Ivy Tied Up |

Back to school has cost me a fortune this year! I am now officially flat broke until next pay day. So broke its not even funny.. Diva didnt have to have too much clothes wise but shoes, socks, and underwear are not cheap. Bug had to have the same with a few more things which wasnt cheap either. Sugar had to have an ENTIRE new wardrobe because she has worn the same clothes for awhile now and they are all kinda raggedy.. She hasnt gotten much bigger over the last year and half to 2 years so her clothes have fit her for awhile. It was time for new ones. That was what was so expensive. All she had was play clothes. And that kid goes through shoes like crazy. We go through atleast a pair of shoes a month with her. She is extremely tough on shoes!

Now a week from today my baby turns 1. I think im going to cry next weekend.
Some updated pictures below:

Nothing much else to share today..

My husband came in a few minutes ago and said,”Ivy, do you know what time it is?” I looked at him and said,”Yep, its 6:30″ (am mind you) He said,”what are you doing?” I said,”cleaning” He said,”Come to bed, you need sleep.” I shook my head no. He said,”you are going to wake the kids” I said,”Yes probably so. They wake me up when I want to be sleeping.” He shook his head and went back to bed.. So yes.. I’ve once again been up all night. I tried to sleep.
I really did. But my mind was filled with 10 thousand things I needed to be doing. Like cleaning the kitchen. It had to be done. No probably not right then, but why not? I couldnt sleep. I needed to be doing something. Right?

I yawn but I keep going. I can’t seem to stop this am. Later I’ll be dead on my feet. Maybe i’ll sleep tonight then.

The kids go back to school in a week. One whole week. We are almost ready. Still need to pick up a few school supplies and a few more clothing items.. Back to school costs a fortune!

In 2 weeks.. Wyatt will turn a year old.. I can only shake my head at this as I can’t figure out where the time has gone. He is taking a few steps here and there.. He kinda walks sideways.. its pretty funny.. He however claps with every step he takes. Because he is a big boy and he knows this and he is proud of this and someone should clap! He’ll outgrow it soon.. Better enjoy it while I can.

If you didnt know it already.. Kansas Sunflower is in cancun on a much needed/deserved vacation. Only now Hurricane Dean is forecast to hit there.. Lets hope she can get back home before it hits! Keep her in your thoughts!

If you can’t tell from my last post.. My new medicine is not my friend. My Dr put me on Geodon at my last apt.. It’s made my life miserable. First I couldn’t function. 1 pill put me out from Friday night till Sunday morning. When I woke up all I wanted to do was throw up. I wanted that crap out of my system. I wanted it out of me. I hated the way I felt. I couldn’t take it. Thankful it had been a Friday that I took it so that dh was home with the kids all weekend I refused to take it Sunday night. Scared I wouldn’t wake up till Tuesday. With dh needing to work that wasnt an option. I needed to function. So I didn’t take it for a few days then I called the Dr and explained the situation. They kept saying,”that happens it will go away in a few days. Usually 7-10 days.” I explained 7-10 days was not an option as a mother of 4 I have to be awake not wishing I were dead due to a medication.” And yes at that point on Sunday when I woke up.. I wished I were dead. I felt like I had been coming out of surgery.. It was anesthesia hell all over again! So they lowered my dosage and had me go pick up a smaller dose from their office.. Tried it.. No go.. I felt sick all the time.. My neck and shoulders were so stiff I couldn’t move. My neck is still stiff but getting better. I felt sick all the time. Lethargic too. Could not function. And I keep going back between moods really bad. Its like being on the edge of a cliff and you are fixing(In texas we say fixing in place of saying going to, just about, etc. Cant help it..) to fall off but cant get back onto stable ground and you cant fall into the depths of full blown mania either. Its a very bad horrible place to be and I don’t like it at all.

I’m extremely irritable. And I quit taking the med.. I don’t like it at all. I hate it.. I wont take it. I can not function like this and tend to my kids. The stress of school starting is also getting to me..

Things aren’t bad here.. I just can’t stand this medication and what it does to me. Its like a really bad high you just want off and cant get it out of your system.. It also makes me cry one minute and not the next and its almost like being pregnant again.. OYE! (but no I’m not pregnant) This is truly one of the worst things I’ve ever put into my body and I’ve put some bad shit in there over the years!

