Ivy Tied Up |

for school to let back in..
My nerves are worn thin.. VERY VERY VERY thin.. Its becoming too hard to handle.. Way too hard to handle.. with the constant fighting.. These kids are driving not only each other crazy but myself as well.. I’m ready to run..far far far away..

Its been non stop going and non stop crazy.. Like a freaking circus around here. I’ve been doing my best to keep my house clean.. i do well and stay on top of it for a few days. Then things fall apart and i have to clean back up my mess.. well everyone elses mess..

I’m not sleeping well again.. well it comes and goes. I think its stress.. From the kids and the non stop going.. kids just woke up.. more later..

I’m just stopping by blog land to do an update.. Things are not chaotic like normal but a bit busy on the home front and abit slow on the net /pc front..well Since our power went out a few weeks ago.. I’ve been having issues with not only my pc but other items in my house..I’ve blown 4 power supplies in 2 weeks.. they last a few days and go out.. its not pmy pc.. but our electricity.. And before you ask.. I have surge protectors and I am running a big enough power supply and no its not too big. I will with in the next week have a battery back up for my pc.. I do not get much work done on my laptop.. I NEED my desktop.. My wireless card for my laptop.. is extremely too slow.. Its like being on dial up all over again.. Only its better than not having a connection at all.. I THINK! Ask me again when i’m pissed off and in a bad mood.. I bought the replacement part for my pc.. I just refuse to hook it up until the man i’m married to does what the electric dude told him to.. That will hopefully fix our issues.. I can see me having to hire an electrician which would be BAD because I just bought a bed and cant really afford that right now..

Speaking of which.. I”m totally excited.. My bed will be delivered on Monday.. That man i’m married to.. he cant seem to get excited over the new bed even though he has been bitching about needing one for the past 6 years..See we’ve never actually had our OWN bed.. One that was JUST used by us and no one else.. Our bed right now belonged to my GREAT grandfather.. I am just beyond happy about the new bed.. The man i’m married too.. is like whatever.. its a place to sleep and have sex.. To be completely honest.. This is the first piece of furniture we’ve ever bought! Everything else was hand me downs.. and This my friend.. Is a very very very big deal to me! Its MINE.. I picked it out.. I paid for it.. its MINE.. and its a reflection of ME!

Speaking of me.. I’m okay.. I mean really.. I’ve been okay.. Except my excessive spending.. And my irritability.. So they up’d my meds.. I feel better on them.. I did really well for about a week. I felt almost normal again.. Then the irritability was worse.. and I became a bit unstable.. I flipped out.. That man i’m married too got scared and took my car keys.. And i’m really getting sick of that.. When i need away.. Don’t take my outlet to remove myself from a bad situation. Of course.. He coddled me.. I’m so sick of being treated like a ticking time bomb.. or like a child.. Like I dont know whats best for me.. Or like i’m going to do something stupid.. To myself.. I’m not going to harm myself.. I just want to be left alone sometimes.. I just NEED to be removed from a situation sometimes.. And when I need to remove myself.. Someone should not stop me.. Else I will blow up and turn into the bomb that man i’m married to seems to be scared i am. There are times it is perfectly okay to NOT want to talk. There are times its perfectly okay to want to remove yourself from a situation that is not to your liking. There are times it is okay to just want to be left alone. My “flip out” I believe was warranted.. I didnt act like that on purpose.. BUT I did warn “hubby” that it was coming.. Not once.. not twice.. but over and over again. I told him over and over again that my nerves were shot. I could not take much more. I needed a time out for a minute. To be left alone.. Do not touch me.. Leave me alone! See. It was the day of Diva’s bday party (last sunday) I dont handle social things well.. Not when there is alot of people and they are really close to me and tend to “touch,bump” etc.. We had her party at the bowling alley.. More people showed up than I expected. but still less than previous years. But I’d been rushing all day.. Want to see me flip out.. Just make me rush around and get things done in a specific time frame.. It almost never fails.. I will flip out. I had spent all morning cleaning house. BY MYSELF. While that man i’m married to SLEPT! After he’d promised he was going to get up and help. Then. I packed the car by myself. Then I controlled the party by myself and had to tend to the kids and the adults by myself because that man i’m married to was bowling with the other men. Then I had to pack the car up by myself.. again. Come home finish laundry and unpack the car and put all the crap up.. Then I had to fix dinner. My a/c is out again since the electricity went out.. So I was hot.. Irritated because of all the people and the constant non stop going and the heat.. I was at my VERY END. I had no more left to give. NONE.. Not even a tiny little bit.. I’d done all I could do that day. I’d ran myself ragged. And that man i’m married to could not just leave me alone. No he needed that.. Or couldnt find this.. Or the kids needed this or that.. Then he started messing with me and I lost it. I flipped out. I had warned him and warned him.. See it was warranted. I’d let them know . All of them know.. I could not take any more.. And I exploded.. I do blame them.. And when I needed a few minutes to myself and tried to leave and remove myself from teh situation.. The man i’m married to decided to take my keys.. That I would harm myself and that I just needed to talk. The VERY LAST thing I needed at that point was to talk. What I needed was to go to the park and sit on a park bench and listen to my ipod for about 10 minutes.. I needed to go and be with out noise (from other people)for a few minutes. I needed to be with ME and ME only! But he couldnt even give me that. So I kept going further and further out of control which of course made it worse. After all these years you’d think he’d learn.. LET ME BE! When i’m like that.. I dont want to talk.. Thats te last thing I want. Why is it he can’t want to talk to me before I get to that point?

