Ivy Tied Up |

I feel so lost lately. I don’t know if its a “mood swing” and part of the bipolar or what. I feel so empty like somethign is missing and i’m looking to fill the hurt and emtpy with something. I’ve spent money I don’t have. I’ve talked to people I shouldnt talk to. I’m trying to fill the void. I just want it to go away. I dont know how to fix it or what i’m looking for and it makes me mad.

I don’t want to deal with anything. Not the kids, not the house, not the husband. I want to be left alone except by those I choose to put into my “circle” at any given time. I want more in my circle but not those currently surrounding me. Those currently surrounding me are bringing me down. (I don’t mean those that I talk to daily because I call you!!! I call you because I want you there). I’m just looking for something and I don’t know what.

I need something. A drink maybe. Maybe some more xanax.. Maybe some more meds.. Maybe I need to stop taking them.. Hell I don’t know at this point. I hate feeling like this. I hate not being happy with anything becuase something isnt right. I can fake a smile and pretend all is well when inside i’m slowly dying becuase something isnt right. I’m fairly good at that.. I just don’t know how to fix it! The meds were supposed to fix this shit!

So I decided I’d try the Veet razorless razor system.. I applied it and waited the time it stated then “shaved off” my hair with the razorless razor.. The process wasn’t bad. It wasn’t hard. It was time consuming though. And the veet does stink. Even the scented ones stink. It wasn’t as bad as what I remember Nair being though. (its been 10+ years since i’ve used nair) Afterwards my legs were nice and smooth. I didnt break out or have any chemical burns like i’d read about in reviews from others but my legs did itch some. They were dry so I had to keep reapplying lotion over and over again. In about 2 days my legs had stubble again only it wasnt the hard coarse stubble you get from shaving it was much softer and didnt irritate me that much. When it came time to shave again I was REALLY let down. The can didnt even have enough left in it to do half of one leg! So for almost 7$ I got smooth legs 1 time!!! I was really aggravated. Needless to say if you don’t mind paying 7$ for a shave its not bad.. If you do or have sensitive skin stick with a razor.. Another thing the goop does leave your hands feeling rather odd after using it.. Even after washing them.. This is one product I wont be buying again.. Waste of money in my opinion..

So maybe i’m a lil manic.. Who knows.. I’m not sure I care anymore. However mania does stupid things.. Mania buys a 250$ camera and a 250$ nintendo wii and then 2 days later thinks WTF did I do? Mania wakes up at 2am well rested and doesnt want to sleep anymore. Mania is irritable and pissed of easily. Mania snaps into defense mode when questioned about anything. Mania can’t handle noise or groups(read family functions) nor can I find my meds.

 How did I lose them? I DONT KNOW!!! They aren’t where I put them.. I’ve been looking everywhere.. I had to have misplaced them.. They were on the counter and now they are not.. Maybe I put them in my purse.. I’ll have to look. Anyhow.. i’m bored out of my mind these last 2 days. Nothing can keep me occupied.. Even the wii bores me.

I have a big family function today. We are having a bbq for memorial day but couldnt have it tomorrow because my kids have school and my sister is packing for her family to go to disney world. The make a wish foundation granted my nephew’s wish. His wish was to meet the power rangers and go to the Mickey mouse club house so they are sending them to disney world on an all expense paid vacation. I am so excited for them. They really deserve this. After all they’ve been through in the last year. This lil boy deserves this so much. I tear up just thinking about it.

I feel like i’m drowning.. I don’t know how else to describe it. I feel so overwhelmed and unstable lately. The main thing that did it was info that diva had failed the 3rd grade. I kinda spiraled and lost alot of ground becuase of the way it made me feel. It was the most horrible feeling. No parent wants to fail and I felt like a complete failure. Well after fighting the school these last 2 weeks they called me yesterday and let me knwo they were passing her. Ya hoo! I still feel unbalanced. I feel better that they are passing her but still unbalanced..

I feel alone lately. I got mad yesterday adn started slamming cabinets because I was trying to tell Dh something and he cut me off and asked if his food was hot yet. It ticked me off big time. He couldnt stop and listen to me for 2 minutes tell him what I needed to tell him. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if he didnt do that ALL THE TIME! I feel so by myself here. No one to talk to. No one listens. I love my kids but talking to kids all day every day and that being your only communication .. it gets old.. I need him to freaking listen to me and let me know he gives a shit what I have to say or whats going on with me.. I need him to care!

I’m sure when I get mad and start slamming things around that its just a ” mood swing” to him.. But you know his moods are worse than mine I think. He throws fits like a 2 year old and believes they are “justified”.

