.. I didnt know.. Her friends in Dallas knew.. Her friends at work knew..

Okay I got over that.. For the most part..

2. Friday I find out on MYSPACE that the cancer hasnt spread.. She didnt even call me. She made a myspace bulletin and thats how I found out.. She couldnt take 2 freaking minutes to include me and say,Hey the cancer hasnt spread. Instead i’m lumped in with all the people she might talk to once a year.. YET she damn sure called her friends..

Pardon me.. But I thought family was important.. I thought it was the backbone. I thought it was supposed to come first.. Anytime anything important has ever gone on with my kids her and my mother are the first to know. They are the first ones on my call list. So how is it that I mean so little to her that i’m the LAST to know everything with her? It doesnt matter what it is.. I’m always last. ALWAYS.. I understand she just found otu her son has cancer.. And thats a very traumatic thing. But I know if it was my child.. I’d be going to my family first..

The history with her just makes it worse. When is it okay to cut someone out of your life who hurts you time and time again? Who always puts you last no matter how important or trivial it is? I was put last when she got married too.. I was given garbage detail while everyone was taking family pictures.. Did I mention.. Her wedding pictures.. Her friends are in them.. My family is in them.. Her husbands family is in them.. Who is missing? Me! I was sent to do trivial chores while she enjoyed her friends. While her friends became her family.. I’ve been there her ENTIRE life.. I’ve picked up her pieces over and over again. YET people she has known less than 10 years were put way above me.. I was reduced to the hired help.. Only I wasn’t paid!

I’m tired of being hurt.. Over and over again by her..In order to stop that and be happy. I’ve got to change who or what she is to me.. I can not control her. But I can control the effect she has on me. Right?

Doctors appt is Thursday.. I’ve gone over it in my head a thousand times..

Its not testicular cancer. it is cancer but not testicular. Its another kind that is worse than testicular cancer. They are waiting on teh biopsy results to come back to confirm the kind of cancer it is and all the tests they ran to tell how bad it is.. They believe it was contained in the testicle and are pretty optimistic. I’ve seen what Chemo can do to an adult.. I can’t believe my nephew is going to have to go through this! They believe they caught it very early.

My 3 year old nephew had surgery today.. He has testicular cancer a rare form of.. He is only 3.. 2 weeks ago they noticed a lump while bathing him. They kept an eye on it and it got bigger theyt ook him in on tuesday to the ped.. they did tests told her they didnt know.. Sent her to houston who did more tests.. poked and prodded the baby.. Took pictures of him embarrassing the hell out of him and did surgery this morning to find out he has a rare form of cancer. We don’t know how advanced it is yet.. we’ll know more later today. He is okay. They say its treatable if they caught it early enough. He is only 3 years old.. He has to have radiation or chemo.. He is 3!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t ask alot… please keep him in your thoughts..

I’ve published and unpublished this entry 3 times since I originally wrote it… I hate doing that..

Living with the mob.. or something like it.

Okay so maybe thats a little extreme. Maybe it is.. Its not exactly the mob. But It is a little similar.. Little being the key word here.. Of course not like the mob in the movies.. The movies like a good show.. Nothing that drastic but something much more toned down and quiet and pushed under the radar and rug like.. Like the real mob only much smaller.. I think there is a “mob type” thing all over the place.. There is always a select few who seem to float under the radar, have the connections, and their own type of laws.. And there are those they have under their wings and in their control. There are always those type clans who control everyone and everything around them and you are either part of them/with them, below them, or their enemy. There is no middle ground.. You are one of those.. Thats it..

It sounds fucked up I know.. And if I didnt have the knowledge first hand or have seen it with my own two eyes.. I wouldnt believe it myself.. But I do believe its true.. There are these little groups of people everywhere.. You are either part of their family, an innocent bystander, or the enemy.. You don’t cross these people.. Once you do.. You can’t ever make it right. You can try and they’ll let you try and try and try but they’ll never trust you again and you’ll be the first person they blame if something goes wrong. You’ll also be the first person they put in the line of fire if need be.. You’ll be their scape goat.. No you dont ever cross these type of people..

