Ivy Tied Up |

Okay so.. by now I realize I need to stop giving chance after chance as I can’t take much more. My sister has put me on the back burner once again. (post 1 about her not inviting me to her wedding , post 2 about her not telling me about my nephews cancer)

I’ve had my fill. I really have. I’m so over trying. Family shit shouldnt be so hard. I’m over the way she and my mother treat me. I don’t think i’ll be doing the family thing when it comes to htnaksgiving or christmas this year. I think i’ll create my own family traditions. Maybe i’ll include my inlaws that I hate so much.

What happened this time right? Well my nephew (the one with cancer) turned 4 october 22. I assumed they wouldnt be doing anything because he cant be around other kids. I asked my sister what he needed since he couldnt have a party. She tells me oh they did have a party. Her friends came and her friends kids came and they had cake and he had a good time.. I didnt know about it, I wasnt invited. My kids were not invited. We were an after thought. We were not even considered. I was livid! HER FRIENDS WERE THERE! THEIR KIDS WERE THERE! I wasnt even told about it. They had cake that was decorated., They planned that! IT wasnt a last minute thing.

I sent my dad an email earlier because I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be apart of that family anymore. I dont know if that sounds horrible to some. But i’m finally happy in my own skin most of the time. I’m finally happy with my lil family I have. My marriage is finally working. I dont need a “family” that is supposed to give a shit to bring me down. I don’t need the trigger. I have my family. Anyhow i’m goign to share the email I sent. I realize it might be a very selfish email. I keep reminding myself my nephew has cancer things are hard on my sister right now.. But thtas no excuse to exclude me over and over again.. She did this before he had cancer. Go read the wedding post. Go read me finding out about him having cancer and you’ll see.. This is nothing new.. This is over and over and over again..

My email to my dad:
Please keep in mind he knows how it feels. They (my mom and sister) do it to him as well. They treat him just like they do me.

Dad,
This is going to sound like a very selfish email. But i ‘m so tired of feeling the way I do. I think its something you will understand and something I’ve discussed with you before.

I’m the outcast of the family. The last to know anything. Never involved in anything. I have to jump htrough hoops to be noticed. No one notices if they don’t hear from me for awhile. Other than you that is.

You can tell me I’m being totally selfish. I’d understand. I keep telling myself that trying to make myself feel better but honestly its not helping me any at all. I keep telling myself I’m just feeling sorry for myself. That’s not helping either.

I finally have a good life going for me. I’m finally happy at home and dh and I have worked hard to make things work and its finally working for us and we finally are happy. But There is something missing and no matter how hard I try its not going to get better. Because I”m not a part of them. I’m not like them. I’m not a priority for them.

For years I’ve made excuses for why I’m not an active part of their lives. Why I’m not closer to them. Them being “sister” and mom that is. Sure they go to the kids bday parties. But that’s about it. I’m the last phone call. I’m still the last to know anything. I’m the first excluded.

I’m sorry I’m leaning this on you. Its not your burden. Its really not. But I think above all you understand atleast to some degree.

I don’t know how long I can keep going feeling like this when it comes to them. I can’t keep caring when its not important to them. I just can’t. It hurts my feelings too much. I’ve tried to ignore it.. But I can’t. It doesn’t work. And I’m tired of hurting because I’m at the bottom of their list and I shouldn’t be. Mainly “sister”.

If something is wrong with my kids. They are my first priority to let them know. I know this sounds so petty and trivial but its not. Its important to me. I was the last to find out something was wrong with “nephew”. Or even that they thought something was wrong. “sister’s” freaking friends knew first! Mom knew first! I found out after the fact. I didn’t even know she was doing something for “nephew” bday. She had her friends there, their kids, mom.. I found out yesterday and pictures were sent to me. How does that make me feel? I’m more important in Aimee’s(my best friend) life than I am in “sisters”. I could go on and start in about her wedding and how important I was there since I was given Trash duty while “sister” was taking pictures with everyone but me. Lets not forget they planned fathers day and mothers day get togethers and didnt tell me till 1 hour before I was supposed to be there. THen there was also labor day as well. A bbq I was told wasnt happening but suddenly it was and they called last minute and asked where I was.. But then again the list goes on and on and it becomes a pity party.

I don’t even want to go to thanksgiving or Christmas this year. And I’m strongly considering starting my own family tradition just to avoid it. They treat me like shit when they (sis & mom) are together. I’m the butt of their jokes. They gang up on me. And I honestly can not make it through another family function where I’m the outcast and the lets laugh at Ivy. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t have it in me anymore. Separately its okay. Together its not. I don’t want to be there and I don’t think I will be. I don’t like being laughed at or being anyones joke. Its not fair to me. And one day I’m going to go off and its not going to be pretty. I’m tired of playing nice. I’m tired of being left out.

I don’t fit in with dh’s family. I don’t fit in with my family. I don’t know where I fit in anymore. But its up to me to be happy. And I refuse to put myself in anymore situations that will bring me down and make me feel bad. I do have control over that.
I have my head screwed on right. I hope you don’t think this is a pity party . This is just how I feel. I’ve held it in for years now.

I’m sorry that its getting laid on you though.
I love you,
Ivy”