Ivy Tied Up |

Thats how I feel.. I just keep going and going and going and going and its taking its toll.. I haven’t been feeling bad or down or anything.. I’m just kinda flat. Wyatt is trying his damndest to give me a heart attack as he climbs on everything and anything. Diva has this attitude from hell and its making me a nervous wreck. Bug is destructive because he is bored and is interested in doing all the bad little things that boys do when their moms heads are turned and Sugar is as clingy as ever. I can’t wait for school to start. I have felt like a bad mom for feeling like that but i’ve got friends who are barely keeping their heads above water and i’m doing better than them so I can’t be a really bad mom. Can I? I just hate summer time. We are stuck home every day with out a car because dh is taking the car. Its too hot outside for the kids to go outside so they stay inside fighting and driving me up the walls.. My nerves are seriously on edge. And to add to it.. Dh is on my last nerve. He has been up to his usual bullshit and its pissing me off big time.
Thats the latest update..

Well it didnt find me well.. Its been pretty hectic these last few days as I’ve felt MAJORLY out of control emotion wise. Emotionally unstable is the correct term for it. My doctors visit on monday put me in a damper that i’m slowly pulling myself out of. It was nothing but bad news at hte drs office. First we had a talk about my blood work. My cholesterol is high and my fasting glucose levels were too high. She called it pre diabetes and I have to go see a dietitian on friday to get it under control. I’ll have to monitor my levels for awhile and diet will have to control my levels to keep me from going into full blown diabetes.. This is scary to me. Its somewhere I’ve never been before. I knew it was hereditary but I never worried about it. EVER. Now i’m worrying too much about it..

At that same appointment the dr did an ultrasound of my female stuff because I have heavy bleeding and lots of pain and the bleeding lasts 3 weeks instead of 5-7 days.. It showed my uterus was 3x the size it should be and that I have fibriods.. They suggested  a hysterectomy. I’ve needed one since 1998 but got pregnant with the kids and didnt end up getting one. Now they are ready to do it and I can’t afford it. My deductible is 5000$ with our insurance. (dh put me on his insurance at work). There is just no way for me to come up with the $$.

That same morning at the doctors office I broke my expensive pair of glasses.. All I did was take them off and they broke. That would be because wyatt had gotten ahold of them a few months before and twisted them.. I had to go to the eye dr that same day and get my check up so I could get new glasses because I need them to drive.

Its just been a really crappy week.. I’m so busy trying to deal with all this new stuff that I dont know how to deal with it. Its a bit overwhelming. I hope you all are doing well..

Apparently its not that easy to always stay afloat and sometimes we must crash and burn. Thats whats been going on with me recently. As you can tell from my last few blog entries things have been pretty chaotic and I haven’t been really all “there” or thinking “clearly”. I’ve been all over the place.

I think my schedule being disrupted by having the kids out of school really affected me. I tried to create a new schedule and that just threw me even further off. I’d been feeling pretty depressed then would rapidly switch into mania then crash back into oblivion again.

I was pretty close to not knowing which way was up. I just felt desperate to make it all go away and desperate to make the “pain” go away. That should have been a clear sign to me to call the dr and tell him what was going on but did I? No.. No I didnt.. I waited for it to get better on its own and it did thankfully.. Well with meds. I did start taking my meds again. I think that was an important part of getting “better”.

I’d love to say that next time i’ll call the dr when things get like that but when you are like that you just don’t think clearly and going to the dr is the last thing you want to do. I’m sorry to my “blog friends” i’ve neglected recently. I hope you guys are all still around and doing good..