I just can’t right now.
Posted by ivy | Under Down and out Thursday Mar 13, 2008I’m not in the mood for anything. I’m so aggravated and pissed off.. At what I dont know. I just want to be left ALONE!!!!! Yet no one seems to understand that. Rather I can’t get alone with 4 kids and a husband who can’t fend for himself. I just need to be left alone. I have to hand it to dh though. He has been off my case lately. Which is really odd because I havent done a freaking thing around here in days maybe weeks. My house looks like a tornado hit it.. I just can’t be bothered to do anything. Actually thats not the whole truth. I dont want to do anything. I’m pissed off because no one respects a single freaking thing I do around here. They come home and throw their shit everywhere and who is left to clean it up? ME! Thats who. And i’m not doing it! I’m just not. I just can’t right now! If I have to pick up another mess that I didnt make i’m going to lose it. I’m going to explode with anger. How hard is it to put your clothes in the dirty clothes? I do it! I dont mind the dishes. I dont mind sweeping the floor and mopping and doing all that must do house hold crap. I really dont. Its when they carelessly destroy it and there are clothes and toys and shoes and TRASH on the floor that I mind. I get pissed off. Its crap! They have no respect! NONE! So i’m finished. I’m on strike. I’m not doing another thing. They are lucky they have gotten me to cook dinner!
I’m so freaking lazy lately. I can’t get with the program. I was doing so good and doing what I was supposed to be doing. I was working out, taking my meds, eating right.. Now I just can’t be bothered. I’m so tired but i’m having trouble sleeping. I think its stress..
I took dh to the neurologist for his “seizures” last friday. She doesnt think they are seizures. She has ordered a big long list of tests but she said the same thing my shrink told me when I told him about dh’s “seizures” . She doesnt know what it is. She said it could be his heart. But she strongly doubts its seizures.. We’ll see what hte tests say. He has them at the end of this month and the beginning of april.
I spoke to Diva’s dr about her going through puberty already. She said its normal at this age to start going through puberty that kids are starting it earlier and earlier now days.. GREAT! Just what I wanted to hear.. I’m so over her mood swings I could scream. We are going to butt heads more than a few times in the next couple of years.. I can tell that now.. She might just be the one to send me over the edge..
You have a lot on your plate Ivy! Well I can sympathize with that….Luckliy sometimes luckily but other times I would say unfortunately…I dont have a H to contend with …not a DH ..no he was anything BUT dear or darling!
But With 3 bad boys of my own..all 3 with there issues Including one with SEIZURES….all those doc. appointments i bet…I know I have that thing..It takes a lot of me when I have to make more than one appointment a day. Its almost unbearable at times…Sometimes I just get so runned down I just want to run away from my responsibilities and just ….SLEEP…i guess and not get up and do my “OWN” thing without worrying about kids or anything else. Missing the days of youth I guess at times….
But in the real world, things must get done..I hate Routine. I hate having to do those Motherly things every single day without change or whatever. I try to Mix it up the best I can change from bathing the kiddos from nighttime to giving them a bath in the mornings..helping them with there homework GETS so MUNDANE…sometimes I just dont want to do it anymore.
Gee, I feel like I’m writing a blog in your comments lol. so let me stop!
Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and make the older kids help out around the house. If they don’t then start rememving the things they care about the most until it gets into their thick heads that Mommy needs help. Put up a board with a list of chores… and reward for a job well done. Soon enough it wil become routine. If you enable them to be messy, they will continue to be. Hugsss darlin’ … I wish I could help.
Ivy, Phoenix is right. Make out a chore list for the kids and elicit some help. Not only will it be helpful for you but it teaches them responsibility and to be a conributing member of the family. That is an important thing for them to learn. It makes them a part of things. It makes them feel good about themselves. You have a lot of responsibility with a disabled husband, the children, a household and no support from family….and you are bipolar.
If you were not bipolar that would be different. But you are and that makes a tremendous difference. We get depressed. We don’t want to do things when we are depressed. We walk an altered path frin those of stability. Some people happily greet the day while some of us pull the curtains tight and wish the light away. Our moods swing. We have moments of great exuberanze followed by hellish descents of depression and pain or pure boredom and no wish to go on living. It is utter terror sometimes. People don’t understand what it is like to cope with that. We feel more acutely.It’s not in our mind. Our mood’s in charge solely.It’s a roller coaster ride. “One minute we’re elated and glad. The next we’re gut-wrenching mad. Tread on down the path til we’re sad.” Until we sink back into a state of stability and acquire a false sense of normalcy. — but don’t count on it lasting!!
So the whole point of my comment is don’t beat yourself up for not feeling like doing anything. You have a recognized disability that is going to dictate that sometimes you can’t do what everyone else can do. Give yourself a break and do the best you can. You are loved and needed. You are a wonderful person, a good mom and wife. I’m wishing you the best.
How are things going Ivy? Hope all is well with you….;0
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