Ivy Tied Up |

To you, who stole everything from me.

This letter has been a long time coming. I owe you for so much. You deserve credit for so much. Considering you’ll be getting out of prison soon for a crime you committed against someone else I figured it was due time I write down my feelings. Maybe I can remove some of the burden i carry with me daily. You deserve credit for that burden. You’ll never be punished for your crimes you committed against me, my sister, or my cousin but we’ll never forget. We’ll never let it go. They say its best to forgive but you my friend i’ll never forgive because I can never forget. You deserve credit for that.

You deserve credit for the fact that I cant sleep at night. For the night mares I have sometimes. For the reoccurring dreams that leave me scared and feeling alone. You deserve credit for those. You deserve credit for my fear. My inability to go out in public with out feeling as if people are watching me and in turn me having to watch everyone’s every move. The panic attacks I have if a stranger touches me..Yes, you deserve credit for that.

The fact that i’ll never let anyone close to me. I hold everyone at an arms length away. Wont ever let anyone near or in for fear they’ll hurt me or take advantage of me. After all someone very close to me that I was supposed to trust did just that.. Yeah that you deserve credit for. Then there is the memories that cause me to panic if someone walks into a bathroom with me. My own husband cant walk into a bathroom with me because I panic and start crying. Your name is written all over that one.

You deserve credit for my unwillingness to hug people. I feel like they are trying to restrain me. Its that whole dont touch me thing. You worked me over good with that one. I owe you for years of therapy that hasnt gotten me anywhere but able to write this letter. I owe you for endless medications trying to make me feel better.

According to my shrink I owe you for many many things. Mainly my inability to trust anyone but myself. That seems to be the main problem for me. And I give you full 100% credit for that. Who else but you could have done that to me. After all you started fucking me over when I was but a SMALL child. You raped me of my innocence and took so many things i’ll never get back.

I live my life trying to protect those that I value the most from people like you. Once you are out of prison i’ll make sure my kids never see your face. You are not welcome around my family. You will never again be part of my family. You deserve credit for that. You made me who I am today. While I have so many things stacked against me thanks to you I’ve also got so much going for me. I struggle daily to cope with all that you’ve done to me. But its made me stronger in so many ways. I’m no longer that 5 year old little girl who broke her arm trying to get away from you and I meant what I said when I was 14. Do you remember? I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you don’t harm another. I feel no pain when I said if you ever touched me again i’d break you. I mean it now if you ever come near me or my children i’ll break you. Thats a promise. Your threats worked on a 5 year old.. They worked when I was 10. I’m no longer scared of you and i’m not scared to tell my story.

You’re the reason I am who I am
Ivy