Ivy Tied Up |

I am.. I keep discovering things about myself. The same things over and over again and its getting me no where.. Really.. It is.. Its like being in a maze and having to pee really bad.. Only you cant find the exit.. No instead you just walk in circles over and over again.. That’s really what I’m feeling.

I’m restless.. Can’t sit still. Agitated.. Aggravated.. Etc.. IT comes in spurts.. Cant sleep.. All I do is sleep.. etc.. And the headaches.. Does anyone else get headaches when they get like this? I think its the stress and anxiety and aggravation.. gee.. I wonder..

I’ve been blowing money like its growing on trees.. I am normally count my pennies.. And when I do spend money.. Its damn sure not on me but on Everyone BUT me.. But.. I bet in the last month I’ve spent 500 bucks just to spend it.. Lets see..I bought a new cell.. Needed it so i could give my hubby mine since he broke his.. it was me or him.. I chose me.. ha.. anyhow.. And I bought new clothes, shoes, a fry thing for the kitchen.. Keep in mind.. I don’t eat fried food.. Nor do i like to fry anything.. the grease is gross and sticks to everything.. Lets see.. I bought paint for the kitchen, a new hair straightener.. Dyed my hair black. Bought the kids some new outfits. Then bought me a new necklace, earrings, bracelets, shoes(yeah i know i said that but i bought more), a purse, some make up (which i don’t wear) we ate out alot this past week. More clothes.. I bought some Tupperware, a new shower curtain a movie and some other stuff..Lucky for me.. We had the money.. Instead of bouncing checks and all that jazz.. But I’ll be kicking myself in a day or two and trying to figure out how to repair the damage.. WTF was I thinking??????????????

Hubby will be asking soon about it.. He’s noticed the packages arriving.. He’s noticed the new clothes.. Although he told me I needed new clothes and didn’t say a word.. But at the same time he is so quick to remind me that HE works and I do not so needless to say he makes the money and I don’t.. so its his money and not mine.. I think the fuck head could use a dose of reality and realize that he gets off at 5pm and me.. what time do i get off? You guessed it.. I DONT GET OFF MY JOB IS 24/7.. Ha..!

Anyhow.. This whole his money not mine thing.. Is really starting to eat at me.. His money.. his money his money his money.. It reminds me.. I want to work.. I’m so freaking sick of being at home.. Now all you who are going to say,” YOU HAVE KIDS AND SHOULD FEEL LUCKY YOU CAN STAY AT HOME” I’d be quick to tell you to kiss my ass but I wont because that would be rude.. I’ve been at home for the last 7 years.. I’ve devoted my time to my kids.. I see that their needs are met and their wants when reasonable are met.. Truth is.. I don’t stay home because I can.. I stay home because I have no other choice.. Its cheaper for me to stay home.. We’d never make it if I worked.. We’d be in the hole big time.. Its not reasonable to think we could make it if i worked and pay daycare.. What would the point be? I’ve been craving a work atmosphere for a long time now..

I always loved working. I enjoyed the work. I like feeling accomplished.. I don’t feel that way staying home.. My kids are life.. They don’t make me feel accomplished.. Its just natural for me to take care of them and care for them and be there for them and be their care takers and mold them and raise them and make them good people.. That’s natural. It doesn’t feel like something that is an accomplishment to me.. It feels like something I do because I love them and they are part of me.. It doesn’t feel like I excel at it.. I think some people probably have their jaw dropping because for some people.. Those Lil people they raise.. Do make them feel like that.. I’m sorry.. I wish it was that way for me.. For me.. My kids are my world.. I love them more than anyone or anything else.. They are my FIRST priority and ALWAYS will be.. But its just natural for them.. While being a parent is the most difficult thing in the world and every day its something different with them.. I still need something to make me more than just their parent.. Because I’m more than that.. I’m more than Just a mom.. And I need that other part of me to accomplish something. To make me feel whole..

