Ivy Tied Up |

Dear you,
I don’t know what you want me to say. Things aren’t as clearly black and white as I wish they could be. You want more from me than I can give or understand.

I’ve got walls i’ve built up. I spent so many years training myself not to feel anything. Not to be hurt. Not to feel pain. Not to cry. Not to love. I don’t know how to pull those walls down. They are so high. Seems like every time I try to break one down I put up another in its place. I dont have the energy to be hurt again. I end up hurting others to avoid being hurt.

Part of me really wants to care for you. I enjoy you. I really do. Part of me wants to let you in. Part of me wants to tell you things I wouldn’t tell others. There is a larger part that laughs at the other parts. Because I know I wont. I can’t. You’ll just hurt me like all the rest.

There are many things about me people don’t know. Many things I can’t bring myself to share. And so many reasons i’m the way I am. So much pain, hurt, humiliation. You’ll only bring more.

I want to be your friend. I’m not even sure I know how to do that. LIke i’ve told you before. I trust very few. And its not fair to ask you to jump through hoops. There just isnt enough left of me to give..

Love
Ivy