Problem is.. You can’t leave these type of people either. You don’t walk away from the “family/group” If you do.. You’ll have a price on your head.. They’ll make you regret the day you were born.. Problem is.. When you become one of them.. You have parts of them… For instance… You know things you shouldn’t know. You see things you shouldnt see.. You have children that to them are THEIRS. They believe that they own you.. They believe this 100%..

When someone owns something.. They dont let it go easily.. Not when they aren’t willing too.. And if its taken from them they destroy it first.. Several reasons.. Either 1. the mentality if they can’t have it no one can..2. You don’t steal from them.. and if you are taking something they aren’t letting go of.. you are stealing from them…, 3. Because they can and thats what they do..

You hear stories like that and think only in the movies but no.. people live this for real.. it really happens.. There are people out there who really are sick twisted fucks who think they own people and have a right to live a certain way. These people don’t actually think they are above the law.. No.. They actually respect rules and “laws”.. Only they have their OWN rules and sets of laws that they live by and respect.. They believe in authority and structure and family. They have very big moral codes that they live by and expect others to live by and when you dont.. then there is a problem.. These people are very much about respect, morals, laws, rules, etc. THEIR RULES, LAWS, MORALS, Etc.. And don’t you dare cross them..

If you cross one person in their “family” you cross them all.. Don’t ever make that mistake.. I’ve seen how fast the pack moves and how quiet they are.. I know how fast they can put something together to bring you down.. I’ve seen how they work together.. And how many times i’ve been on a need to know basis.. I’ve spent most of my adult life on a need to know basis.. Its gotten old.. Very old.. Anyhow. I’ve seen chaos and destruction and i’ve been warned…

When you marry into this type of family.. Its not easy to get out… I’ve never seen anyone make it out and not be destroyed. I’ve seen them try. But they were destroyed in the process.. Brought down to nothing with nothing. And i’m sure people shake their head and think i’m insane but i’m not.. This isnt the movies.. This is real life.. You don’t just walk away..

They use the law to their advantage when it suits them. When its in their favor they are the first to call. Once the right thing is done that suits them.. Then they take matters into their own hands and while the world might know deep down who did it.. They’ll keep quiet.. Nothing will be said or done.. Because.. You just dont cross these people.. Not in a small backwoods area like where I live.. I’ve seen the law turn their eyes. I’ve seen people in higher places not even make eye contact with these men.. It is about who you know here.. And if you dont know these people.. Thats all the better for you.. if you’ve never heard their name.. WONDERFUL you want ot keep it that way because chances are.. They’ll never mess with you.. They wont have a reason to.. See while they are “known” they are also very much under the radar and thats how they want it.. They dont want their names known tot he world or the general population. But they do want it to where when in a group someone is going ot know their names and their group of people and someone is going to say,”you dont want to get involved with them”..

I wish like hell someone had told me that before i got married.. No they waited till afterwards.. Then it became,”your last name is what?” I’d answer and they’d say,”your FIL is ________ ” i’d answer yes and that was it.. they’d either ask me <’what the hell did you marry into that family for?” or they’d shut their trap and refuse to say anything else.. which was the case with the lady who came by in 2000 to collect information about the number of people living here and all that jazz.. She knew my FIL and his family.. And once she found out where she was and who I was.. She wouldnt say anything else, stopped all conversation except the poll questions and she left there as fast as she could.. I started thinking What the hell???? That was before I had a good taste of what I was dealing with..

It wasnt till middle of 2001 that I found out even a small part of what I was married into. When I had tried to leave my husband the first time.. Thats when I got a small dose of what these assholes are capable of.. And how fast they can rip you and your world apart.. And how little help outside this clan there is.. Because as said before.. Once you become part of them.. They own you.. And if you have “their kids” its worse.. Dont ever think you will take whats theirs from them and come out okay.. It wont happen.. I’ve yet to see anyone who has come out and been okay..