I don’t like feeling like this isn’t enough. It makes the craving to run away even more fierce. I just want to get out of this house and feel like I’m contributing more.. Because frankly.. I’m a horrible horrible house keeper.. dread every aspect of it.. Hate it with a passion.. I suck at it to be 100% honest.. I feel like its suffocating me.. I’d give anything to be back in the work force.. Working for something..

people around here.. They think I’m nothing.. I’m just a mom.. They don’t have to respect me because i’m not a breadwinner. I do not contribute to their ideas of what someone who deserves respect does.. I’m just so and so’s mom or so and so’s wife.. I’m just a house wife.. Which I know.. They couldn’t do what I do.. I can barely hang and do what I do.. I believe I can do it all.. If only I could afford to do it all.. I’ve only got 4 more years before I can go back to work.. And I’m counting down the minutes.. I’m so tired of feeling like this.. Like the walls are closing in on me..

Kansas Sunflower posted about this on her blog Bipolar and Me.. I found it interesting even though I had seen it before and decided to give it another go with an updated photo that was taken in the last 2 weeks.. This is the exact same matches it gave me last time I tried it out which I THINK was last year sometime when it was posted about on Amazingly Woman.. Give it a check out!

I dont think winter can come soon enough.. The heat actually wasnt so bad for awhile..but the humidity and muggy grossness never left.. it made walking outside completely miserable..

About my house.. The damage we are having fixed.. Is from Hurricane Rita.. She graced us with her presence last year and decided she’d do some damage (about 4,300$ worth) to my house.. Its taken us this long to get contractors secured and the finance co to do their part ect ect ect.. The contractors came and finished the outside.. But we still have the inside left to do.. The contractor never showed up last week for the inside.. if there is one thing I hate more than anything.. its waiting on someone else to do something! Granted non stop rain has put them pretty far behind… BUT I want the mess fixed before hte baby gets here..

Speaking of baby.. Im starting to think that he will never come.. of course he isnt due yet.. But im so tired of being pregnant.. The headaches are making things VERY rough… Just a few more weeks and I wont have to worry about it.. But then there is so much to do in the next few weeks! Stuff to buy.. Starting over is rougher than I thought it would be.. We’ve got so much to purchase for hte baby and then to get the kids in school this week! Its been trying.. Its almost over though!!! Almost!

Things have finally slowed down some. Dad is “back to normal” and has a drs appt on Thursday.. I’m hoping it goes well. I’ve left it alone and havent spoken to him much since.. My mom told me he has a drs appt.. I dont know if she is going with him or not. I’ve walked away from the situation..

Yesterday (The 18th) My Oldest turned 7!!! I cant believe Diva turned 7! She is of course 7 going on 27!! She thinks she is grown and is the boss.. Its unreal how fast these kids grow!

I’ve been feeling MUCH MUCH better. Losing my voice off and on due to the weather but doing much better. Pregnancy is going pretty well. Today was a really good day. Ive had a lil bit of pressure lately making me uncomfortable but anyone who has been pregnant can understand what that means.. The doctor is complaining that i’m not gaining weight. Infact I lost 7lbs at my last drs appt. Now before you all freak about losing weight while pregnant.. Its not a big deal. When you are far from skinny.. I’ve never gained much weight with any of my pregnancies.. Infact I lost weight with 2 o fthem and with the 3rd I stayed the same weight through out the pregnancy until the week I had her then I lost a few pounds. 2 of my kiddos were born weighing 8lbs 4 oz.. The last.. She was premature but had nothing to do with lack fo weight gain.. She was growing non stop and even at 6 weeks early she weighed 5lbs 13oz.. She was going ot be a big baby had she been full term..

I go back to the dr on June 29th.. Then i’m going every 2 weeks.. This is where it gets fun..

Some good news.. FINALLY got new contractors to get my house fixed and finally got the estimates off to the finance co.. Hopefully in the next 3/4 weeks my house will be fixed! That will give me time to get things ready for the baby..

Bad news.. My son wants his ENTIRE room done in Camo.. Floors, walls, ect.. ICK! I said NO! He found some tile for his floor tha tis camo.. Its UGLY!!!!! Dh told him he could have it.. Im like FINE but we are NOT doing the walls camo.. Thing is..Its not just his room. He will have to share it with the baby when the baby is old enough.

OH! One question I keep forgetting to answer…

Is the girl in the pic on my design me?…

HECK NO!!!

I’ve got more than a road map of stretch marks!

Well this last week has been extremely something..

