Ivy Tied Up |

I’m feeling better. Alot better than I was yesterday. After a few days of antibiotics my throat isnt hurting nearly as bad and I can start swallowing again. The meds i’m on make me sleepy. so i’m a lil r un down and just generally tired. few more days of rest and I should be back to par. I hate the meds though. One makes me cough. The doctor said I would start coughing and crap with it. Um if it wasnt broken why fix it? But apparently it was broken I just didnt know it. I felt fine before the fever hit me the other day. i had a slight ear ache but I felt totally fine. Next day fever set in and when it did it hit fast. Good news. The kids show no signs of catching this mess.

Hubby has been far from helping. He has been a jerk in that department. My house looks like a twister hit it. Dh is going hunting this weekend. Deer season has ended and hog season has began. Guess our freezer is getting low on pork.

FYI.. We don’t tend to buy meat at the grocery store. Ours comes from the woods. My husband kills all our meat.. So hunting season he tends to be non involved in the home life.

Diva went back to school on tuesday. She seems to be glad to be back.

I feel really lousy. Maybe its the sickness and fever but I don’t think so. I think its me realizing that its another year gone and my birthday is coming up and I’m still over weight. My weight is always a factor. Has been since I started having female problems and had kids. Now every day I have to look at myself and think about what I once was or wasn’t..

I keep making promises that are useless to myself about what I will or wont do to lose weight. And every year I’m in the same exact place I was the year before. The good news is. I haven’t gained a pound. I’m EXACTLY where I was. I don’t own a scale but I know this due to the Emergency room scale. And that number keeps echoing in my head over and over and over again. And then the words “disgusting, gross, ewww, i cant believe you weight that much” follow. Sure its me talking to myself but it bothers me none the less..

So I really feel like shit. Only I’m not making any promises. Or huge goals that will let me down. My current goal. 10 pounds. That’s it.. Just 10 pounds. I figure if I can do that. I can then do another 10. I’ve first got to get over this sickness so I can eat again. 3 meals a day right? At least? That’s my biggest problem. I tend to eat once a day. And that’s at night. I’m often not hungry during the day or in the morning.

I’m tired of feeling tired all the time, feeling fat, and I’m tired of clothes not fitting me like I think they should. I never have anything to wear because i refuse to look in the mirror because I don’t want to see myself. My idea until now has been to hide from it. Close my eyes and run. If I can cover it up I can’t see it. But its always there.. Always lurking and hiding and I know what my family thinks about it and that just makes me feel worse. I wasn’t always over weight. I wasn’t always like this. I know what they think when they look at me.

My husband is always telling me I’m beautiful. He claims that I should accept that he finds me attractive because he can’t ever keep his hands to himself. Sorry.. I just don’t believe him. How can he find something so repulsive attractive? I make myself sick how can he like what he sees? I keep looking but I can’t find the logic in it.

I’m exhausted. I think I shall sleep.. Tom is another day..

Have been something! I’ve had a houseguest since Thursday. DH’s best friend. Who I really love to death. He is the best guy. I wish he would settle down and get married to a woman who will love him for who and what he is and not for his money.

He really is a wonderful guy. I know if anything ever happened to my husband he would be right there for me and my children. He is that kind of man. He was married. Really still is. They havent filed for a divorce yet but she only lived with him for a few months. He fell head over heels for her and well she for his money. After a few months her children wanted their daddy so she decided to leave him and move back in with her ex. She has now done this 5 or 6 times.

She leaves her ex when money gets tight. Moves in with dh’s friend and then moves back out when her ex is working again. First time shame on her. Second shame on him. He says he wont take her back this time yet she called his cell today and it was all “I love you”.. The things we do for love.. I wish he could find someone he deserves. She has hurt him over and over and over again..

Anyhow. I love this man to death. Best friend anyone could want. BUT.. I’m tired of having a house guest. He sleeps on my couch. I can’t get a thing done. I can’t be on the cmputer at night to work because he is asleep on my couch. My whole routine is thrown out of wack and Hubby is a jackass when his friend is here. A complete jackass.

