Ivy Tied Up |

Things have been rather up in the air lately. Not really going well. Dh has been the usual asshole that he is so good at being.. The kids are driving me mad but they’ll be going back to school in 2 weeks.  Dh has had my nerves on edge.. If its not one thing with him its another. He is badly addicted to pain pills. Its causing us all kinds of problems and he is constantly telling me he is in pain. The amount of pain pills he is putting into his body is causing other problems. A lil tmi here but its caused severe constipation to the point of where I had to haul him to hte hospital the other day. All this bullshit is just getting old. he is causing his own problems and i’m tired of dealing with them. He is moody and its annoying.

I’m looking into becoming a substitute teacher at my kids school to get my out of the house.. We’ll see how that goes..

Otherwise i’m doing fine.. I go back to the dr on the 28th.. i’m falling between mania and depression alot.. I think he needs to increase my meds. I feel like thins will never get better then I remember they could be worse..

Thats how I feel.. I just keep going and going and going and going and its taking its toll.. I haven’t been feeling bad or down or anything.. I’m just kinda flat. Wyatt is trying his damndest to give me a heart attack as he climbs on everything and anything. Diva has this attitude from hell and its making me a nervous wreck. Bug is destructive because he is bored and is interested in doing all the bad little things that boys do when their moms heads are turned and Sugar is as clingy as ever. I can’t wait for school to start. I have felt like a bad mom for feeling like that but i’ve got friends who are barely keeping their heads above water and i’m doing better than them so I can’t be a really bad mom. Can I? I just hate summer time. We are stuck home every day with out a car because dh is taking the car. Its too hot outside for the kids to go outside so they stay inside fighting and driving me up the walls.. My nerves are seriously on edge. And to add to it.. Dh is on my last nerve. He has been up to his usual bullshit and its pissing me off big time.
Thats the latest update..

So maybe i’m a lil manic.. Who knows.. I’m not sure I care anymore. However mania does stupid things.. Mania buys a 250$ camera and a 250$ nintendo wii and then 2 days later thinks WTF did I do? Mania wakes up at 2am well rested and doesnt want to sleep anymore. Mania is irritable and pissed of easily. Mania snaps into defense mode when questioned about anything. Mania can’t handle noise or groups(read family functions) nor can I find my meds.

 How did I lose them? I DONT KNOW!!! They aren’t where I put them.. I’ve been looking everywhere.. I had to have misplaced them.. They were on the counter and now they are not.. Maybe I put them in my purse.. I’ll have to look. Anyhow.. i’m bored out of my mind these last 2 days. Nothing can keep me occupied.. Even the wii bores me.

I have a big family function today. We are having a bbq for memorial day but couldnt have it tomorrow because my kids have school and my sister is packing for her family to go to disney world. The make a wish foundation granted my nephew’s wish. His wish was to meet the power rangers and go to the Mickey mouse club house so they are sending them to disney world on an all expense paid vacation. I am so excited for them. They really deserve this. After all they’ve been through in the last year. This lil boy deserves this so much. I tear up just thinking about it.

I feel like i’m drowning.. I don’t know how else to describe it. I feel so overwhelmed and unstable lately. The main thing that did it was info that diva had failed the 3rd grade. I kinda spiraled and lost alot of ground becuase of the way it made me feel. It was the most horrible feeling. No parent wants to fail and I felt like a complete failure. Well after fighting the school these last 2 weeks they called me yesterday and let me knwo they were passing her. Ya hoo! I still feel unbalanced. I feel better that they are passing her but still unbalanced..

I feel alone lately. I got mad yesterday adn started slamming cabinets because I was trying to tell Dh something and he cut me off and asked if his food was hot yet. It ticked me off big time. He couldnt stop and listen to me for 2 minutes tell him what I needed to tell him. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if he didnt do that ALL THE TIME! I feel so by myself here. No one to talk to. No one listens. I love my kids but talking to kids all day every day and that being your only communication .. it gets old.. I need him to freaking listen to me and let me know he gives a shit what I have to say or whats going on with me.. I need him to care!

I’m sure when I get mad and start slamming things around that its just a ” mood swing” to him.. But you know his moods are worse than mine I think. He throws fits like a 2 year old and believes they are “justified”.

The kids are doing well. School lets out next week for the summer and i’m scared tod eath of having all 4 home all day every day. That makes me feel bad to say that.. But they fight NON STOP.. I”m going ot have to find something active for them to do.. I wish I could afford to send them to a camp so they could have something productive to do during the summer but with gas being as high as it is.. not happening..

Dh is putting me on his insurance at work. Its goign to cost us a small fortune every week but I need it becuase i’ve got some health things going on that I need to deal with. bla.. female stuff.. The endometriosis is acting up and I desperately need to be seen for it.. the pain is starting to build back up.

