Ivy Tied Up |

Thats how I feel.. I just keep going and going and going and going and its taking its toll.. I haven’t been feeling bad or down or anything.. I’m just kinda flat. Wyatt is trying his damndest to give me a heart attack as he climbs on everything and anything. Diva has this attitude from hell and its making me a nervous wreck. Bug is destructive because he is bored and is interested in doing all the bad little things that boys do when their moms heads are turned and Sugar is as clingy as ever. I can’t wait for school to start. I have felt like a bad mom for feeling like that but i’ve got friends who are barely keeping their heads above water and i’m doing better than them so I can’t be a really bad mom. Can I? I just hate summer time. We are stuck home every day with out a car because dh is taking the car. Its too hot outside for the kids to go outside so they stay inside fighting and driving me up the walls.. My nerves are seriously on edge. And to add to it.. Dh is on my last nerve. He has been up to his usual bullshit and its pissing me off big time.
Thats the latest update..

Well it didnt find me well.. Its been pretty hectic these last few days as I’ve felt MAJORLY out of control emotion wise. Emotionally unstable is the correct term for it. My doctors visit on monday put me in a damper that i’m slowly pulling myself out of. It was nothing but bad news at hte drs office. First we had a talk about my blood work. My cholesterol is high and my fasting glucose levels were too high. She called it pre diabetes and I have to go see a dietitian on friday to get it under control. I’ll have to monitor my levels for awhile and diet will have to control my levels to keep me from going into full blown diabetes.. This is scary to me. Its somewhere I’ve never been before. I knew it was hereditary but I never worried about it. EVER. Now i’m worrying too much about it..

At that same appointment the dr did an ultrasound of my female stuff because I have heavy bleeding and lots of pain and the bleeding lasts 3 weeks instead of 5-7 days.. It showed my uterus was 3x the size it should be and that I have fibriods.. They suggested  a hysterectomy. I’ve needed one since 1998 but got pregnant with the kids and didnt end up getting one. Now they are ready to do it and I can’t afford it. My deductible is 5000$ with our insurance. (dh put me on his insurance at work). There is just no way for me to come up with the $$.

That same morning at the doctors office I broke my expensive pair of glasses.. All I did was take them off and they broke. That would be because wyatt had gotten ahold of them a few months before and twisted them.. I had to go to the eye dr that same day and get my check up so I could get new glasses because I need them to drive.

Its just been a really crappy week.. I’m so busy trying to deal with all this new stuff that I dont know how to deal with it. Its a bit overwhelming. I hope you all are doing well..

The title fits this post for several reasons. First I rarely say i’m sorry to anyone. Because I rarely find myself in situations where I need to say i’m sorry. I’ve been blogging since 2005 and for the first time ever I left a snarky mean comment on someones blog. I still can’t believe I did that. I could say it was just my mood but what a cop out that would be. I hope this person knows i’m very sorry and that I feel horrible about it. I’m a sarcastic ass most days but rarely just mean and I had no right to hurt that person or say hurtful things to/about her.

My second long road to travel is i’m back on my weight loss path.. Last year I lost 20 lbs and stopped exercising and gained the weight back. I just got lazy!!! Not to mention tired! And my moods kept cycling and well thats an excuse but its one that many of us have had.. right?

So my first goal is to lose that 20 lbs that I gained back. It really really sucks to have to lose that 20 lbs again because I could have been losing another 20 lbs instead of doing it over.. So i’m trying harder this time to stay on plan. I’ve joined weight watchers again and in 3 weeks have lost 7.4 lbs. I’m feeling pretty good about it. Wish it were a lil more but I dont think 7.4 lbs in 3 weeks is horrible.  I’ve been exercising and working my bum off… I’m a scale junkie now. I feel the need to weigh ALL THE TIME. I can’t stop. I’m literally addicted to the scale. I weigh before a bath after a bath before i go pee after i go pee.. Its ridiculous.. I can’t stop.. I weigh every morning. If its up i’m down about it but I work harder that day. I have to lose this weight. I can’t keep it on any longer. I’ve been walking atleast a mile everyday. I was doing 2 before I hurt my knee but now I get through my mile and my knee aches so badly! Today I did 2 miles.. I was proud.. My knee is feeling better than it was but its still weak..

Lately i’ve felt weird. I don’t know how to describe it. I keep having these weird feelings. Like i’m watching myself do stuff but its not me doing it. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel like i’m outside myself. I’m just out of it lately.

After a round of antibiotics and LOTS of rest I’m feeling better.. Did I mention LOTS of rest. For about 2 weeks I did nothing but lay around and sleep every chance I got.. I am finally feeling better.. Lots better. I haven’t gone back in yet and had my blood pressure rechecked but plan to do that soon.

With summer coming i’ve got so much to do. I need to get this house cleaned up really well while the kids are still in school. Doing a real deep cleaning is impossible with them all home. The end of school also brings the beginning of hurricane season.

