Ivy Tied Up |

Well it didnt find me well.. Its been pretty hectic these last few days as I’ve felt MAJORLY out of control emotion wise. Emotionally unstable is the correct term for it. My doctors visit on monday put me in a damper that i’m slowly pulling myself out of. It was nothing but bad news at hte drs office. First we had a talk about my blood work. My cholesterol is high and my fasting glucose levels were too high. She called it pre diabetes and I have to go see a dietitian on friday to get it under control. I’ll have to monitor my levels for awhile and diet will have to control my levels to keep me from going into full blown diabetes.. This is scary to me. Its somewhere I’ve never been before. I knew it was hereditary but I never worried about it. EVER. Now i’m worrying too much about it..

At that same appointment the dr did an ultrasound of my female stuff because I have heavy bleeding and lots of pain and the bleeding lasts 3 weeks instead of 5-7 days.. It showed my uterus was 3x the size it should be and that I have fibriods.. They suggested  a hysterectomy. I’ve needed one since 1998 but got pregnant with the kids and didnt end up getting one. Now they are ready to do it and I can’t afford it. My deductible is 5000$ with our insurance. (dh put me on his insurance at work). There is just no way for me to come up with the $$.

That same morning at the doctors office I broke my expensive pair of glasses.. All I did was take them off and they broke. That would be because wyatt had gotten ahold of them a few months before and twisted them.. I had to go to the eye dr that same day and get my check up so I could get new glasses because I need them to drive.

Its just been a really crappy week.. I’m so busy trying to deal with all this new stuff that I dont know how to deal with it. Its a bit overwhelming. I hope you all are doing well..

Apparently its not that easy to always stay afloat and sometimes we must crash and burn. Thats whats been going on with me recently. As you can tell from my last few blog entries things have been pretty chaotic and I haven’t been really all “there” or thinking “clearly”. I’ve been all over the place.

I think my schedule being disrupted by having the kids out of school really affected me. I tried to create a new schedule and that just threw me even further off. I’d been feeling pretty depressed then would rapidly switch into mania then crash back into oblivion again.

I was pretty close to not knowing which way was up. I just felt desperate to make it all go away and desperate to make the “pain” go away. That should have been a clear sign to me to call the dr and tell him what was going on but did I? No.. No I didnt.. I waited for it to get better on its own and it did thankfully.. Well with meds. I did start taking my meds again. I think that was an important part of getting “better”.

I’d love to say that next time i’ll call the dr when things get like that but when you are like that you just don’t think clearly and going to the dr is the last thing you want to do. I’m sorry to my “blog friends” i’ve neglected recently. I hope you guys are all still around and doing good..

The title fits this post for several reasons. First I rarely say i’m sorry to anyone. Because I rarely find myself in situations where I need to say i’m sorry. I’ve been blogging since 2005 and for the first time ever I left a snarky mean comment on someones blog. I still can’t believe I did that. I could say it was just my mood but what a cop out that would be. I hope this person knows i’m very sorry and that I feel horrible about it. I’m a sarcastic ass most days but rarely just mean and I had no right to hurt that person or say hurtful things to/about her.

My second long road to travel is i’m back on my weight loss path.. Last year I lost 20 lbs and stopped exercising and gained the weight back. I just got lazy!!! Not to mention tired! And my moods kept cycling and well thats an excuse but its one that many of us have had.. right?

So my first goal is to lose that 20 lbs that I gained back. It really really sucks to have to lose that 20 lbs again because I could have been losing another 20 lbs instead of doing it over.. So i’m trying harder this time to stay on plan. I’ve joined weight watchers again and in 3 weeks have lost 7.4 lbs. I’m feeling pretty good about it. Wish it were a lil more but I dont think 7.4 lbs in 3 weeks is horrible.  I’ve been exercising and working my bum off… I’m a scale junkie now. I feel the need to weigh ALL THE TIME. I can’t stop. I’m literally addicted to the scale. I weigh before a bath after a bath before i go pee after i go pee.. Its ridiculous.. I can’t stop.. I weigh every morning. If its up i’m down about it but I work harder that day. I have to lose this weight. I can’t keep it on any longer. I’ve been walking atleast a mile everyday. I was doing 2 before I hurt my knee but now I get through my mile and my knee aches so badly! Today I did 2 miles.. I was proud.. My knee is feeling better than it was but its still weak..