I live in a world of need to know.. Its gotten worse and worse.. Some days I dont even speak to the assholes around me. I’m seen not heard.. I dont have a voice.. My opinion doesnt matter.. I have no voice.. Its a hard concept to comprehend that something like this can really go on. That someone can have so little ability to do something about their situation. But you don’t understand till you’ve been in the middle of it.. I wouldn’t have ever believed it until I lived it.. I wouldnt have ever imagined that this could really be a life someone lived till I had been apart of it. An outsider looking in.. wouldn’t believe it.. Till they were defeated by it…

My post a few weeks ago.. about the things that were going on that could destroy..I stated that a small part of me understood why this ladyd id what she did.. And this relates to it.. She did it to protect herself the best way she could from these people.. She thought she was protecting herself.. But she really just dug herself deeper.. As usual.. i was told don’t worry about it.. Stay out of it.. Dont worry it would all work out.. You’ll see.. Its taken care of.. don’t worry about it.. It’s being swept under the rug.. No worries.. no worries.. no worries.. Why am I not worry free? Its because I can feel the rope around my neck. Slowly choking the life out of me. I could easily become picture perfect.. One of them. I could easily mold myself into what they want me to be.. Why do I have to fight them and cause myself all this grief? Because deep down.. I”M NOT LIKE THEM. I don’t want to be like them. I can’t be like them.. I dont think its my right to go after people because of something I think I know and not something I have solid proof of.. I don’t think its my right to take the law into my own hands. I don’t think its my right to punish others because they have crossed someone I know. I dont think its right to control people and beat someone up because they owe me.. I don’t think that they are morally okay.. Matter of fact I think they are very sick twisted fucks who I hate very much.. And Had I not been diagnosed as bipolar before being a part of this fucked up clan i’d very much think that they were to blame for my issues.. But I know I was like this before hand..

I’m not someone who is physically kept here or someone who can’t go to the store, spend money, life life.. not by far.. I just can’t leave the family.. i can live my life as long as I live as part of their clan.. I dont even have to do what they want me to.. Or help them do anything. I don’t have to be apart of anything they do.. I just can’t leave hte family.. i can hate them all every day for the rest of my life.. I just can’t leave and be okay.. they will take everything I love from me if I do.. They’ve proved it before.. I’m part of their family. It doesn’t matter if I like it or want to be..

Years ago when Dh and I got together.. I was cleaning house and picked up some books to put them up and a letter fell out.. I opened it and it was a “dear john” letter from his ex.. She left him one day while he and his dad were at work.. left everything she had, had a friend pick her up and she bolted.. The letter said living here was like living in a cult.. I didn’t get it back then.. I wish like hell I had.. I really wish like hell i had.. She didnt w ant her things.. She just wanted out and away from Dh’s family.. They didnt go after her.. She had nothing that they wanted.. To them she was a drunk who meant very little.. She left everything they had ever paid for behind.

This is how fucked up this “clan” is.. They helped someone out recently. VERY Recently.. Like last week.. They put this persons stuff up in their garage and made a very loud statement to the lot of people there that helped and said,”If he ever leaves, he damn sure wont leave with ANY Of this!” And they mean it.. EVERY thing they are “housing” for him for thet ime being.. They wont let him leave with unless he is leaving and doing what they want him to.. He wont get any of it back and we are talking thousands of dollars of tools.. They wont let him touch one of them even though he worked his ass off to pay for them.. He doesnt owe them money.. He doesnt owe them anything.. But they helped him out… And unless he goes the path they want him to.. He wont touch his things again.. You should have seen them going through his stuff and taking what they wanted.. It was unreal.. Like a pack of vultures. It made me sick.. But he wont say anything to them.. He’ll eventually buy new stuff.. I’ve had a few talks with this person.. And he’ll keep his mouth shut and just buy new stuff like its nothing.. Because “its not worth it”.

he is right.. It’s not.. Its just not worth it.. Why am I sharing all of this? Hell if I know.. Chances are. They’ve got their friend who owns a pc reading my blog.. “they” dont own computers.. Besides me and their friend.. no one else in the clan owns a pc.. Not worried about the friend reading my blog.. he is just as big of a loser as they are.. And just in case he is reading it.. YES YOU ARE A LOSER!