I dread hurricane season. Most people look forward to summer and their vacations.. Me.. I dread it. I dread hurricane season. I’ve got to start stocking up on food and supplies to get us through incase of another hurricane. We always say we are going to get everything we need ahead of time then NEVER do it.. Then we end up in a bind like last time!

I’m sure by now everyone has heard the latest on Miley Cyrus and her vanity fair photos.. I’m not one to jump on the celebrity bashing bandwagon and get all up in their business.. But my girls LOVE Miley Cyrus. I’d rather them like her than Britney Spears. Anyhow.. These photos.. I wouldn’t want my girls to see.. They aren’t that bad but they portray her in a light I don’t want my girls to see her in. What gets me is Miley issued a statement saying the photo spread embarrassed her.. WTH? Please! They didnt embarrass her before hand.. Not until people were upset over them. At first she called it art. She should have been embarrassed when she was in the middle of the shoot not afterwards when the photos are published. If she was older and targeted a different audience than she does I wouldn’t say anything but since she has a following of 8/9 year old girls who worship her, I do have a problem with it. Most of the photos were fine.. There was just a few that were a little too provocative for my tastes when it comes to a teenage star.. If you haven’t seen them yet.. Just google Miley Cyrus Vanity fair photos..

I went to the dr on Tuesday.. I’ve got a sinus infection and my blood pressure was high.. It was 158/110. That might be another reason i’ve been feeling so lousy.. My ears are killing me but the dr says that both ears are clear not even a little redness.. says the pain is from the sinus pressure. He put me on Bactrim antibiotic and said I should start feeling better in a few days. He said nothing about my blood pressure so I’m going to go back in next week and have it rechecked and if its still that high see the dr about it. Thats ridiculous!

I don’t think i’ll ever get better. The sinus infection I had let up and I thought I was better.. Friday evening the ear ache hit. The worst pain ever. I cried myself to sleep.. I’ve been using antibiotic ear drops in it but its not going to fight the cause of the infection (Sinuses) so I’m going to need to go to the dr and soon!

Dh and I have been fighting. Non stop. I’m so over it! He doesnt get it. At all. He can’t seem to understand where i’m coming from. i get where he is coming from. Its his thinking that he works and I dont. Its his money so he thinks that he should be able to spend it however he likes. He just doesnt listen and understand that he made a commetment when he decided to ge tmarried. He wasn’t forced into this relationship nor was he forced to become part of this family. But now he is in it and he has responsibilities and the bills and these kids come FIRST! I NEVER put myself first.. EVER. And i’ve missed out on a lot of things. I do with out most of the time so that the kids and the bills are taken care of. WHY isnt it the same for him? Why? Oh wait thats easy! because its HIS MONEY! asshole!

The kids are doing well.. Diva passed the TAKS(I think thats it) test that she needed to pass to move to the 4th grade.. i still can’t believe that next year i’ll have a 4th grader!

I guess thats it for now..

I can’t wait till monday. It just can’t come soon enough. Spring break has been hard on me. Sick kids all at the same time. Its just too much for any person to handle. And I can’t tolerate the non stop fighting. Part of me doesnt know how I got here. How did I have 4 kids? What on earth possessed me to have 4 kids? Granted none of them were planned. Now I feel guilty for feeling like that. I love my kids more than anything. I put their lives before mine. Easily. I’d do anything for them. But I still don’t know how I got here. I never wanted kids. At times I find it hard to tolerate the things they do and the way they act.. At times I want to run my head into the wall over and over and over again until I pass out from the pain.

I find joy in some of the things they do. Other times i’m aggravated by all the petty crap they do and pull. Like I’ve said a dozen times. I’m not the world’s best mom. I wouldn’t even make it into the top 10 or 100 for that matter. I dont get all giddy over every little thing they do. I’m pretty relaxed about a lot of things and overly strict about others. Sometimes I expect them to be kids others I expect them to be mini adults. I Right now that sounds absurd but its the truth. I dont think they know what I expect from them half the time. How bad am I screwing my kids up with that?

 Right now them being home all this week is really pushing my buttons. I can’t think from all the chaos and noise. DH doesnt understand because he isnt home with them all day. I think he secretly looks forward to monday’s too so he can go back to work and get out of this house. THe fighting is NON STOP between the kids. They are all as different as night and day and the older 3 are always at each others throats. Every day its a new fight over the same old thing. 2 of them gang up on the other one and someone is always left out. Wyatt is too young to be a part of this right now but soon enough he’ll be in there with them.

Even my “good child”(I believe every parent has a good child) has started showing her bum lately. Being in PreK has given her attitude like you wouldnt believe. She comes home with this attitude. She thinks she is hot stuff lately and doesnt have to mind me. She says things she picks up at school and thinks she is going to get away with. Diva and I are at each others throats. I can’t believe the attitude this child has at only 8 years old.