Lately i’ve felt weird. I don’t know how to describe it. I keep having these weird feelings. Like i’m watching myself do stuff but its not me doing it. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel like i’m outside myself. I’m just out of it lately.

I feel so lost lately. I don’t know if its a “mood swing” and part of the bipolar or what. I feel so empty like somethign is missing and i’m looking to fill the hurt and emtpy with something. I’ve spent money I don’t have. I’ve talked to people I shouldnt talk to. I’m trying to fill the void. I just want it to go away. I dont know how to fix it or what i’m looking for and it makes me mad.

I don’t want to deal with anything. Not the kids, not the house, not the husband. I want to be left alone except by those I choose to put into my “circle” at any given time. I want more in my circle but not those currently surrounding me. Those currently surrounding me are bringing me down. (I don’t mean those that I talk to daily because I call you!!! I call you because I want you there). I’m just looking for something and I don’t know what.

I need something. A drink maybe. Maybe some more xanax.. Maybe some more meds.. Maybe I need to stop taking them.. Hell I don’t know at this point. I hate feeling like this. I hate not being happy with anything becuase something isnt right. I can fake a smile and pretend all is well when inside i’m slowly dying becuase something isnt right. I’m fairly good at that.. I just don’t know how to fix it! The meds were supposed to fix this shit!

I went to the dr on Tuesday.. I’ve got a sinus infection and my blood pressure was high.. It was 158/110. That might be another reason i’ve been feeling so lousy.. My ears are killing me but the dr says that both ears are clear not even a little redness.. says the pain is from the sinus pressure. He put me on Bactrim antibiotic and said I should start feeling better in a few days. He said nothing about my blood pressure so I’m going to go back in next week and have it rechecked and if its still that high see the dr about it. Thats ridiculous!

I don’t think i’ll ever get better. The sinus infection I had let up and I thought I was better.. Friday evening the ear ache hit. The worst pain ever. I cried myself to sleep.. I’ve been using antibiotic ear drops in it but its not going to fight the cause of the infection (Sinuses) so I’m going to need to go to the dr and soon!

Dh and I have been fighting. Non stop. I’m so over it! He doesnt get it. At all. He can’t seem to understand where i’m coming from. i get where he is coming from. Its his thinking that he works and I dont. Its his money so he thinks that he should be able to spend it however he likes. He just doesnt listen and understand that he made a commetment when he decided to ge tmarried. He wasn’t forced into this relationship nor was he forced to become part of this family. But now he is in it and he has responsibilities and the bills and these kids come FIRST! I NEVER put myself first.. EVER. And i’ve missed out on a lot of things. I do with out most of the time so that the kids and the bills are taken care of. WHY isnt it the same for him? Why? Oh wait thats easy! because its HIS MONEY! asshole!

The kids are doing well.. Diva passed the TAKS(I think thats it) test that she needed to pass to move to the 4th grade.. i still can’t believe that next year i’ll have a 4th grader!

I guess thats it for now..

It never fails. Every year I get sick at this time. This year it has hit full force. Its been a week now.. Every bit of it is sinuses. I’ve had my voice fade in and out. I’ve been unable to breathe.. I’ve had chills off and on. Sneezing non stop and watery eyes that run non stop. I’ve felt like complete crap for what feels like forever now. The kids are wearing me out very easily. My asthma is making talking for long difficult. All i’ve done is lay around for a week. I’m feeling a bit better today but still really tired and worn out.. My head is still congested and the meds are all crap. Here is to feeling better soon!

