Ivy Tied Up |

Things are slowly becoming more normal around here. Dh is starting to act more normal and things are slowly starting to settle back down. So thats good. But i’m not convinced our old normal is good anymore. It works. Dysfunctionally but it works.

The court date came and went and it was 2 days before we heard from the lawyer. They got an extension for the court date and we go back at a later date now. All because they are trying to get SIL to sign papers to drop the charges. I just want all this over and done with. I’m tired of playing the waiting game. So very tired of the waiting game!

So thats the only update for now. I want to thank you all for your well wishes and your thoughts. They really mean so much to me..

Moving away from here really seems like the logical answer. I know its at the front of everyones mind.. Don’t think it hasnt crossed my mind. I’ve been trying for years to get away from here..

Moving isnt an option. We cant afford it. Our credit sucks. Dh refuses to rent. We pay nothing on the land becuase its family land. Its dh’s land. He wont leave. I can’t afford to make it on my own. I realize women do it every day. But raising 4 kids is not cheap. I’d have to work 3 jobs to make ends meet. Is it worth it? I dont think so. I didnt have these kids to never see them. And if i’m working 3 jobs to make ends meet who is raising them? not me. Who is there for them? not me. Who is going to make sure they make it through the hard times? It wont be me.. I cant do that.. I’m not strong enough. I haven’t worked in 9 years. My resume looks horrible. It goes back to when I was working in highschool. Thats almost 10 years ago! At the end of this year it will be 10 years! Jobs dont pay big money for someone who didnt go to college and hasnt worked in 10 years.. you start at the bottom of the pole.. making jack squat.. who survives on jack squat? highschool kids who’s moms pay their bills.. It wouldnt pay gas or daycare. I do plan to go to work after Sugar is in school full time. She only goes half a day right now. The plan was for me to go towork when they were all in school. But that changed when wyatt was born.. Daycare is not cheap. working to pay daycare doesnt work. Its not reasonable or logical..

Anyhow back to the inlaws because i’m rambling. The inlaws are obsessive about our lives. Its unreal. Its creepy. They keep track of who comes and goes and what goes on. its really weird. They are so bored its annoying. But moving away from here isnt going to happen.. Its one of those “if i’d known back then what i know now” deals.. Things would have been different. I’d have never settled here..

It seems like all I write about lately are the problems with my husband. Frankly thats whats taking up the majority of my life lately so thats all I have to write about. Its very consuming. Very overhwelming and very mind blowing. Things have just spun out of control.

As far as I know he is clean. However his erratic behavior continues. He has not quit his job yet but is steadily looking for a job traveling. When asked why he wants to travel he says he just needs away from here. I ask if its me. He says no its his dad. See the inlaws live next door and drive you insane. Seriously insane. They go through our garbage. Its a very screwed up situation. I’m at my wits end with them and they bug him 100x more than they do me about stuff.

His behavior is different. He isnt the same person. I swear to you he is depressed and possibly suicidal. He swears he is not depressed. He has nothing to be depressed about but his actions speak louder than words and they are clear signs of depression. Part of me for a second wonders if its my fault. All of this started when I refused to care anymore. However I can’t take the blame for his behavior and actions. I can’t let it fall on me. HE did this.. NOT ME.

On another note. The kids are all doing well.. They were out of school 3 days this past week for the holiday. They go back on monday and I can’t wait. I need some peace and quiet. I REALLY need some peace and quiet. Everyone is well and doing okay.

I’ll share some pictures..

Mr Wyatt..

bug..

Diva

and 2 of sugar

There is only so much one person can take before he/she has a mental break down. I feel it coming. building to the edge. boiling.. waiting on me to burst.

Remember back in June when SIL had dh arrested? Well we finally got court papers telling him to be in court on november 27th.. I’m nervous. I’m hoping the charges get dropped.. After all BIL is back with SIL.. FUN!

Then.. Found out the lady who does our taxes has been audited and tons of people she did their taxes they have been audited too.. FUN!

Then you add all the bullshit with dh to the mix and its even more fun only now he is talking about quitting his job with out having another job lined up..

I feel like i might explode at anytime..

Well dh is clean right now.. atleast for the time being. I’d love to say I cared enough to be glad but I don’t. He did this to his family and to himself. He has put us in bad situation after bad situation with his shit and i’m over it. I’m just waiting on “next time” because there will be a next time. There always is..

Right now he is at the ,”baby i need you. I need you to support me, I love you. please dont leave me ” stage.. I wish I could feel bad for him but I dont.. I resent the hell out of him. He has missed more work lately because of it and that takes away from me and my kids. That takes our ability to pay our bills away from us.. That means his addiction was put first. because not only did he miss work he spent money on his addiction.. thats not a good thing and it puts us into a bind..

i’m finished caring..