Dh asked his friend last night if he was being a jerk. Friend looked at me and then at hubby and finally shook his head and said man, don’t put me there.. Dh said,” Can’t you just say no”.. Friend said not to put him in the middle of it.. Dh shook his head.. Come on.. If he wasnt being a jerk.. His friend would have just told him.

I’m tired of having an extra person to cook after, clean after, wash clothes after, ect. I’m like the slave who gets told what to do over and over and over again.The friend did cook last night though. Which made it easier on me.. He will be going home tonight though.. He lives int he next town over but gets lonesome I guess occassionally and comes and stays at my house about 2 times a year. I’m glad its only 2 times a year. I wish he would come around more.. But stay the night at his own house..

Sugar mama (the youngest..3year old) is just in love with him. my Oldest was like that when hse was little. Thought the sun set with him. Now she is too big for that.. I think the friend m isses her affection. Bug is jealous of him. He doesnt like that his daddy is spending so much time with someone else. I can sense the tension.

Hubby is suppose to be goign back to work tom.. First time since the hurricane. He will be working 7/12s.. I hope this job pans out.. I can’t take him ho me much more.. Not to mention..BILLS HAVE TO BE PAID!

Hope all is well in blog world! Can’t believe christmas is almost here.. UGH! Everyone run!

Have you ever had a house guest that wouldnt leave?

Well it seems like an era ended today.

Have you ever said something to someone that you knew would change your relationship with that person? Said something KNOWING that hte outcome would be bad? That your life would be forever changed and that what you said could never be undone or taken back?
But even though the outcome was bound to be bad and it was, your life would be forever changed and it is, you wouldnt take it back if you could?

I’m there today. I’ve sealed the book on my relationship with my sister. And it hurts..Things were said that can’t be taken back. Things that will forever change the future. And as much as it hurts, I’m glad I said what I did. I wouldnt take them back if I could. I held so much back for so many years to save her feelings and my own. And I found the anger and resentment just continued to build and build. I would have continued to hold it all in had she not said what she did.

She sent me an email telling me how much she cared for me and loved me. Seems unusual this would start such a downward spiral right? Well this entire email was filled with insult after insult about who I am and How I am. Apparently I’m not good enough for her. My kids are not good enough for her. We do not measure up. And through out this entire email where she is insulting me left and right she proceeds to tell me she wishes we were closer and that I know how much she loves me. Sorry.. I had to laugh at that.

This comes from the same girl who lived with me for a year and half and never once said thank you to me for footing her bills and babysitting her daughter while she went out and partied all night. This coming from the same girl who never calls unless she needs something. The same girl who didnt invite me to her wedding because she forgot. And when I showed up I was left out of the family photos. I wasnt even told they were taking photos. I was asked to serve the guests not be with the guests. I was asked to take out the trash not spend time with my sister. I was ignored and treated like the maid instead of family. This from the same girl who shows up at my daughters 3rd (Diva’s) bday party and tells me that we need to hurry it up because she has to go to the truck races. She did that two years in a row.
And there is so much more. It has built up and built up to where when I got her EMAIL I couldnt hold back. I told her how it was, when it was, and how it will be. I dont care if I’m good enough for her, or if my kids are good enough for her.

I let her know how I felt. I held alot back to spare her feelings. But I know what I let out hurt her. I wanted to say more. As these are feelings i’ve had bottled up for a long long time. But then it would have been a competition of who could hurt who more. I tried to vent my frustrations and my anger to my mom along while back so that I wouldnt have them bottled up. So the emmotions wouldnt be seeping up my spine and come lashing out the first chance they got. My mom chalked it up to me being jealous of my sister.

If there is one thing i’ve been towards or of my sister. It’s not jealous. I could NEVER be jealous of someone like her. Someone who appears to have it all. YET is constantly borrowing money from my parents because she blows hers at the mall or going to clubs. Someone who’s husband is a loser and has left her more than once. He cant hold a job, he has a warrant out for his arrest. Someone who thinks beauty is on the outside and coincides with all the pretty things you buy. Someone who has had to move back in with mom and dad more than twice. I couldnt be jealous of someone who has so much on the outside and so little on the inside. Someone who you can see how empty she is inside. What is there to be jealous of? Her fakeness? Her ability to pretend? Her friends are just like her.

