Ivy Tied Up |

The kids being out of school is literally pushing my sanity button. The older 3 are at each others throats. All I hear all day long is this one pushed this one. hit this one. did this to this one. etc.

Now those of you who have done this parenting thing longer than me.. I dont know how you did/do it. It literally pushes me to the end. The brink of no return. I love my kids but geeze..

And people smile.. Oh they smile when they show their ass in public. And I get to hear,” they are just kids”. They may be just kids but these kids are expected to behave a certain way! Kids or not!

Now my oldest.. She is really trying my nerves. People say,”oh its just a stage” and when I start thinking,”great she can live another day” THEN!!!!!!!! THEN they say,” It doesnt get any better” WTF???????? You tell me its just a stage then proceed to tell me that it doesnt get any better? So what.. right now I just want to choke her.. Eventually i’ll really want to do bodily harm??????? I’ve almost lost my voice from yelling as it is. And yes.. i’ve yelled at her.. i’m the meanest person in the world.. According to her anyhow. I swear she is 8 going on 18… What did I do to deserve this?????????????????????? If she raises her voice at me one more time i’m going to lose it.. And the rolling her eyes.. Her whole attitude like she knows every damn thing on this planet. And she is constantly telling the others what to do and when to do it.. But she can’t follow directions as it is. Then to add to it.. her grades.. Something she could care lessa bout. Oh we are headed down the wrong path. That much I know.. I dont even know how to fix it. Its not like that with the others.. not yet anyhow.

Am I a bad parent? probably not.. Am I a good parent.. Probably not.. But i’ll let her live another day she just wont like her quality of living.. She’ll be grounded until she is 30..

I can’t tell you how long ago I stopped taking my meds. I don’t remember. I dont know why. I just kept forgetting. Now my moods are flip flopping around again and mania is looming and depression too. I’m up and I’m down and i ‘m all over the place.

I flipped out on dh yesterday. Called him a stupid son of a bitch. A term that has never graced my lips before. He keeps asking me whats wrong. Nothing is wrong. Just nothing is right. I just want to be left alone. I’m so irritable. So sad. So down. THEN I’m so excited about Christmas. Something I’ve never been before as an adult either. Normally I loathe Christmas. I hate it. Dread it. Everything about it. But at times I find myself almost giddy with excitement. Then.. I’m back to being down again. Sad even. Then I’m so bored. Can’t find anything to keep me occupied. Its driving me insane. I’m staying on top of the laundry and the dishes and things aren’t piling up yet. I’m just so bored but on top of it all I dont feel like moving out of this chair. I took a bath at midnight last night.. I was bored.

Im going back and forth pretty rapidly. One minute the kids are annoying the hell out of me the next I can’t be bothered the next its just grand because they are so excited Christmas is here. Right now I’m not ready to hate this yet. But the sadness that comes is really bad. I think I’ll go take my meds now.

He doesnt see how I watch him
watch him sleep, eat, think.
He doesnt know how my mind
has memorized everything

I’ve been watching him for years now. I know his every feature. His every line, wrinkle, curl. I watch him all the time. As if he was something rare. A jewel. Something I can see but never touch. It pains me to watch him. To watch him so intently. It hurts deep down inside because I can never get in. I can watch him all I want but he’ll never be what I need. He’ll never be what I want him to be. I long for something I can never have. Yet I can’t put my finger on just what that is. I just know it will never be there. I can’t change him and I cant mold to what he needs me to be. Cant equals wont. I’m not that person.

My wonderful dad.. He bought me a new monitor for christmas!! WOOO HOOOOO It came in today! Look and see..

I loathe christmas shopping. It’s not the giving that bothers me. It’s the push and pull to move down the aisle at the grocery store or any store for that matter. Its how grumpy people become and how rude they become this time of year. The time of year when its about caring and giving and people become just evil! I had to go to the store today for the average run of the mill things that it takes to keep a household of 6 running smoothly.. You know like toilet paper and garbage bags..LOL.. DIAPERS.. And people were unreal.. They were shoving and taking up an entire aisle to look at one little thing. They didnt give a shit that you needed down that aisle. Not one person said excuse me, thank you, please, pardon me, etc. They didnt care!

Anyhow. I’m almost done with my shopping. I’ve got a few people left then the whole Santa things left. I dread shopping this time of year. I’ll get finished this coming weekend after DH gets paid..

Dancing shadows on the walls
play with my mind
my freedom slows

I’m not up
i’m not down
I’m just somewhere in the round

I’m so tired
I can’t sleep
Its been a week

Can’t get up
cant move around
i’m too lost to be found

I want off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone who has constant chaos in their life finds that after awhile it becomes 100% exhausting. Just simply exhausting. You can’t even deal with it anymore because you become a walking time bomb just waiting to go off.. Its just exhausting.. This week was no different.. I guess constant chaos is expected with 4 kids. I dont know. I don’t know many who have 4 kids like I do.. I know a lady with 5 kids and she has chaos too.. Lots and lots of chaos..

Anyhow onto the chaos..
This week in review….

Monday.. Sugar misses school sick..
Tuesday… Diva comes home with project assignment that i’m not looking forward to building..

wed… Get in the shower only for the phone to ring at 9am telling me to go pick up dh from work. Dh passed out at work and started shaking like he was having a seizure. Off to the drs we went. His blood pressure was elevated but the dr thinks itwas a seizure.. If it happens again we are to go to the emergency room. I dont think it was a seizure. his blood pressure has given him some trouble lately so im thinking thats what it was.. That and I don tknow how much of it dh made up compared to what really happened. Or how much was induced maybe from withdrawls? I dont know. I know its ashame I think like that but come on.. This man has put me and my family through hell for the last couple of months. I can’t help but feel like I do and be paranoid. Its pretty much common sense.. Anyone who has been through the ringer is going to be paranoid and overly cautious about what he/she believes and hears.. Anyhow.. Dh misses work wed and thursday..

thursday.. dh spent hte day up my ass annoying me.. THEN!!!!!!!!! The deer head that was hanging on the wall fell and hit sugar in the head!!!!!!!!!! The damn thing has been there for 8 years and never moved. Suddenly out of no where it falls and hits her on the head. she had been playing on the couch below.. Scared the crap out of me. Gave her a good lil gash on her head. Thankfully she is okay and its closed up on its own and all is well.. Still could have been a very bad thing! It was so scary!

Fridayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…. Diva is riding her bike and falls down skinning her elbow and knee really good.. It took 2 large patch bandaids to cover the areas.. Thats how well she did it in..

If things come in 3s.. i’d say we are good for awhile!

So flipping exhausted. I can’t get with it. I feel so bla.. So exhausted all the time. I’m coming down with something too.. A cold.. I can feel it.. I woke up this morning feeling it..

Feeling so run down doesnt do much for my mood.. My moods are taking a toll.. But with all the stress of the last few months its understandable… Right?

I caved. THe stress broke me. Or i’m just weak. I smoked again. I quit Jan 1, 06… Its been almost 2 years and I caved. I can put them down if I want.. I just need to want. I feel like its the best outlet for how I feel.. How sad is that? Then I feel like an ass because i’m hiding it from everyone. I wont smoke around my kids and damn sure not around dh.. The only one who knows is my mom.. I chew gum to keep from smoking.. I crave it constantly. I feel like im slowly going insane. I feel like 2 different people are inside of me.. One who desperately wants change and wants out and wants things that I can’t have.. and another who wants to be content with everything and avoid anything that seems messy or complicated..