Ivy Tied Up |

How do you handle an addict? One who is addicted to pills? Prescription pills? I don’t know how to get by. No i’m not the addict clearly. How do you go on day after day living with an addict? How can you help them if they wont admit they have a problem. Or the one time you do get them to admit it they wont do anything about it. Any other time they get defensive and mad.. How do you do it?

Okay so.. by now I realize I need to stop giving chance after chance as I can’t take much more. My sister has put me on the back burner once again. (post 1 about her not inviting me to her wedding , post 2 about her not telling me about my nephews cancer)

I’ve had my fill. I really have. I’m so over trying. Family shit shouldnt be so hard. I’m over the way she and my mother treat me. I don’t think i’ll be doing the family thing when it comes to htnaksgiving or christmas this year. I think i’ll create my own family traditions. Maybe i’ll include my inlaws that I hate so much.

What happened this time right? Well my nephew (the one with cancer) turned 4 october 22. I assumed they wouldnt be doing anything because he cant be around other kids. I asked my sister what he needed since he couldnt have a party. She tells me oh they did have a party. Her friends came and her friends kids came and they had cake and he had a good time.. I didnt know about it, I wasnt invited. My kids were not invited. We were an after thought. We were not even considered. I was livid! HER FRIENDS WERE THERE! THEIR KIDS WERE THERE! I wasnt even told about it. They had cake that was decorated., They planned that! IT wasnt a last minute thing.

I sent my dad an email earlier because I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be apart of that family anymore. I dont know if that sounds horrible to some. But i’m finally happy in my own skin most of the time. I’m finally happy with my lil family I have. My marriage is finally working. I dont need a “family” that is supposed to give a shit to bring me down. I don’t need the trigger. I have my family. Anyhow i’m goign to share the email I sent. I realize it might be a very selfish email. I keep reminding myself my nephew has cancer things are hard on my sister right now.. But thtas no excuse to exclude me over and over again.. She did this before he had cancer. Go read the wedding post. Go read me finding out about him having cancer and you’ll see.. This is nothing new.. This is over and over and over again..

My email to my dad:
Please keep in mind he knows how it feels. They (my mom and sister) do it to him as well. They treat him just like they do me.

Dad,
This is going to sound like a very selfish email. But i ‘m so tired of feeling the way I do. I think its something you will understand and something I’ve discussed with you before.

I’m the outcast of the family. The last to know anything. Never involved in anything. I have to jump htrough hoops to be noticed. No one notices if they don’t hear from me for awhile. Other than you that is.

You can tell me I’m being totally selfish. I’d understand. I keep telling myself that trying to make myself feel better but honestly its not helping me any at all. I keep telling myself I’m just feeling sorry for myself. That’s not helping either.

I finally have a good life going for me. I’m finally happy at home and dh and I have worked hard to make things work and its finally working for us and we finally are happy. But There is something missing and no matter how hard I try its not going to get better. Because I”m not a part of them. I’m not like them. I’m not a priority for them.

For years I’ve made excuses for why I’m not an active part of their lives. Why I’m not closer to them. Them being “sister” and mom that is. Sure they go to the kids bday parties. But that’s about it. I’m the last phone call. I’m still the last to know anything. I’m the first excluded.

I’m sorry I’m leaning this on you. Its not your burden. Its really not. But I think above all you understand atleast to some degree.

I don’t know how long I can keep going feeling like this when it comes to them. I can’t keep caring when its not important to them. I just can’t. It hurts my feelings too much. I’ve tried to ignore it.. But I can’t. It doesn’t work. And I’m tired of hurting because I’m at the bottom of their list and I shouldn’t be. Mainly “sister”.