You look at her and you see nothing. She always looks miserable. Always. You cant be jealous of something like that. It seems ironic to me. Because she thinks she is so much above me. She always has. I’ll never be good enough for her but i’ve come to terms with that. But at the same time. She is so far up on her pedestal that she can’t see that no matter how high up she goes, I still feel like she is below me. I always have. I know i’m doing what she is doing. But her behavior and attitude towards others who do not live the high life like she does, who do not blow money at the mall, who do not party like she does,who do not dress like she does, ect. it makes her less of a person to me. It makes her below me. Because my personality and those i care about.. They are worth more than material things.

My email back to her was pretty nasty and sealed the chance of any future relationship with her. There wont be one. And that doesnt hurt me as much as not having a relationship with my niece does. A niece that lived with me for a year and half. I’ve done nothing but give to my sister. I’ve gotten nothing back. This has been one sided for so long now. I have nothing left to give..

On a side note.. Diva is in the shower now singing at the top of her lungs,”I fought the law and the law won!”

I stopped smoking in Jan. On Jan 1.With in a week I was sick as a dog. Throat infection, allergy/sinus infection, ear ache. Then I got the flu because I couldnt get over that mess. I stayed sick from jan till march. I was in and out of the doctors office. I couldnt get well. It was ridiculous. Tons of money thrown down the drain because the meds wouldnt make me well. I had so much fluid in my ears the doctor swore to me he didnt see how they hadnt busted. He swore that any minute they were goign to bust and there wasnt anything they could do for me if they did. He said it would hurt like hell to be ready for it. It was literally the most miserable 2 1/2 to 3 months of my life. I was so freaking miserable. I remember telling my mom then. That it was odd that while I smoked I didnt get sick often. A cold here and there yes, seasonal allergies yes, Constant I feel like ive been ran over and am going to die sick? No.. but with in a week of stopping smoking I was horribly ill. I started smoking in March again. I couldnt deal with the stress that was going on in my life. The constant pressure and the sickness I felt. But I felt like a loser for smoking again. I wanted to quit and not start back. i really did. My kids were so proud of me when I quit. And when I started back I let them down. I felt like shit. But the odd thing was.. While I have had a virus here and there since i started smoking again I havent dealt with allergy/sinus or an ear ache at all. Sure i’ve gotten sick. I had that stomach virus and another virus but it lasted a few days not months and I was over it. I didnt have constant itchy watery eyes, my head did not pound, I havent had pressure in my ears making my feel like my head was going to explode. So from March until recently Ive been okay.. Mostly..

Now fast forward until this past week. I stopped smoking again. Yeah i didnt blog about it because I didnt want to jinx myself. I started a few weeks ago cutting down (which in all reality does not really work.. you want to stop you stop cold turkey..)So about a week and half ago i stopped completely. Well in the last few days.. The sickness is back. The itchy watery eyes. Constant itchy nose. Sore throat, my ear is killing me. The fluid is building BACK up.. And its the same ear it started off with last time. My voice is shot because the throat crap. The infection is coming back. The pressure is building. And im back on the meds I was on last time for it that didnt help so much. BUT it did get the fluid down in my ears.. This is unreal to me. It really is. It makes no sense to me what so ever. you are suppose to be healthier when you stop smoking. YOu are suppose to feel better, have more energy, ect. ect. ect. But everytime i stop smoking I get sick. This has been the same result over the last 5 years.. so WHY do i stop? I crave them really bad. So bad i could claw someones eyes out. My blood pressure says that I HAVE to stop. I can not keep smoking. I will die early in my life. I no longer want to be a walking time bomb. A friend told me this happens to some people. She told me to stick with it that my body must adjust. Last time after 2 1/2 to 3 months I was still sick. i had been on round after round of medication. I cant do that again. I couldnt even care for my kids I was so sick. This makes no sense what so ever and it sounds like a crazy excuse to smoke.. LOL But I wont.. I have to stop.. My kids want me to.. And my doctor told me to. And its just the smart thing to do. And not only that.. Do you see what they are charging for a pack of Marlboros now days??

I’d love to tell you guys that I’ve been extremely busy lately.. But I would be lying to you.. I’ve been busy but not extremely. Truth is.. I’ve just been to down in the dumps to write or even get on. I just want to sleep. Weird crap is. I haven’t felt this down in a few years. The dr put me back on wellbutrin (hadnt taken it in 2 years) and now i’m feeling worse than I was before I started taking it.

