Ivy Tied Up |

Things have been rather up in the air lately. Not really going well. Dh has been the usual asshole that he is so good at being.. The kids are driving me mad but they’ll be going back to school in 2 weeks.  Dh has had my nerves on edge.. If its not one thing with him its another. He is badly addicted to pain pills. Its causing us all kinds of problems and he is constantly telling me he is in pain. The amount of pain pills he is putting into his body is causing other problems. A lil tmi here but its caused severe constipation to the point of where I had to haul him to hte hospital the other day. All this bullshit is just getting old. he is causing his own problems and i’m tired of dealing with them. He is moody and its annoying.

I’m looking into becoming a substitute teacher at my kids school to get my out of the house.. We’ll see how that goes..

Otherwise i’m doing fine.. I go back to the dr on the 28th.. i’m falling between mania and depression alot.. I think he needs to increase my meds. I feel like thins will never get better then I remember they could be worse..

Apparently its not that easy to always stay afloat and sometimes we must crash and burn. Thats whats been going on with me recently. As you can tell from my last few blog entries things have been pretty chaotic and I haven’t been really all “there” or thinking “clearly”. I’ve been all over the place.

I think my schedule being disrupted by having the kids out of school really affected me. I tried to create a new schedule and that just threw me even further off. I’d been feeling pretty depressed then would rapidly switch into mania then crash back into oblivion again.

I was pretty close to not knowing which way was up. I just felt desperate to make it all go away and desperate to make the “pain” go away. That should have been a clear sign to me to call the dr and tell him what was going on but did I? No.. No I didnt.. I waited for it to get better on its own and it did thankfully.. Well with meds. I did start taking my meds again. I think that was an important part of getting “better”.

I’d love to say that next time i’ll call the dr when things get like that but when you are like that you just don’t think clearly and going to the dr is the last thing you want to do. I’m sorry to my “blog friends” i’ve neglected recently. I hope you guys are all still around and doing good..

Yes, i’ve come to the conclusion i’m falling into the depths of mania. I don’t know what I want. I”m irritable and easily annoyed. I need peace and quiet yet feel like i’m coming out of my head. Any little noise annoys me.. Things are just not going great..

I feel so lost lately. I don’t know if its a “mood swing” and part of the bipolar or what. I feel so empty like somethign is missing and i’m looking to fill the hurt and emtpy with something. I’ve spent money I don’t have. I’ve talked to people I shouldnt talk to. I’m trying to fill the void. I just want it to go away. I dont know how to fix it or what i’m looking for and it makes me mad.

I don’t want to deal with anything. Not the kids, not the house, not the husband. I want to be left alone except by those I choose to put into my “circle” at any given time. I want more in my circle but not those currently surrounding me. Those currently surrounding me are bringing me down. (I don’t mean those that I talk to daily because I call you!!! I call you because I want you there). I’m just looking for something and I don’t know what.

I need something. A drink maybe. Maybe some more xanax.. Maybe some more meds.. Maybe I need to stop taking them.. Hell I don’t know at this point. I hate feeling like this. I hate not being happy with anything becuase something isnt right. I can fake a smile and pretend all is well when inside i’m slowly dying becuase something isnt right. I’m fairly good at that.. I just don’t know how to fix it! The meds were supposed to fix this shit!

So maybe i’m a lil manic.. Who knows.. I’m not sure I care anymore. However mania does stupid things.. Mania buys a 250$ camera and a 250$ nintendo wii and then 2 days later thinks WTF did I do? Mania wakes up at 2am well rested and doesnt want to sleep anymore. Mania is irritable and pissed of easily. Mania snaps into defense mode when questioned about anything. Mania can’t handle noise or groups(read family functions) nor can I find my meds.

 How did I lose them? I DONT KNOW!!! They aren’t where I put them.. I’ve been looking everywhere.. I had to have misplaced them.. They were on the counter and now they are not.. Maybe I put them in my purse.. I’ll have to look. Anyhow.. i’m bored out of my mind these last 2 days. Nothing can keep me occupied.. Even the wii bores me.