If something is wrong with my kids. They are my first priority to let them know. I know this sounds so petty and trivial but its not. Its important to me. I was the last to find out something was wrong with “nephew”. Or even that they thought something was wrong. “sister’s” freaking friends knew first! Mom knew first! I found out after the fact. I didn’t even know she was doing something for “nephew” bday. She had her friends there, their kids, mom.. I found out yesterday and pictures were sent to me. How does that make me feel? I’m more important in Aimee’s(my best friend) life than I am in “sisters”. I could go on and start in about her wedding and how important I was there since I was given Trash duty while “sister” was taking pictures with everyone but me. Lets not forget they planned fathers day and mothers day get togethers and didnt tell me till 1 hour before I was supposed to be there. THen there was also labor day as well. A bbq I was told wasnt happening but suddenly it was and they called last minute and asked where I was.. But then again the list goes on and on and it becomes a pity party.

I don’t even want to go to thanksgiving or Christmas this year. And I’m strongly considering starting my own family tradition just to avoid it. They treat me like shit when they (sis & mom) are together. I’m the butt of their jokes. They gang up on me. And I honestly can not make it through another family function where I’m the outcast and the lets laugh at Ivy. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t have it in me anymore. Separately its okay. Together its not. I don’t want to be there and I don’t think I will be. I don’t like being laughed at or being anyones joke. Its not fair to me. And one day I’m going to go off and its not going to be pretty. I’m tired of playing nice. I’m tired of being left out.

I don’t fit in with dh’s family. I don’t fit in with my family. I don’t know where I fit in anymore. But its up to me to be happy. And I refuse to put myself in anymore situations that will bring me down and make me feel bad. I do have control over that.
I have my head screwed on right. I hope you don’t think this is a pity party . This is just how I feel. I’ve held it in for years now.

I’m sorry that its getting laid on you though.
I love you,
Ivy”

I was in a fender bender last week. Okay so not really a fender bender but not really enough to call it a wreck. As I was backing out of my parking spot at walmart. Well thats not correct. I was backed out of my parking spot at walmart and as I was putting my car in drive to pull forward my whole car started to shake and a loud THUD was heard. A lady backed into me!!!!!! Into the middle of my car! she wasnte ven looking. She hit Wyatt’s door..

Scared the mess out of me. Wyatt was pretty shaken up but clearly okay. It just scared him really bad too. The lady who hit me was really shaken up too. Worse htan I was. Her insurance is going to cover the damages. Will talk with them again in the morning. And hopefully get hte ball rolling. THe damages arent bad. My car is driveable. But its still a huge hassle.. I took my car for an estimate this am. 2,152.61$ is the damage.. My car needs a whole new door panel.. FUN!

On a side note. Why do little boys think farts and farting noises is so damn cool and funny?

Ever not know what to write yet feel the need to write? To get something off your chest yet not know what that something is? I feel that need right now.

I’ve been thinking about all the stupid stuff I’ve done in my past. Some of it I can chalk up to being a teenager, some to mania, but most to both. If that makes any sense at all.

Early on in my relationship with my now husband he saw bouts of my mania. Of course at that time he had no clue what it was. I know he was thinking,”What the hell is wrong with this chick?” yet he stuck around. Further into our relationship he saw more and more bouts of mania and he still stuck around. When he found out I was bipolar he blew it off. Didnt believe it. His aunt is bipolar and she does some really out there crazy things. I wasn’t like her.

Early on I fell in love with his aunt. No not that kind of love. But the kind of love where you feel for the person and are close to them because you understand them. I understood his aunt and she understood me. We get along well. I don’t have to explain myself to her. She knows already. She doesn’t have to explain herself to me. I understand. Its an unspoken bond. Not only do we have that bond but we have alot of things in common. She made being with my dh less crazy. She made it make more sense and she kept me grounded when my world was falling apart. When my brother died it was her I clung to. She kept me sane when my world was spiraling out of control.

People always thought she was nuts. She’d go off for hours in the woods by herself and scream and scream. You could hear her screaming anytime of night or day. People said,”oh she is just being crazy again” For me. It was sanity. It made complete sense. Why not remove yourself from your troubles for a few hours and go scream about them some where that no one else can interrupt or tell you to get over it? Why not take that time. Why can’t you scream if you need to scream? For me. It was real. For everyone else it was insane.