I’ve been babysitting dh lately. Because he has been so doped up on pills that he cant function like a normal part of society. Last night was extremely bad to the point of where the inlaws walked him home and told me that if i needed to take him to the ER to call them.

My level of disgust is through the roof. I’ve had it. All I can take. He cant walk or talk or function. He slurrs his words and walks sideways. That is when eh can stand up. His level of addiction is getting worse. And I hate him for it.

I can’t fix him. I cant stop his addiction. You can’t help someone who doesnt want help. I’ve tried. I give up. He is going to kill himself on this shit and thats going to be the end of it.. For him anyway just the beginning of the pain for my kids though. Its ridiculous really.

He woke up this morning sober. Of course it was baby this and baby that and i love you and i need you and i’m sorry and i wont do it again. BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA. Geeze where have I heard that before.. lets see.. THe LAST Time he did this??????????? There is always going to be a last time and a next time. Always. He cares more about the pills than his family.

I’m so over it! What does he expect from me? I can’t be caring. No i’m colder than you can imagine. I’m filled with disgust and hate and anger. How can someone let themselves get like that? blech! Its disgusting!

SO they say i’m stable. Some might not agree.. I feel good as far as moods go. No symptoms lately. So the things i’ve learned or realized might come as a shock to some. Because in the past its been chalked up to just one of my moods.. The moods arent active right now so you cant say its just my moods.

First i’ve learned that life with out moods is just as complicated as life with moods.. I miss the mania. The boredom drives me insane. People expect me to fly off the handle.. They just do..

Then i’ve learned that my marriage is not working and hasnt for a long time. Things were going really well.. And I lied to myself and told myself that things were great and wonderful. I let it convince me things would get better. I’ve learned that I love my husband. Just not how he loves me or says he loves me. I love him like I love everyone else. This is a problem for me. Im still here out of obligation. Thats another problem for me. I don’t know how to quit or how to fail at this although I already feel like a failure. I dont know how to turn this around. My obligation is what i stood up for when i got married. I didnt have these kids to walk away and how do you take them from what they know? My life not only affects me but my kids as well.. Obligation is going to be the death of me. Obligation and fear.

I’ve learned mania is what kept me going. As silly as it sounded the ups and downs kept me sane. I feel so lonely sometimes and so bored. I didnt feel like that when manic.. I never felt bored.. I do now.. I never had many of the emotions that i do now before being “stable’ its a whole new area to me and i told the dr that.. i’m not sure how to “handle” it.. I’m not used to being aware of my emotions and how i feel and being in control..

Dear you,
I don’t know what you want me to say. Things aren’t as clearly black and white as I wish they could be. You want more from me than I can give or understand.

I’ve got walls i’ve built up. I spent so many years training myself not to feel anything. Not to be hurt. Not to feel pain. Not to cry. Not to love. I don’t know how to pull those walls down. They are so high. Seems like every time I try to break one down I put up another in its place. I dont have the energy to be hurt again. I end up hurting others to avoid being hurt.

Part of me really wants to care for you. I enjoy you. I really do. Part of me wants to let you in. Part of me wants to tell you things I wouldn’t tell others. There is a larger part that laughs at the other parts. Because I know I wont. I can’t. You’ll just hurt me like all the rest.

There are many things about me people don’t know. Many things I can’t bring myself to share. And so many reasons i’m the way I am. So much pain, hurt, humiliation. You’ll only bring more.

I want to be your friend. I’m not even sure I know how to do that. LIke i’ve told you before. I trust very few. And its not fair to ask you to jump through hoops. There just isnt enough left of me to give..

Love
Ivy

Addiction has started to take over my life. In more ways than one. The addicted person in my life is my husband. His dependence on pain meds has become an issue. Its controlling everything including me. My emotions are all over the place. I can’t stand to look at him when he is on the meds. My reaction to the way he acts when “on” the meds is bad. I get sick to my stomach and want to throw up. He makes me sick. He is a completely different person while on meds. I hate that person. He goes from clingy, needy, whinny, emotionally unstable to yelling and anger. He is worse than me and my moods (which are now stable). He has a real problem with his back and the MRI to prove it so they keep giving him meds.. Surely by now the drs realize he is addicted. How much of that is real pain vs what his mind is telling him?
I dont know how long I can go on like this. Its draining me. I’m depressed over it. I’m sick over it and I hate that person.

Anyhow. The dr said i’m stable and I can go back in 3 months. The abilify is working wonders for me.. Except now because of dh i’m falling into depression and i wonder if i should bother the dr with it. I doubt meds would help.. I dont know anymore..
I think i’ll go crawl in a hole and cry.