Ivy Tied Up |

I had a drs appt on thursday. Which just happened to be my birthday.. I’m lying to everyone and telling them i’m 23 in an attempt to avoid turning 30 in 2 years..

The appointment went okay. I wasnt feeling my best. I was actually feeling pretty crappy. Not sick just not mentally there. He asked how I was and I said okay. I guess saying okay to your shrink isnt okay.. Because apparently to them (or atleast to him) okay means something is wrong.. Who am I to argue.. Something IS wrong. Something certainly is not right. I just dont feel right.. I dont know how I feel. Just not right.

TO say i’m stressed would be an understatement. I’ve started having panic attacks. Its been 10 years since i’ve had panic attacks. Last time I got this stressed out I got really sick and couldnt get well. This time i’m just having panic attacks. I feel like someone is stabbing me in the chest and I cant breathe.. I can’t cope with the stress. I can not handle all the stress being put on me and like I told the shrink. I can’t walk away from the stress and say ,” i dont want to handle this”. It doesnt work that way. I have no choice. I have to deal with this mess.. Its part of my Job. Its part of being mom and wife. Its part of my responsibility. I can’t walk away. I can’t say ,’Okay i’ve had enough i’m done.” I dont have that option. I have to continue dealing with it. I have to continue. Yet i’m not coping or dealing. I’m getting “sick” in some sense of the world. Mentally sick.

The dr put me on ativan for the time being. he was going to put me on klonopin (SPL) but wanted to try what they had given me 10 years ago when i had the panic attacks before. I dont think its working though.