Ivy Tied Up |

SO they say i’m stable. Some might not agree.. I feel good as far as moods go. No symptoms lately. So the things i’ve learned or realized might come as a shock to some. Because in the past its been chalked up to just one of my moods.. The moods arent active right now so you cant say its just my moods.

First i’ve learned that life with out moods is just as complicated as life with moods.. I miss the mania. The boredom drives me insane. People expect me to fly off the handle.. They just do..

Then i’ve learned that my marriage is not working and hasnt for a long time. Things were going really well.. And I lied to myself and told myself that things were great and wonderful. I let it convince me things would get better. I’ve learned that I love my husband. Just not how he loves me or says he loves me. I love him like I love everyone else. This is a problem for me. Im still here out of obligation. Thats another problem for me. I don’t know how to quit or how to fail at this although I already feel like a failure. I dont know how to turn this around. My obligation is what i stood up for when i got married. I didnt have these kids to walk away and how do you take them from what they know? My life not only affects me but my kids as well.. Obligation is going to be the death of me. Obligation and fear.

I’ve learned mania is what kept me going. As silly as it sounded the ups and downs kept me sane. I feel so lonely sometimes and so bored. I didnt feel like that when manic.. I never felt bored.. I do now.. I never had many of the emotions that i do now before being “stable’ its a whole new area to me and i told the dr that.. i’m not sure how to “handle” it.. I’m not used to being aware of my emotions and how i feel and being in control..