I think thats it for now..

I read a blog post the other day where a lady was asking about grandparents vs. babysitters.. Apparently the lady had “over used” her mother as a babysitter and her mom was feeling less like a grandma and more like the full time babysitter.. The issue of grandparents has been on my mind alot lately. Mainly because my parents are not what I think of when I think of grandparents.

I had the worlds best grandparents. They rocked! We were always at my grandparents house. We went on vacations with them and spent many many weekends there. My grandmother always read us stories and we put on plays for them, sang to them, fixed their hair, cooked with them. They were/are what I think of when I think of grandparents and how they should be. My parents are VERY different from that.

I dont know if its their age. They are edging towards the end of their 40s but still I’m not sure I believe age should matter. They rarely spend time with the kids. My oldest is almost 9 and I can count on my fingers how many times my parents have kept my kids or had them over to stay. They have never invited the kids to come stay with them. EVER. My kids have had to beg them to stay and 99.9% of the time the answer has been no. They have kept the kids when they were “forced”. By forced I mean I was in the hospital having one of the kids and there was no other alternative.

I really feel like my kids have missed out on something big when it comes to grandparents. Maybe I have high expectations.. My husbands parents aren’t worth a shit when it comes to the kids and then my parents refuse to give up their free time. I feel like my kids have gotten the short end of the stick. My dad told me one time that they had raised their kids and now its their time. I get that totally. I’ve never asked them to “raise” my kids. Matter of fact I rarely ask my parents to watch the kids. And 9 out of the 10 times i’ve asked they’ve said no. I just feel like my kids are missing out greatly on what SHOULD be a very special relationship with their grandparents.

My parents feel they are still young and deserve their time.. They are still young and they do deserve their time. But these kids are not going to still be little when they are “older” and are ready to give their time. These kids are going to be grown when my parents are ready to give their time and I think they might be resentful of the little time they were given. Maybe I have it all wrong and i’m selfish or something like that.. I just expect grandparents to be grandparents, or expect them to be like my grandparents were.

And another thing that really makes me say HUH is my parents feel like when they are asked to watch my kids that we are asking them to “raise them” or we are throwing a burden on them.. If thats the case.. WTH were they doing to my grandparents when they hauled us over there every weekend?

What does one have to do with the other? Nothing really..

 Our hot water heater was in worse shape than we expected. It was only 8 years old and the bottom was completely rusted out of it. We finally managed to get a new hot water heater and all is well in the world of hot water.

Now onto the puberty part of the post..

My oldest seems to be going through puberty. She is only 8 years old! How is this even possible? And no i’m not mistaken. Its really happening. Her being 8 really concerns me but its happening.  Acne, body changes, mood swings. Its all there.. All of this and she is too young to understand whats going on with her body. But it concerns her too. Actually it has her a bit freaked out. She really is too immature to deal with this and understand it. I can try to explain it to her till i’m blue in the face but the fact is that she is not mature enough to deal with it or understand it. If she starts her period anytime soon i’m not sure I know how to deal with it. She is just too young for all this. SHE IS ONLY 8!!!!! Puberty crap at 8 is NOT okay. Her mood swings are hard enough to deal with as it is. I know girls are hitting puberty earlier and earlier now but this is just too early.  The acne I said okay its normal. The body changes already.. Everyone I know who has older kids. Their kids still havent had the changes my daughter is going through already and their kids are 11-13. Its just too much!

 Please stop by my friend Michele’s blog and read her post help for breast cancer.

The kids being out of school is literally pushing my sanity button. The older 3 are at each others throats. All I hear all day long is this one pushed this one. hit this one. did this to this one. etc.

Now those of you who have done this parenting thing longer than me.. I dont know how you did/do it. It literally pushes me to the end. The brink of no return. I love my kids but geeze..

And people smile.. Oh they smile when they show their ass in public. And I get to hear,” they are just kids”. They may be just kids but these kids are expected to behave a certain way! Kids or not!

Now my oldest.. She is really trying my nerves. People say,”oh its just a stage” and when I start thinking,”great she can live another day” THEN!!!!!!!! THEN they say,” It doesnt get any better” WTF???????? You tell me its just a stage then proceed to tell me that it doesnt get any better? So what.. right now I just want to choke her.. Eventually i’ll really want to do bodily harm??????? I’ve almost lost my voice from yelling as it is. And yes.. i’ve yelled at her.. i’m the meanest person in the world.. According to her anyhow. I swear she is 8 going on 18… What did I do to deserve this?????????????????????? If she raises her voice at me one more time i’m going to lose it.. And the rolling her eyes.. Her whole attitude like she knows every damn thing on this planet. And she is constantly telling the others what to do and when to do it.. But she can’t follow directions as it is. Then to add to it.. her grades.. Something she could care lessa bout. Oh we are headed down the wrong path. That much I know.. I dont even know how to fix it. Its not like that with the others.. not yet anyhow.

