Ivy Tied Up |

Things have been rather up in the air lately. Not really going well. Dh has been the usual asshole that he is so good at being.. The kids are driving me mad but they’ll be going back to school in 2 weeks.  Dh has had my nerves on edge.. If its not one thing with him its another. He is badly addicted to pain pills. Its causing us all kinds of problems and he is constantly telling me he is in pain. The amount of pain pills he is putting into his body is causing other problems. A lil tmi here but its caused severe constipation to the point of where I had to haul him to hte hospital the other day. All this bullshit is just getting old. he is causing his own problems and i’m tired of dealing with them. He is moody and its annoying.

I’m looking into becoming a substitute teacher at my kids school to get my out of the house.. We’ll see how that goes..

Otherwise i’m doing fine.. I go back to the dr on the 28th.. i’m falling between mania and depression alot.. I think he needs to increase my meds. I feel like thins will never get better then I remember they could be worse..

Well it didnt find me well.. Its been pretty hectic these last few days as I’ve felt MAJORLY out of control emotion wise. Emotionally unstable is the correct term for it. My doctors visit on monday put me in a damper that i’m slowly pulling myself out of. It was nothing but bad news at hte drs office. First we had a talk about my blood work. My cholesterol is high and my fasting glucose levels were too high. She called it pre diabetes and I have to go see a dietitian on friday to get it under control. I’ll have to monitor my levels for awhile and diet will have to control my levels to keep me from going into full blown diabetes.. This is scary to me. Its somewhere I’ve never been before. I knew it was hereditary but I never worried about it. EVER. Now i’m worrying too much about it..

At that same appointment the dr did an ultrasound of my female stuff because I have heavy bleeding and lots of pain and the bleeding lasts 3 weeks instead of 5-7 days.. It showed my uterus was 3x the size it should be and that I have fibriods.. They suggested  a hysterectomy. I’ve needed one since 1998 but got pregnant with the kids and didnt end up getting one. Now they are ready to do it and I can’t afford it. My deductible is 5000$ with our insurance. (dh put me on his insurance at work). There is just no way for me to come up with the $$.

That same morning at the doctors office I broke my expensive pair of glasses.. All I did was take them off and they broke. That would be because wyatt had gotten ahold of them a few months before and twisted them.. I had to go to the eye dr that same day and get my check up so I could get new glasses because I need them to drive.

Its just been a really crappy week.. I’m so busy trying to deal with all this new stuff that I dont know how to deal with it. Its a bit overwhelming. I hope you all are doing well..

I went to the dr on Friday. It was that time again.. You know the every 3 months dr appt to see “how i’m doing”. I told him I was fine. Which he doesnt like to hear.. He always asks what that means. I told him things were going okay and that I had stopped taking my meds. I started to continue and he told me to stop and asked why I had stopped taking my meds. I told him I had just forgotten and then once I kept forgetting I forgot even more. I have no idea how long I went with out meds because I lose all sense of time while I”m off meds. I also gained back some of the weight I had lost. I’m more able to “work through stuff” and “focus on a goal” while on meds. Off meds i’m a unorganized mess. Anyhow the dr is convinced that I didn’t just forget to take my meds. He said that subconsciously I started to think I was okay and didnt need the meds so I stopped taking them. And when I realized I wasn’t okay or that things started going badly I realized I needed them and started taking them again. I really thought he was going to fuss at me for going “off meds” but he didnt. Not at all. What he said made sense and I think he is right because I questioned why I needed to go back to the dr because I thought I was doing so well. Hubby on the other hand informed me that I was not exactly doing well that my moods were all over the place. I know i’ve been more irritable lately but I blame it on the circumstances surrounding me lately. You know chaos follows me constantly. I was informed by the school last week that my daughter has failed the 3rd grade. I was devastated and there is way more to the story than i’m going to go into right now as i’m still really upset over this and having trouble coping with it. As her parent I feel like a failure.

My anxiety has been through the roof and the ativan the dr put me on was not working. So he has now switched me to xanax. I don’t like xanax but am willing to give it a try. My reasons for not liking it are based solely on dh’s addiction to them. I’ve hidden them. I dont think he’ll find them as they are not in this house. How sad is that?????

I had a nice mothers day despite the fact that a horrible storm rolled through in the wee early morning hours and the hail (it lasted 20 minutes) damaged my car pretty badly. We had lunch with my mother, sister and grandmother. The kids played outside for hours and are REALLY worn out.. It was a nice day. The weather was perfect (usually is after a horrible storm!)I hope you all had a wonderful Mothers day!