I have a big family function today. We are having a bbq for memorial day but couldnt have it tomorrow because my kids have school and my sister is packing for her family to go to disney world. The make a wish foundation granted my nephew’s wish. His wish was to meet the power rangers and go to the Mickey mouse club house so they are sending them to disney world on an all expense paid vacation. I am so excited for them. They really deserve this. After all they’ve been through in the last year. This lil boy deserves this so much. I tear up just thinking about it.

I feel like i’m drowning.. I don’t know how else to describe it. I feel so overwhelmed and unstable lately. The main thing that did it was info that diva had failed the 3rd grade. I kinda spiraled and lost alot of ground becuase of the way it made me feel. It was the most horrible feeling. No parent wants to fail and I felt like a complete failure. Well after fighting the school these last 2 weeks they called me yesterday and let me knwo they were passing her. Ya hoo! I still feel unbalanced. I feel better that they are passing her but still unbalanced..

I feel alone lately. I got mad yesterday adn started slamming cabinets because I was trying to tell Dh something and he cut me off and asked if his food was hot yet. It ticked me off big time. He couldnt stop and listen to me for 2 minutes tell him what I needed to tell him. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if he didnt do that ALL THE TIME! I feel so by myself here. No one to talk to. No one listens. I love my kids but talking to kids all day every day and that being your only communication .. it gets old.. I need him to freaking listen to me and let me know he gives a shit what I have to say or whats going on with me.. I need him to care!

I’m sure when I get mad and start slamming things around that its just a ” mood swing” to him.. But you know his moods are worse than mine I think. He throws fits like a 2 year old and believes they are “justified”.

The kids are doing well. School lets out next week for the summer and i’m scared tod eath of having all 4 home all day every day. That makes me feel bad to say that.. But they fight NON STOP.. I”m going ot have to find something active for them to do.. I wish I could afford to send them to a camp so they could have something productive to do during the summer but with gas being as high as it is.. not happening..

Dh is putting me on his insurance at work. Its goign to cost us a small fortune every week but I need it becuase i’ve got some health things going on that I need to deal with. bla.. female stuff.. The endometriosis is acting up and I desperately need to be seen for it.. the pain is starting to build back up.

I think thats it for now..

I went to the dr on Friday. It was that time again.. You know the every 3 months dr appt to see “how i’m doing”. I told him I was fine. Which he doesnt like to hear.. He always asks what that means. I told him things were going okay and that I had stopped taking my meds. I started to continue and he told me to stop and asked why I had stopped taking my meds. I told him I had just forgotten and then once I kept forgetting I forgot even more. I have no idea how long I went with out meds because I lose all sense of time while I”m off meds. I also gained back some of the weight I had lost. I’m more able to “work through stuff” and “focus on a goal” while on meds. Off meds i’m a unorganized mess. Anyhow the dr is convinced that I didn’t just forget to take my meds. He said that subconsciously I started to think I was okay and didnt need the meds so I stopped taking them. And when I realized I wasn’t okay or that things started going badly I realized I needed them and started taking them again. I really thought he was going to fuss at me for going “off meds” but he didnt. Not at all. What he said made sense and I think he is right because I questioned why I needed to go back to the dr because I thought I was doing so well. Hubby on the other hand informed me that I was not exactly doing well that my moods were all over the place. I know i’ve been more irritable lately but I blame it on the circumstances surrounding me lately. You know chaos follows me constantly. I was informed by the school last week that my daughter has failed the 3rd grade. I was devastated and there is way more to the story than i’m going to go into right now as i’m still really upset over this and having trouble coping with it. As her parent I feel like a failure.

My anxiety has been through the roof and the ativan the dr put me on was not working. So he has now switched me to xanax. I don’t like xanax but am willing to give it a try. My reasons for not liking it are based solely on dh’s addiction to them. I’ve hidden them. I dont think he’ll find them as they are not in this house. How sad is that?????

I had a nice mothers day despite the fact that a horrible storm rolled through in the wee early morning hours and the hail (it lasted 20 minutes) damaged my car pretty badly. We had lunch with my mother, sister and grandmother. The kids played outside for hours and are REALLY worn out.. It was a nice day. The weather was perfect (usually is after a horrible storm!)I hope you all had a wonderful Mothers day!