As much as I question how I got here I can’t imagine my life with out these kids. I can’t remember what it was like when they were not a part of it. They drive me completely insane yet if anything happened to them it would ruin my world. If we can just make it through these next few years..LOL.. I dont know how i’ll survive the summer time with them all home day after day, week after week..

I’ve been having connection issues with my Internet for the last few days and tech support is zero help. I’ve had this problem in the past and it seems to be weather related. They literally need to come out here and run a new line but wont do it. Anyhow that wont be an issue after tomorrow because the cable company is coming out to install cable Internet and tv. We haven’t had cable in years. I can’t wait! There is only so many times you can watch the same kids movies over and over again before you start to go a little crazy.

 Bug has been having issues at school. He is staying in trouble and causing problems in the classroom. Apparently he wants to be the class clown. His teacher is at her wits end but wont send him to the principal. I’ve done all I can at home. Punishing him for his behavior at school. Its not working. My suggestion to the teacher was to send him to the principal maybe then he’d take it seriously. Until he learns there are consequences at school for his actions he wont learn. Other than his behavior his grades are good.

 The other kids are doing fairly well. Diva brought her failing math grade up to a 70. Its not heaven but its better than nothing. Sugar is in love still. ONly with a different boy now.. That kid cracks me up but worries me all the same. Wyatt is pretty much doing typical toddler stuff. We’ve found out tantrums are fun and get us no where, but he still proceeds to kick his feet when he doesnt get his way.

I hid my meds again from dh. I hid them last time but he found them. Hopefully he doesnt find them. He knows how mad I was/am over the whole thing. He seems concerned but he is still an addict and an addict can’t be trusted.

Girl scout cookies come in tomorrow.. This is a big deal.  My troop can’t wait to get their cookies. And anyone who has had GS cookies in the past knows they are the best! Last thing I need.. I gained 5 lbs of the 20lbs I lost back.. BLECH!I feel so gross.. I think i’ll donate the cookies I ordered to support the troop.. I think i’ll donate them back to the troop!

I bought 2 ivy’s this weekend. Any dibs on how long they’ll stay alive?

I think thats it for now…

 UPDATE: Cable company didnt show up! Called me at 7pm and asked me to reschedule. They can’t come back till THURSDAY OF NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!!! They offered me a 20$ credit on my bill.. Ticks me off! BIG TIME! because i’m still having connection issues and the damn phone company wont fix them!

There is only so much one person can take before he/she has a mental break down. I feel it coming. building to the edge. boiling.. waiting on me to burst.

Remember back in June when SIL had dh arrested? Well we finally got court papers telling him to be in court on november 27th.. I’m nervous. I’m hoping the charges get dropped.. After all BIL is back with SIL.. FUN!

Then.. Found out the lady who does our taxes has been audited and tons of people she did their taxes they have been audited too.. FUN!

Then you add all the bullshit with dh to the mix and its even more fun only now he is talking about quitting his job with out having another job lined up..

I feel like i might explode at anytime..

Its been a REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL fun week (last week included).. Please please note the HUGE doses of sarcasm please.. Because they are screaming “CAN YOU HEAR ME”..

First.. Me and the 2 boys caught a stomach bug after diva had it over a week ago.. It was then gifted to Wyatt.. Who gifted it to me and bug.. Then Wyatt caught it again. So while we were suppose to do well visits at the drs office today we are stuck home sick and unable to leave the house. It amazes me.. The kids refuse to share anything.. but they’ll damn sure share germs!

Then my phone line keeps going down. It’s the weather knocking it out. We seem to have a bad thunderstorm every afternoon. Not a problem thats part of living in SE Texas.. Only now its pulling my phone line down with it and when the phone goes down.. The internet goes down.. Sometimes i’m lucky and my phone will go down with out pulling my dsl down.. But no.. not that lucky lately..
Not really a huge deal.. Just an annoying Pain in the ass..

A friend called me the other day and told me she is cheating on her husband. Filled me in on all the gory details that I really didnt want to know. So now I feel like im doing something wrong..I almost hope she gets caught. Her husband doesnt deserve it.. I really dont get whats going on lately.. I know a few people cheating right now..

about my last post.. Not much to update.. Waiting on the lawyer to do his thing.. Its pretty much a waiting game now.. I’m not willing to post the details here due to the fact that someone involved might come upon my blog or already know about it and it cause more problems.. But i’ll tell you.. Your worst case scenarios.. Its not that bad.. But its not the least either..

My opinion right now is that shit happens.. Just sit back and watch..

Diva turns 8 on the 18th of this month.. I can’t believe I have an 8 year old.. I really cant.. She has the attitude of a 20 year old and the fashion sense of a 13 year old..

And thank you those of you who sent me emails about my new layout! I appreciate it!