Anyhow.. That all said..
Wyatt is having surgery in the morning.. at 7:30 am.. He is having tubes put in his ears.. They say its a very easy procedure and its a pretty routine procedure. So it should be nothing. They said by the time we get sitting comfortably that they will be done. People are telling me I have nothing to worry about.. why worry.. HELLO THEY ARE PUTTING MY BABY TO SLEEP!!!! THAT SCARES ME>> I”M HIS MOM!!!

Thats all for now.. TTFN! As soon as my pc issues are resolved i’ll be visiting you all.. I”m having issues replying to those of you who are using blogger while i’m on my laptop.. I’ve visited several but been unable to reply!

I’ve been asked why Ivy Tied Up many times. I’ve written about the meaning in the past. I’ve written about the common, easy to understand meaning before. The tied up part seems to confuse and intrigue people.. The number of people who find this blog daily based on the term “tied up” would seem to justify the last statement..

There are many reasons why I chose tied up. So many reasons. Some are fairly easy to understand. Some are a bit more complex. Some are just really far out there and very hard for people to 1. understand and 2. comprehend. Those I wont go into. Its just too much.

Tied up describes my emotions more than anything. It describes the state of mind I often find myself in. It describes the feeling when I find myself yearning for more than what I’ve got. It describes the feelings I have when I find myself drawn into something I can’t get out of. It describes my feelings when I find myself needing something to calm the fire.

The fire that burns and pulls and doesn’t stop till its consumed everything inside me. Till I’m ready to scream for less yet beg for more. The fire that comes from my stomach and burns outward till my entire self is nothing but burning embers and smokey ashes.

I don’t know what to do when I get like that. Like THIS. I want so much. All the time. Nothing calms the want. The need. For everything. The restless desire.. I can feel it building and climbing to that level that goes beyond what I can control. It ignites a passion that wont die. Its so alive. So real. So electric. Every breathe is so much more. It takes everything inside and its all tied up because everything is electrified. You can’t touch the high. Its like walking the high wire with out a net below. There are very few things that compare. Its like being constantly on the verge of a massive orgasm. Your whole body is on fire. Its seeping out of your pores.. You can’t ignore it.. You can’t get it out.. Nothing kills the flame. Nothing kills the desire, the passion, the wanting, yearning, wanting more. It doesn’t stop. Then everything..is all tied up..

There is more.. Lots more.. But I’ve got to go do something other than sit here or I’m going to explode..