I went insane one time. As I look back I remember bits and pieces of my mania. Not enough to form a whole picture but I can see bits and pieces. This one time I remember it well because dh has brought it up. I think I scared him that time. IT was when my MIL (dh’s bio mom not his step mom that gives me hell now) died. The grief of losing her sent me into mania. It was my way of coping with it. I swung full force into a full blown episode in the middle of the night and started seeing things and started screaming. I screamed for a long time. Looking back I imagine it was pretty scary thing for an outsider to have to witness. Looking back I shake my head and wonder what the hell was going through my mind. I was screaming at the demons that were making me feel so horrible. Atleast thats the sense I can make of it now. I was screaming because I was scared, because I was sad, and because I dont think I knew what else to do.

Sometimes mania makes me high. Sometimes I feel on cloud 9. Like I smoked a lb of dope. Sometimes it makes me angry, bitter, paranoid, possessive, irritable. Sometimes it makes me a not nice person. All the time It makes me different. You never know what you will get. And my mania isn’t always the same. It varies from mild to severe. Sometimes it scares me.

Which is why I can’t figure out why on earth I’d miss the mania.

I went to court on Tuesday. I was so nervous because I normally do not handle things like this real well.. It went off rather smoothly. I had called my dad before going and asked his opinion of if I had a shot in hell and he told me to be calm and nice. He told me not to argue with the officer and to tell the judge that I didnt THINK i had ran the redlight and explain why.

When I got to the court house I was the 2nd one there but ended up being the 3rd one seen. There were a bunch of people there. 2 guys that came out didnt look pleased so I was pretty worried. Even more so because when the judge had shown up (10 minutes late) he didnt look very happy.
He called me into his office and i sat down and he says,”you ran a red light” and I told the judge the truth about what happened. He listened and then said,”I tell you what i’m going to do” and he let me off. He dismissed the ticket. He gave me a quick (less than 60 seconds) lecture about minding my surroundings and he dismissed the ticket and let me go. I was tickled pink.
A friend asked me,”what did you do to get off.. tell me”.. Umm.. I simply told the truth.

I was so relieved when I left there. I had no idea where i’d have gotten the money for the ticket.

I’ve been a bit more “normal”. More like other people. Just more “normal”. According to dh. Apparently the abilify has made me more stable. More like other people. Less complicated.
Dh is happier. We get along better than we have in years. But for me. This is kinda scary.

I miss at times the mania. At times I miss not feeling anything too. Sometimes I miss the head spinning feelings. Before I could go void and not feel anything. Now i’m a bit emmotional. I don’t know if its the meds really I dont. But I wasnt like this before. I’ve got all these feelings I didnt have before. I havent had in a very very very very long time. This is a new experience for me and i’m not sure how I feel about it. A friend told me last night she was surprised to hear me say I missed the mania. Thats how it works though right? You live with something long enough its what you know. Right? This is new territory for me. In the last month things have changed. Its different. I’m different.

I think i’m bordering on depression sometimes now. Its not all the time. But I’m quick to tears. Only ever been like that before while I was pregnant and i’m certainly not pregnant now. Like I said its not all the time just sometimes. Its so hard to describe how I feel now. I’m so freaking confused sometimes. But the anger, resentment, hostility, quick temper, flying off the handle. Its not there anymore. Atleast not for now.

So if this is “more like normal people” (dh’s words) i’m not sure I like being like “normal people”

To the one person left reading my blog,

I got a ticket yesterday. I havent had a ticket in over 10 years. But I got one yesterday. And in the worst town of all.. one I call ticketburbia.. Its known for giving tickets.. See.. I ran a red light.. However in my defense it wasnt freaking red!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This this particular red light is in a school zone. Almost always its a flashing yellow light that you do not have to stop at except when the school zone lights are flashing. Well I go through this area very very very seldom and never when the lights are flashing and the red light working as a red light. Anyhow.. That is so the point give me a minute.

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