Okay so thats something like what its like to get to my house.. You go over a bridge and through some woods… So lately it seems like Iive out in the middle of no where.. First my battles with DSL and not being able to get cable out here.. It took years to get dsl then I find out I can’t upgrade to a faster speed because they no longer offer DSL in my area.. And if I ever cancel I can never again get it back.. Oh joy!

Then there is the issue with our never ending power supply.. Our electric seems to go out everytime it rains.. It has been worse since hurricane rita because now all it takes is the wind to blow and a tree falls on the lines. If its not the power its the phone line.. Well anyhow. Today.. errr.. yesterday since its now 2 am.. Yesterday.. the electric went out and came back onw ith in minutes.. However when it came back on the lights were dim and no major appliances would work.. This was the situation for everyone on the “hill” neighborhood.. Well I was oh so lucky! It blew out my power supply on my pc.. Even though I have a surge protector it still blew out my power supply… So I have to wait till monday to get a new one.. And until then i’m stuck on my oh so slow laptop that I hate very very much.. But atleast I have it to rely on.. Watch… To get back at me for saying I hate it it will go out on me or who knows.. maybe blow up and burn my desk down.. LOL.. So not funny but hey if I can’t laugh what do I have..

Diva turns 8 on monday.. I still can’t believe it myself.. 8.. who would have thought i’d have an 8 year old.. Hell who’d have thought with her attitude she’d make it this long (ha just kidding.. any parent out there with a stubborn, hot headed, attitude full girl..will understand 100% ) Its been a long 8 years yet I can’t believe she is already 8. Makes alot of sense right? Sure it does!

More later.. Updates finished on the laptop..

Its been a REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL fun week (last week included).. Please please note the HUGE doses of sarcasm please.. Because they are screaming “CAN YOU HEAR ME”..

First.. Me and the 2 boys caught a stomach bug after diva had it over a week ago.. It was then gifted to Wyatt.. Who gifted it to me and bug.. Then Wyatt caught it again. So while we were suppose to do well visits at the drs office today we are stuck home sick and unable to leave the house. It amazes me.. The kids refuse to share anything.. but they’ll damn sure share germs!

Then my phone line keeps going down. It’s the weather knocking it out. We seem to have a bad thunderstorm every afternoon. Not a problem thats part of living in SE Texas.. Only now its pulling my phone line down with it and when the phone goes down.. The internet goes down.. Sometimes i’m lucky and my phone will go down with out pulling my dsl down.. But no.. not that lucky lately..
Not really a huge deal.. Just an annoying Pain in the ass..

A friend called me the other day and told me she is cheating on her husband. Filled me in on all the gory details that I really didnt want to know. So now I feel like im doing something wrong..I almost hope she gets caught. Her husband doesnt deserve it.. I really dont get whats going on lately.. I know a few people cheating right now..

about my last post.. Not much to update.. Waiting on the lawyer to do his thing.. Its pretty much a waiting game now.. I’m not willing to post the details here due to the fact that someone involved might come upon my blog or already know about it and it cause more problems.. But i’ll tell you.. Your worst case scenarios.. Its not that bad.. But its not the least either..

My opinion right now is that shit happens.. Just sit back and watch..

Diva turns 8 on the 18th of this month.. I can’t believe I have an 8 year old.. I really cant.. She has the attitude of a 20 year old and the fashion sense of a 13 year old..

And thank you those of you who sent me emails about my new layout! I appreciate it!