I havent been sick or anything. Just really tired due to my Anemia.. My iron fell too low and Ive been extremely exhausted..More so than normal and extremely cold.. Its 90 something outside..Everyone else in the house is burning up and i have a jacket on..Not to mention..VERY VERY WEAK!!!!!!!! I could barely lift my arms this weekend i was so weak.. I’m back on the dreaded iron again.. So hopefully in a few days i wont be so weak.. This is something i’ve dealt with for a long time..

Last week my Air conditioner went out.. It was 95 outside and like 110 in my house.. It was soooooooooooooooooo nasty in here.. The kids were hot and miserable.. My family had some window units we could borrow but it only cools the living room and my bedroom.. We will need more if we cant get the a/c fixed soon..

I had a drs appt yesterday. The dr todl me he wont allow me to go to sleep for the c section. The risk to the baby are too high since this is a 4th c section and there is a lot of scar tissue.. I’m terrified..He knwos this. He was really understanding and concerned. He promised me it wouldnt happen again and i know that.. but it doesnt ease the fear.. He said they could make me loopy and i wouldnt care where i was at..LOL.. That might work..It MIGHT..
I start counseling this thursday.. We’ll see how it goes..

I had an ultrasound today.. The baby looks great! I’m measuring RIGHT on time for my due date.. And it looks great..

Found out too..

[img]http://www.venusspeaks.com/ivytiedup/photos/data/media/3/Animation200.gif[/img]

And stubborn IS the word for it.. It took an hour to get him to show us what he was.He wouldnt be still.. Kept moving and kicking but when it kicked..He kept his legs together..He was constantly moving his hands.. VERY BUSY LIL ONE!

So his name will either be Aiden Matthew or Wyatt Avery.. Its now up to DH to decide between the two.. Although he told me it doesnt matter what he chooses because i’m going to do what i want to anyhow.. but thats not true.. I do want his input..IF he had any..He doesnt seem to have any.. Everyone keeps asking..Is dh happy its a b oy?

The answer.. is no. He doesnt mind one way or another what it is.. He just wants a healthy baby..Thats what we both want.. We NEED a healthy baby..

Also now our kids will be like this GIRL-Boy-Girl-Boy.. LOL 2 girls 2 boys.. My son is thrilled its a boy..When we told him..he said,”I knew that already”

Sugar however felt differently..she said,”Its a grl”

I told her it was not a girl that she was going to have a little brother..she said okay.. LOL

So we shall see… Things are going smoothly Now to just get my house fixed from the hurricane..still fighting contractors and finance company..

Doesnt begin to describe what i’ve been through in the last 24 hours. The baby is giving me all kinds of problems. I spent all day yesterday in my bathroom sick as a dog.. Today.. I’m extremely sore from that ordeal. My whole body hurts. My ribs, back, legs,everything. It hurts to breathe. Today im taking it easy… This has been a rough week. A VERY rough week.. I’m 16 weeks tom.. Will update as soon as I’m feeling better.. As it hurts to sit or do anything.. my whole body feels like i’ve had the flu..

15 weeks now. Oye!

lets see.. First.. I slept for like 12 hours yesterday. I went to bed at 4:30pm. I was exhausted.

2nd. The meds the dr gave me are great! They help. Atleast after taking them I can brush my teeth!!

3rd.. My face now looks like road kill.. I’m broken out.. And it has me depressed.. (oh well.. it will all be over soon enough anyhow right?)

4th.. 4 fingernails have broken.. LOL.. Stuff happens..

I’m starting to get some appetite back.. Which is good.. Now if i can just shove in more water.. My skin is so dried out. I’m using lotion but its not helping..I’m trying to drink more fluids.. I just cant seem to get enough in me.. The dry skin is so bad that I scratched in my sleep the other day and now have marks all over my chest..

Im really outgrowing my clothes. My shirts mainly are too tight to wear comfortably..Even my tshirts. The only thing i’m left with is tank tops and I refuse to wear them with out a shirt or light jacket over it because they look so tacky imo.. Atleast on me they do.. I’m down to 1 pair of pants.. Oh the joys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exciting news.. At my next drs appt i’ll be able to set up my next ultrasound. I’ll be 18 weeks.. I’m going to see if i can set up my ultrasound for 20 weeks.. Cant wait.. I really wanna find out if its a girl or boy.. It doesnt really matter which it is.But I still want to know..KWIM! Thats all for now..Nothing real exciting yet! few more weeks before the exciting stuff really starts..