I will post the next guest post tom.. It comes to us anon and Is a confession regarding love and her husband..

Another thing.. Roscoe the pup is sad.. Very sad. Tonight hubby brought home another puppy(yeah the man who was so dead set against a dog in the house brought home ANOTHER one). hub says its a mix between a rat terrier and a fox terrier.She is really little right now.. 8 weeks old. She is cute And HYPER! She jumps all over the place. Like she is on speed. She is SO HYPER! Roscoe does NOT like her. They have already tied up.. She is a fiesty lil’ thing! Roscoe never barked at me until tonight. He spent 30 min whinning and barking at me while I was eating because he wanted me to pick him up. Where is he now? Asleep on my lap.. Where is she? On my bed! where Roscoe thinks he belongs so he isnt too happy about this! Roscoe acts like we took his best friend or something. He is so sad.. He wont let her come near me.. She is so little though.. She looks like a lil rat.. She stands taller than Roscoe does though he has more bulk than she does.. He is alot more laid back than she is.. So we shall see.. I dont think 2 dogs inside is a good idea.. I dont have room for 3 kids and 2 dogs and Hub.. Someone is going to have to move out..

I’ve been sleeping off and on for days now.. To exhausted to move much. The kids have been running a mile a minute though. Its been a hell of a week thats for sure. I went to walmart yesterday for the things we had to have.. And it took me 3 hours there because of my back. I kept having ot find a place to sit down for a minute. Thankful that our walmart has little benches every so often. I could have pulled a lounge chair out in garden center and made myself comfy but I didnt think they would like that much. I could always tell them I was trying before I buy..

Onto recent news…. Seems Old TomKat has made an ass out of himself again on the Today show..

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Didnt really have a title for this..

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If ever there was something to complain about this would be it.
You go.. Buy a vehicle and an extended warranty. 3 years later (of course you are out of your 36,000 milage original warranty) your vehicle breaks down. You’ve kept all the proper maitenance on it. Kept everything up to date. Only to be told that your warranty you have is not valid. YET you paid 500$ for it! Then you are told that you have 2 things wrong with your truck. The first is an emissions problem and is covered under warranty and they will fix it. BUT. they are going to charge you 69$ to fix it even though its under warranty b/c the warranty doesnt pay for the test.

NEXT.. The second thing isnt covered b/c the warranty you have (BOUGHT AND PAID FOR) isnt valid.. They lied to you about it.. well anyhow its not covered and they want 350$ to fix it.

So I ask you.. WHY have a warranty if im going to have to pay for it anyway? What is the point? The idea is totally pointless..

_____________________________________________
So I went and picked up my truck from the dealership and now am having my mechanic fix it since the warranty wont covery it. HOWEVER they did charge me 70$ to find otu that they wouldnt cover it. How ridiculous is this!

Its been the original crappy ass day today. Normally not in such a perverse mood. Here are my list of piss me offs today..

1. No sleep
2. Kids too loud woke Dh up and he bitched at ME
3. Broke
4. Bill collectors keep calling even 5 minutes after spoken with
5. MIL from hell
6. FIL from hell
7. FIL only invites over oldest and forgets rest of kids
8. FIL is mad b/c I wont let oldest go over
9. Kids rooms still look like shit
10. I refuse to clean them so DH is yelling at me
11. Moaning and bitching about he said she said crap
12. Truck broke down
13. Its under warranty but they cant promise they will fix it
14. Its our ONLY vehicle!
15. We have a rental car agreement with them but if they deem we’ve voided the agreement some how we havent a leg to stand on.
16. I’m out of smokes and no ride until 4am
17. That one really pisses me off..
18. My sister is on my nerves she is b ugging me about going to a bday party this weekend
19. Kids destroyed the house today
20. Freaking humidity is so bad you cant go outside with out your clothes sticking to you!
21. FIL bought my daughter the bike I was going to get her
22. Dh doesnt think its a big deal
23. Ive got a headache that wont go away
24. Customer Stiffed me
25. Im out of smokes

Anyone else?