Ivy Tied Up |

I try not to make my blog all about my kids.. I like to think there is more to me than just my kids though sometimes I wonder.. But I’ve got to tell you. I am to the point of where I don’t know how I keep going..

I don’t know if its the “bipolar” or if its just normal. I no longer know what normal is. I don’t know if this is how every mom feels because I keep myself “away from the pack” alot. I don’t know how much is just normal feelings and how much is lack of stability. But I have to firmly believe that anyone who has 4 kids would feel as I do. I have to firmly believe anyone with a child would feel like I do if all their kids were going 90 to nothing and nothing seemed to slow down.

Off and on now for weeks.. Sugar and Wyatt have been trading getting sick. First sugar with croupy cough crap. She missed 3 days of school. Then wyatt… Then Sugar again with 103 fever. then yesterday I had wyatt in the drs office with 104.3 fever . He had a ear infection, sinus infection and respiratory infection.. Boy talk about sock it to ya! Then Sugar gets up for school this morning and complains of her ear.. I put ear drops in.. Kiss the fore head.. all better no fever off to school. School calls me at 8:30 (school lets in at 8). I had to go get her and carry her to the dr. She has a respiratory infection and ear infection. The other 2 have not been sick at all but the two that have been.. I don’t know how much longer I can go.. Its been non stop crying, 103 fever, crying, fever, crying, fever, crying, fever, crying, fever..

Going back to Saturday.. Sugar slept in my bed. She had a horrible fever and wouldn’t stop crying. About midnight I had had all I could take. I kicked her out of my bed and onto the couch. Then I had a dream that she had a seizure and died from the fever. I woke up screaming and crying and couldnt go back to sleep. It was a horrible dream and it was so real. The emotions were so real. Its too much.

So this is where i’ve been. Stuck in mommy hell.. That sounds bad but come on.. Who wants kids to be non stop crying and sick. Not only is it hell for mom but its hell for the kids. no one wants to see their kids suffer and no one wants to suffer because their kids are suffering. Its not fair. not on any level.

I had an appointment with the shrink last week. He changed my meds to abilify and ambien. I love ambien. I think everyone should have ambien. I’ve taken 2 doses of the abilify now. we’ll see what happens. Anyone have any experience with it?