This has been one of the best pregnancies ive had.. Even with the sickness.. Its mild compared to my last 3 pregnancies.. I feel pretty good.. Just sleepy.. What makes me the happiest.. is my nails look totally great! They are growing. Thsi is the longest they’ve ever been on their own and they are finally worth painting and filing.. Also.. My face isnt broken out bad like it was with my otheres.. I still break out occassionally but NOTHING like i did with them..

The constant tiredness is threatening to take over..

I’m finding with this pregnancy there are alot more “rules” than there were 4 years ago. There is alot more things that people are saying you shouldnt eat.. That I ate with my other 3 and have 3 perfectly fine kiddos.. They are things I have always eaten that have never caused me or my pregnancies a problem. So my friend who is ridding my ass over this is really starting to get to me.. My food choices are limited.. The sickness keeps them pretty limited..So when i can finally find something I can stomach..She tells me<”Oh no you cant have that” what do you mean I cant have that! It was always fine int he past and ive got 3 kiddos who are just fine..

To my blog where i’ll track my pregnancy.. I didn’t want to use my main blog for that.. Even if it has been extremely slow lately.. I know not everyone is interested in my pregnancy.. Hey some people just arent.. And i’m 100% okay with that.. So this is for those who are..
First.. I’m due September 16. of course this being a scheduled c section.. The baby will be born much closer to the end of August beginning of September depending on how things go at the end. I had an ultrasound verifying due date on Feb 28th.. Everything looked good! The babies heart beat was 163..

My next doctors appt is on March 20th.. I’ll be 14 weeks..

The morning sickness hasnt been TOOOOOOOOO bad this time around.. Its been off and on.. Its mostly at night now but when I do have it.. It lasts into the next day.. It will stay for about 2 or 3 days just all day long and be really bad.. But then it goes away and i’m fine for a few days. The main issue.. Is just pure exhaustion.. Complete exhaustion… Seems i havent gotten off the couch in weeks.. BUT even though i’m exhausted.. My insomnia is really bad.. So tired but cant sleep.. But dont have the energy to move..

So when i get a sudden burst of energy.. i have to go with it and clean while I can..

The kids are excited but Sugar also doesnt understand. She keeps thinking the baby is going to pop out at any time.. hmm doesnt work that way kiddo!

Everyone has their opinions on what this kiddo is.. Boy vs girl..

My mom says girl.. Even though she wants a boy big time..She believes its a girl.. She was right with each of my kids.. .. But everyone else. They say its a boy.. so we’ll see!

Here is a cast of the characters in my life. You may see them referred to as other names through out my “play”, but it should never be too hard to figure out.

Dh: Dear hubby. However at any time may also mean Dick Head. You may also see him referred to as Jack Ass, Ass wipe, and another long list. But most of the time it will be Dh.

Toot, Diva, Princess, Drama Queen, Monk: My Oldest daughter. She is now 8. She is very much all the things listed. Except for “Monk” her pawpaw gave her that name.

Bug, C Man, Lil Man: My oldest son. He is 6 1/2 now. He is all things that little boys are.. He loves cars and trucks and making things fall apart. His new hobby is making sure that his sisters are miserable and that he can still make them cry. .

Lil’ Bit, Sugar or Sugar Mama, Punkin: My youngest daughter. She is such a jewel. 100% Rotten. dh nicknamed her Sugar Mama. She will turn 5 in September and I can’t believe how big she has gotten. She is still my baby though!

Wyatt.. He doesnt have a nickname really.. Just wyatt.. .. He is the baby.. Turns 1 on September 1st!

Monster In Laws, FIL, MIL: Ah the idiots who live next door and are dead set on making my life completely miserable. They go out of their way to make sure i’m well taken care of in that area. This is my husbands dad and his step mom. They go out of their way to see that there is alwasy drama going on. FYI they may also be referred to as the fuck heads next door.

That sums it up for now..