Ivy Tied Up |

I’m about as stressed as I could be right now. Our hot water heater has been leaking and we didnt know it till the water reached our bedroom. We spent yesterday cleaning out oru closet (huge walk in closet) and ripping up carpet and the pad under it. From the picture you can see only half our closet. The fan was put in last night to help dry the mess up. There was a Huge mess! Water was everywhere. And to top it off no one around here carries the hot water heater we need.. its a special order! It could have been worse I guess..

I’ve been having connection issues with my Internet for the last few days and tech support is zero help. I’ve had this problem in the past and it seems to be weather related. They literally need to come out here and run a new line but wont do it. Anyhow that wont be an issue after tomorrow because the cable company is coming out to install cable Internet and tv. We haven’t had cable in years. I can’t wait! There is only so many times you can watch the same kids movies over and over again before you start to go a little crazy.

 Bug has been having issues at school. He is staying in trouble and causing problems in the classroom. Apparently he wants to be the class clown. His teacher is at her wits end but wont send him to the principal. I’ve done all I can at home. Punishing him for his behavior at school. Its not working. My suggestion to the teacher was to send him to the principal maybe then he’d take it seriously. Until he learns there are consequences at school for his actions he wont learn. Other than his behavior his grades are good.

 The other kids are doing fairly well. Diva brought her failing math grade up to a 70. Its not heaven but its better than nothing. Sugar is in love still. ONly with a different boy now.. That kid cracks me up but worries me all the same. Wyatt is pretty much doing typical toddler stuff. We’ve found out tantrums are fun and get us no where, but he still proceeds to kick his feet when he doesnt get his way.

I hid my meds again from dh. I hid them last time but he found them. Hopefully he doesnt find them. He knows how mad I was/am over the whole thing. He seems concerned but he is still an addict and an addict can’t be trusted.

Girl scout cookies come in tomorrow.. This is a big deal.  My troop can’t wait to get their cookies. And anyone who has had GS cookies in the past knows they are the best! Last thing I need.. I gained 5 lbs of the 20lbs I lost back.. BLECH!I feel so gross.. I think i’ll donate the cookies I ordered to support the troop.. I think i’ll donate them back to the troop!

I bought 2 ivy’s this weekend. Any dibs on how long they’ll stay alive?

I think thats it for now…

 UPDATE: Cable company didnt show up! Called me at 7pm and asked me to reschedule. They can’t come back till THURSDAY OF NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!!! They offered me a 20$ credit on my bill.. Ticks me off! BIG TIME! because i’m still having connection issues and the damn phone company wont fix them!

He stole my freaking meds! It pisses me off to no end! He stole my anxiety meds. I believe his addiction to anxiety meds (xanax) and pain pills is the reason he is having his “seizures/episodes”. I can’t believe he did it again! He has done it in the past. He stole my pain meds after having the kids. Now he is taking my anxiety meds with out telling me. I know because I counted them! I had 50. There were 18 missing. I had taken 5 and thats it! HE STOLE MY MEDS! I asked him! He said he took 3 yesterday.. 3 my ass! He took more than that! He might have taken 3 yesterday but he took more the day before! Whats so ironic about this shit is that i’m on the pills because I cant handle his addiction and seizures and all the crap thats going on with it. And he is taking my meds i’m taking to try to cope with him and his shit. I dont even know what to do or say i’m just so furious! I will be telling the neurologist about his addiction. Maybe they’ll listen since his family dr ignored me!

To you, who stole everything from me.

This letter has been a long time coming. I owe you for so much. You deserve credit for so much. Considering you’ll be getting out of prison soon for a crime you committed against someone else I figured it was due time I write down my feelings. Maybe I can remove some of the burden i carry with me daily. You deserve credit for that burden. You’ll never be punished for your crimes you committed against me, my sister, or my cousin but we’ll never forget. We’ll never let it go. They say its best to forgive but you my friend i’ll never forgive because I can never forget. You deserve credit for that.

You deserve credit for the fact that I cant sleep at night. For the night mares I have sometimes. For the reoccurring dreams that leave me scared and feeling alone. You deserve credit for those. You deserve credit for my fear. My inability to go out in public with out feeling as if people are watching me and in turn me having to watch everyone’s every move. The panic attacks I have if a stranger touches me..Yes, you deserve credit for that.

The fact that i’ll never let anyone close to me. I hold everyone at an arms length away. Wont ever let anyone near or in for fear they’ll hurt me or take advantage of me. After all someone very close to me that I was supposed to trust did just that.. Yeah that you deserve credit for. Then there is the memories that cause me to panic if someone walks into a bathroom with me. My own husband cant walk into a bathroom with me because I panic and start crying. Your name is written all over that one.

You deserve credit for my unwillingness to hug people. I feel like they are trying to restrain me. Its that whole dont touch me thing. You worked me over good with that one. I owe you for years of therapy that hasnt gotten me anywhere but able to write this letter. I owe you for endless medications trying to make me feel better.

According to my shrink I owe you for many many things. Mainly my inability to trust anyone but myself. That seems to be the main problem for me. And I give you full 100% credit for that. Who else but you could have done that to me. After all you started fucking me over when I was but a SMALL child. You raped me of my innocence and took so many things i’ll never get back.

I live my life trying to protect those that I value the most from people like you. Once you are out of prison i’ll make sure my kids never see your face. You are not welcome around my family. You will never again be part of my family. You deserve credit for that. You made me who I am today. While I have so many things stacked against me thanks to you I’ve also got so much going for me. I struggle daily to cope with all that you’ve done to me. But its made me stronger in so many ways. I’m no longer that 5 year old little girl who broke her arm trying to get away from you and I meant what I said when I was 14. Do you remember? I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you don’t harm another. I feel no pain when I said if you ever touched me again i’d break you. I mean it now if you ever come near me or my children i’ll break you. Thats a promise. Your threats worked on a 5 year old.. They worked when I was 10. I’m no longer scared of you and i’m not scared to tell my story.

You’re the reason I am who I am
Ivy

I had a drs appt on thursday. Which just happened to be my birthday.. I’m lying to everyone and telling them i’m 23 in an attempt to avoid turning 30 in 2 years..

The appointment went okay. I wasnt feeling my best. I was actually feeling pretty crappy. Not sick just not mentally there. He asked how I was and I said okay. I guess saying okay to your shrink isnt okay.. Because apparently to them (or atleast to him) okay means something is wrong.. Who am I to argue.. Something IS wrong. Something certainly is not right. I just dont feel right.. I dont know how I feel. Just not right.

TO say i’m stressed would be an understatement. I’ve started having panic attacks. Its been 10 years since i’ve had panic attacks. Last time I got this stressed out I got really sick and couldnt get well. This time i’m just having panic attacks. I feel like someone is stabbing me in the chest and I cant breathe.. I can’t cope with the stress. I can not handle all the stress being put on me and like I told the shrink. I can’t walk away from the stress and say ,” i dont want to handle this”. It doesnt work that way. I have no choice. I have to deal with this mess.. Its part of my Job. Its part of being mom and wife. Its part of my responsibility. I can’t walk away. I can’t say ,’Okay i’ve had enough i’m done.” I dont have that option. I have to continue dealing with it. I have to continue. Yet i’m not coping or dealing. I’m getting “sick” in some sense of the world. Mentally sick.

The dr put me on ativan for the time being. he was going to put me on klonopin (SPL) but wanted to try what they had given me 10 years ago when i had the panic attacks before. I dont think its working though.