Lost….
Posted by ivy | Under Bipolar & Mania, Down and out Thursday May 29, 2008I feel so lost lately. I don’t know if its a “mood swing” and part of the bipolar or what. I feel so empty like somethign is missing and i’m looking to fill the hurt and emtpy with something. I’ve spent money I don’t have. I’ve talked to people I shouldnt talk to. I’m trying to fill the void. I just want it to go away. I dont know how to fix it or what i’m looking for and it makes me mad.
I don’t want to deal with anything. Not the kids, not the house, not the husband. I want to be left alone except by those I choose to put into my “circle” at any given time. I want more in my circle but not those currently surrounding me. Those currently surrounding me are bringing me down. (I don’t mean those that I talk to daily because I call you!!! I call you because I want you there). I’m just looking for something and I don’t know what.
I need something. A drink maybe. Maybe some more xanax.. Maybe some more meds.. Maybe I need to stop taking them.. Hell I don’t know at this point. I hate feeling like this. I hate not being happy with anything becuase something isnt right. I can fake a smile and pretend all is well when inside i’m slowly dying becuase something isnt right. I’m fairly good at that.. I just don’t know how to fix it! The meds were supposed to fix this shit!
Ivy - First of all, I LOVE the new look of your website! : )
It sounds like you’re restless, and could be a side effect of your medication? Abilify does that to me, too. I can’t stand feeling that way, either!! I hope you start feeling better soon…: )
Ivy,
I’m so so sorry to hear about how sad, miserable, lonely, and the hard times you are going through…I know EXCATLY how you feel. I did let the depression get the best of me - I turned to drinking (went on a 10 day binge) ignoring my family, wanting to run away, and kill myself….for some unknown reason I found myself at a Psychiatrists office and next thing I knew I was admitted to Columbia Valley Psychiatric Hospital. There I was all alone - I slept for 2 days - experienced DTs and then looked around and thought what the hell am I doing here? No family members, friends, or spouse - NOBODY was allowed to visit but 2 days during the week for 2 hours. What? What am I doing here??? Then I started remembering why I was drinking…why I wanted to die. I had to go through counseling, sit in AA meetings, group therapy sessions, and tons of medication. The one thing I could think of was hey - right now I don’t have make breakfast, get the kids ready for school, take them here or there, do the laundry, clean the house, put up with a nagging husband, blah, blah, blah. Also, during this time, I was seeing someone else. I missed him terribly! That’s when I realized I wanted a divorce. I was ready to get out of this misery. I wanted to start a new life. Unfortunately, so many people were crushed by this decision but I had to do something. I was dying inside and had lost all hope.
Now two years later, I can truly say I am happy. I never knew that life could be this peaceful. I’m still with the person I was seeing and honestly he was and is my lifesaver…I still have to deal with the decision of a divorce through my youngest daughter. She still blames me for everything. I just hope that one day she can see that it wasn’t ALL my fault, that I do love her very much, and I wasn’t being selfish when I made those decisions.
Please take care of yourself and know that you’re not alone. I think about you often but don’t visit your blog to tell you this. No matter what decisions/choices you make know that someone out there will be thinking about you and wish you the best.
Robin
AKA - Marti
Awww honey… I think with the change of meds that seem to not be working and the kids at home now that you are just overwhelmed. You need some major you time. I don’t know how to help you get it but I can pray that you do sugar. Virtual hugss anytime you need them.
I hate those feelings! They come and go so randomly for me. Thankfully this last week has been much better than the few weeks before for me. I hope you get a good week soon to so you can feel better!
I hope by now that your mood is switching around. That empty feeling is the worst. Maybe your meds need tweaking…I agree that it could be the Abilify…I have several friends who have had that restless syndrome while on it. You are in my thoughts and prayers.