I’m not in the mood for anything. I’m so aggravated and pissed off.. At what I dont know. I just want to be left ALONE!!!!! Yet no one seems to understand that. Rather I can’t get alone with 4 kids and a husband who can’t fend for himself. I just need to be left alone. I have to hand it to dh though. He has been off my case lately. Which is really odd because I havent done a freaking thing around here in days maybe weeks. My house looks like a tornado hit it.. I just can’t be bothered to do anything. Actually thats not the whole truth. I dont want to do anything. I’m pissed off because no one respects a single freaking thing I do around here. They come home and throw their shit everywhere and who is left to clean it up? ME! Thats who. And i’m not doing it! I’m just not. I just can’t right now! If I have to pick up another mess that I didnt make i’m going to lose it. I’m going to explode with anger. How hard is it to put your clothes in the dirty clothes? I do it! I dont mind the dishes. I dont mind sweeping the floor and mopping and doing all that must do house hold crap. I really dont. Its when they carelessly destroy it and there are clothes and toys and shoes and TRASH on the floor that I mind. I get pissed off. Its crap! They have no respect! NONE! So i’m finished. I’m on strike. I’m not doing another thing.  They are lucky they have gotten me to cook dinner!

 I’m so freaking lazy lately. I can’t get with the program. I was doing so good and doing what I was supposed to be doing. I was working out, taking my meds, eating right.. Now I just can’t be bothered. I’m so tired but i’m having trouble sleeping. I think its stress..

I took dh to the neurologist for his “seizures” last friday. She doesnt think they are seizures. She has ordered a big long list of tests but she said the same thing my shrink told me when I told him about dh’s “seizures” .  She doesnt know what it is. She said it could be his heart. But she strongly doubts its seizures.. We’ll see what hte tests say. He has them at the end of this month and the beginning of april.

 I spoke to Diva’s dr about her going through puberty already. She said its normal at this age to start going through puberty that kids are starting it earlier and earlier now days.. GREAT! Just what I wanted to hear.. I’m so over her mood swings I could scream. We are going to butt heads more than a few times in the next couple of years.. I can tell that now.. She might just be the one to send me over the edge..

I’m about as stressed as I could be right now. Our hot water heater has been leaking and we didnt know it till the water reached our bedroom. We spent yesterday cleaning out oru closet (huge walk in closet) and ripping up carpet and the pad under it. From the picture you can see only half our closet. The fan was put in last night to help dry the mess up. There was a Huge mess! Water was everywhere. And to top it off no one around here carries the hot water heater we need.. its a special order! It could have been worse I guess..

I’ve been a little down and everyone thinks I shouldn’t be. Lucky for me. They don’t control how I feel. I can’t help how I feel right now. I’m just down. I’m tired. I’m crabby. Did I mention tired?
Today would have been my brothers 10th birthday. God has it been that long since he passed? He was three when he passed away. I still can’t believe its been that long. And today the pain is still pretty raw. He passed away when I was due with my oldest. Every year my daughters birthday is a reminder that its been another year since he has been gone. Horrid thoughts. I still can’t believe how real the pain is..

The morning hasnt been a good one.. I was awoken at 5am to my son screaming my name and crying hysterically. I open my door and almost step in what was once the contents of his stomach.

My kids never make it to the bathroom. They always throw up in my door way. It never fails. It took us 45 minutes to get him calmed down. He slept from then until now (12:45). He walked into the living room. Said he was fine and then went to throwing up everywhere again. This time all over my couch. I’ve been scrubbing throw up all day. ICK!

Diva missed school friday. Because she had the same thing. So its been fun!

My morning sickness for the most part has changed from morning to afternoon. Which doesnt make getting up in the am so miserable anymore. but from about 3:30 till 9pm i’m pretty much sick.. I go to the dr on This wed. I doubt they can tell me anything other than i’m pregnant. I probably wont get into my OB until next month. I’m hoping this dr on wed can give me a refill on my inhaler. My asthma is really giving me a problem these last 2 weeks. good thing I stopped smoking over a month ago.

I think i just need a nap.. LOL.. I’ll get around to visiting you guys soon! As soon as these kids are feeling better.. Thank you for the emails and all the well wishes!