I don’t like the feelings
that loom between here and there
they pull me in and spit me out
and take me further into no where

A sharp line
between fiction and fact
my life and my reality
can feel it closing in on me

Medication explodes
taking me down
holding me prisoner
wont let me out

It makes me sick
its a fucked up twist
distorted versions
of what I should be

I dont like the feelings
that wont go away
i’m stuck on the edge
of teeter tottering misery

Its draining me. I can barely breathe. I can barely think. I can barely function.
If its 100 outside its 110 in this house. I take a shower to cool off, to allow myself time to think. Time to breathe. Time to escape the sweltering heat. I try so hard to wash the sweat, dust, sticky off me that has been glued to me for most of the day. It wont come off. Its like tar. It clings to my skin and wont come off. The point of the shower lost. I get out of the shower. No point in drying off. The towel wont do its job. It can’t do its job. The humidity has consumed everything. Its taken its toll on my surroundings. Five seconds out of the shower and I’m dripping with sweat again. I can feel it beading back up under my chest, behind my knees, on my neck. It wont leave. It sucks the life out of everything. Out of me.

My days go dragging on one by one. Never ending. Fear now consumes me when it comes to going outside. I don’t know whats worse. Going outside and being in the sickly sticky heat and humidity or being inside with its sweltering temps taking their toll on the little window units and fans we are running. Going outside requires getting dressed. For some odd reason they found the need to make it a law about going around nude. I see no point in wearing clothes. The heat and humidity leaves them clinging to your every curve. Sweat pooling at every crevice. Beading on your forehead, your brow, running in your eyes, in your mouth. You can smell the summer heat everywhere you go. On everyone you come into contact with. It takes us all prisoner and does not discriminate. It doesn’t pick and choose its victims. It chooses us all. It takes us all.

I cling to my house like its my life line. Going to the store at odd hours. Dragging the kids out only when its an absolute must only to hear them complain about the heat and how its “killing them”. As if complaining about it will some how ease the heat and suddenly let us all breathe. As if their constant complaints will somehow bring instant relief to us all and cool them off. Because in their minds complaining about it makes it better or at least makes me more miserable than them.

And misery is the key. Its too hot to do anything. Its too hot to move, to clean, to shop, to have sex. Its too hot to do anything. I’d rather spend the day lying in my bed doing nothing underneath the breeze of the fan. But that fans breeze has turned to hot air. Its like having flames hitting your back. Every breeze is like a hot rod branding your skin. Leaving their marks with sticky sweat and the sheets stick to you like glue. Clothing isn’t an option but at the same time its a must. So you wear as little as you can get away with and even then. They cling. They cling to every inch of your body that they cover and sweat pools underneath them so you feel wet and sticky all the time.

I sit here half dressed waiting. Waiting on fall to come, but knowing full well what our fall consists of. We wont get much relief till late October early November. We might even have to wait till December before the leaves start changing and the breezes start blowing. The rain will come and go until then. Barely soaking the ground and releasing nothing more than steam. It might cool us down a few degrees but never enough to mean anything. All that’s left in its aftermath is steam and more humidity. It just adds to the sick sticky we feel all the time. A feeling that can only be described as gross. Gross sums it up well. August is always worse than July.

Until school starts.. Not bad.. We’ve made it 2 months.. I can last another right?

Anyhow.. I’m sad kinda I think.. I know.. Its horrible not to know exactly how you feel.. Speaking of which.. Im so tired of not knowing how I feel. I’m either numb or feeling way too much wether it be sadness, grief, anxiety, happy, etc. There is no inbetween.. And i’m so tired of that.. I’m tired of not knowing how I feel. I’ve gone so long being this way that I dont know how I truly feel anymore.

That said.. I went back to the pdoc last week. He decided that my break down with the party meant the meds were not working plus I was stable one day but not the next and he put me on geodon.. my first experience with that was truly horrible.. I havent taken it since.. I need to call him later today and see what he wants me to do.. yes Its taken me this long to say ,”hey i need to deal with that.. instead of being off meds”
I’ve been unstable. I dont know if its going from taking meds every day for a month to not taking them but i’ve been pretty much all over the place lately.. who knows..

update ont eh kids..
I’m sad.. Wyatt turned 11 months yesterday.. That means in less than a month.. He will turn a year old.. Now why am I sad? He is my last baby.. I don’t want another. HOWEVER i’m going to miss the baby stage.. I’m going ot miss having a baby to cuddle.. That smell.. them needing you.. unconditional love, etc.. Im going to miss all the firsts.. I dont want another.. This much I know.. But Im not ready to give up him being a baby yet.. He went to the dr yesterday and he weighs a whopping 18lbs and 12 oz.. Since he had tubes put in hise ars.. he has gained a 1lb and a half.. They are thrilled.. Suddenly he is putting on weight.. His surgery went well.. He is more vocal and opinionated now.. he screams just to hear himself.. boy oh boy this age is fun!..

Sugar starts preK this year.. Another milestone that saddens me.. she is MY baby.. I’m not ready for her to be in school yet!

My nephew is doing well. He had a bad time 2 weeks ago where his blood count dropped to 70 and was put in the hospital.. but he is doing well now.. he has chemo on friday..

My other 2 kiddos are doing nothing more than driving me insane with their constant fighting..
blech!