The kids are doing well. School lets out next week for the summer and i’m scared tod eath of having all 4 home all day every day. That makes me feel bad to say that.. But they fight NON STOP.. I”m going ot have to find something active for them to do.. I wish I could afford to send them to a camp so they could have something productive to do during the summer but with gas being as high as it is.. not happening..

Dh is putting me on his insurance at work. Its goign to cost us a small fortune every week but I need it becuase i’ve got some health things going on that I need to deal with. bla.. female stuff.. The endometriosis is acting up and I desperately need to be seen for it.. the pain is starting to build back up.

I think thats it for now..

I went to the dr on Friday. It was that time again.. You know the every 3 months dr appt to see “how i’m doing”. I told him I was fine. Which he doesnt like to hear.. He always asks what that means. I told him things were going okay and that I had stopped taking my meds. I started to continue and he told me to stop and asked why I had stopped taking my meds. I told him I had just forgotten and then once I kept forgetting I forgot even more. I have no idea how long I went with out meds because I lose all sense of time while I”m off meds. I also gained back some of the weight I had lost. I’m more able to “work through stuff” and “focus on a goal” while on meds. Off meds i’m a unorganized mess. Anyhow the dr is convinced that I didn’t just forget to take my meds. He said that subconsciously I started to think I was okay and didnt need the meds so I stopped taking them. And when I realized I wasn’t okay or that things started going badly I realized I needed them and started taking them again. I really thought he was going to fuss at me for going “off meds” but he didnt. Not at all. What he said made sense and I think he is right because I questioned why I needed to go back to the dr because I thought I was doing so well. Hubby on the other hand informed me that I was not exactly doing well that my moods were all over the place. I know i’ve been more irritable lately but I blame it on the circumstances surrounding me lately. You know chaos follows me constantly. I was informed by the school last week that my daughter has failed the 3rd grade. I was devastated and there is way more to the story than i’m going to go into right now as i’m still really upset over this and having trouble coping with it. As her parent I feel like a failure.

My anxiety has been through the roof and the ativan the dr put me on was not working. So he has now switched me to xanax. I don’t like xanax but am willing to give it a try. My reasons for not liking it are based solely on dh’s addiction to them. I’ve hidden them. I dont think he’ll find them as they are not in this house. How sad is that?????

I had a nice mothers day despite the fact that a horrible storm rolled through in the wee early morning hours and the hail (it lasted 20 minutes) damaged my car pretty badly. We had lunch with my mother, sister and grandmother. The kids played outside for hours and are REALLY worn out.. It was a nice day. The weather was perfect (usually is after a horrible storm!)I hope you all had a wonderful Mothers day!

I read a blog post the other day where a lady was asking about grandparents vs. babysitters.. Apparently the lady had “over used” her mother as a babysitter and her mom was feeling less like a grandma and more like the full time babysitter.. The issue of grandparents has been on my mind alot lately. Mainly because my parents are not what I think of when I think of grandparents.

I had the worlds best grandparents. They rocked! We were always at my grandparents house. We went on vacations with them and spent many many weekends there. My grandmother always read us stories and we put on plays for them, sang to them, fixed their hair, cooked with them. They were/are what I think of when I think of grandparents and how they should be. My parents are VERY different from that.

I dont know if its their age. They are edging towards the end of their 40s but still I’m not sure I believe age should matter. They rarely spend time with the kids. My oldest is almost 9 and I can count on my fingers how many times my parents have kept my kids or had them over to stay. They have never invited the kids to come stay with them. EVER. My kids have had to beg them to stay and 99.9% of the time the answer has been no. They have kept the kids when they were “forced”. By forced I mean I was in the hospital having one of the kids and there was no other alternative.

I really feel like my kids have missed out on something big when it comes to grandparents. Maybe I have high expectations.. My husbands parents aren’t worth a shit when it comes to the kids and then my parents refuse to give up their free time. I feel like my kids have gotten the short end of the stick. My dad told me one time that they had raised their kids and now its their time. I get that totally. I’ve never asked them to “raise” my kids. Matter of fact I rarely ask my parents to watch the kids. And 9 out of the 10 times i’ve asked they’ve said no. I just feel like my kids are missing out greatly on what SHOULD be a very special relationship with their grandparents.

My parents feel they are still young and deserve their time.. They are still young and they do deserve their time. But these kids are not going to still be little when they are “older” and are ready to give their time. These kids are going to be grown when my parents are ready to give their time and I think they might be resentful of the little time they were given. Maybe I have it all wrong and i’m selfish or something like that.. I just expect grandparents to be grandparents, or expect them to be like my grandparents were.

And another thing that really makes me say HUH is my parents feel like when they are asked to watch my kids that we are asking them to “raise them” or we are throwing a burden on them.. If thats the case.. WTH were they doing to my grandparents when they hauled us over there every weekend?