Am I a bad parent? probably not.. Am I a good parent.. Probably not.. But i’ll let her live another day she just wont like her quality of living.. She’ll be grounded until she is 30..

How do you handle an addict? One who is addicted to pills? Prescription pills? I don’t know how to get by. No i’m not the addict clearly. How do you go on day after day living with an addict? How can you help them if they wont admit they have a problem. Or the one time you do get them to admit it they wont do anything about it. Any other time they get defensive and mad.. How do you do it?

Okay so.. by now I realize I need to stop giving chance after chance as I can’t take much more. My sister has put me on the back burner once again. (post 1 about her not inviting me to her wedding , post 2 about her not telling me about my nephews cancer)

I’ve had my fill. I really have. I’m so over trying. Family shit shouldnt be so hard. I’m over the way she and my mother treat me. I don’t think i’ll be doing the family thing when it comes to htnaksgiving or christmas this year. I think i’ll create my own family traditions. Maybe i’ll include my inlaws that I hate so much.

What happened this time right? Well my nephew (the one with cancer) turned 4 october 22. I assumed they wouldnt be doing anything because he cant be around other kids. I asked my sister what he needed since he couldnt have a party. She tells me oh they did have a party. Her friends came and her friends kids came and they had cake and he had a good time.. I didnt know about it, I wasnt invited. My kids were not invited. We were an after thought. We were not even considered. I was livid! HER FRIENDS WERE THERE! THEIR KIDS WERE THERE! I wasnt even told about it. They had cake that was decorated., They planned that! IT wasnt a last minute thing.

I sent my dad an email earlier because I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be apart of that family anymore. I dont know if that sounds horrible to some. But i’m finally happy in my own skin most of the time. I’m finally happy with my lil family I have. My marriage is finally working. I dont need a “family” that is supposed to give a shit to bring me down. I don’t need the trigger. I have my family. Anyhow i’m goign to share the email I sent. I realize it might be a very selfish email. I keep reminding myself my nephew has cancer things are hard on my sister right now.. But thtas no excuse to exclude me over and over again.. She did this before he had cancer. Go read the wedding post. Go read me finding out about him having cancer and you’ll see.. This is nothing new.. This is over and over and over again..

My email to my dad:
Please keep in mind he knows how it feels. They (my mom and sister) do it to him as well. They treat him just like they do me.

Dad,
This is going to sound like a very selfish email. But i ‘m so tired of feeling the way I do. I think its something you will understand and something I’ve discussed with you before.

I’m the outcast of the family. The last to know anything. Never involved in anything. I have to jump htrough hoops to be noticed. No one notices if they don’t hear from me for awhile. Other than you that is.

You can tell me I’m being totally selfish. I’d understand. I keep telling myself that trying to make myself feel better but honestly its not helping me any at all. I keep telling myself I’m just feeling sorry for myself. That’s not helping either.

I finally have a good life going for me. I’m finally happy at home and dh and I have worked hard to make things work and its finally working for us and we finally are happy. But There is something missing and no matter how hard I try its not going to get better. Because I”m not a part of them. I’m not like them. I’m not a priority for them.

For years I’ve made excuses for why I’m not an active part of their lives. Why I’m not closer to them. Them being “sister” and mom that is. Sure they go to the kids bday parties. But that’s about it. I’m the last phone call. I’m still the last to know anything. I’m the first excluded.

I’m sorry I’m leaning this on you. Its not your burden. Its really not. But I think above all you understand atleast to some degree.

I don’t know how long I can keep going feeling like this when it comes to them. I can’t keep caring when its not important to them. I just can’t. It hurts my feelings too much. I’ve tried to ignore it.. But I can’t. It doesn’t work. And I’m tired of hurting because I’m at the bottom of their list and I shouldn’t be. Mainly “sister”.

If something is wrong with my kids. They are my first priority to let them know. I know this sounds so petty and trivial but its not. Its important to me. I was the last to find out something was wrong with “nephew”. Or even that they thought something was wrong. “sister’s” freaking friends knew first! Mom knew first! I found out after the fact. I didn’t even know she was doing something for “nephew” bday. She had her friends there, their kids, mom.. I found out yesterday and pictures were sent to me. How does that make me feel? I’m more important in Aimee’s(my best friend) life than I am in “sisters”. I could go on and start in about her wedding and how important I was there since I was given Trash duty while “sister” was taking pictures with everyone but me. Lets not forget they planned fathers day and mothers day get togethers and didnt tell me till 1 hour before I was supposed to be there. THen there was also labor day as well. A bbq I was told wasnt happening but suddenly it was and they called last minute and asked where I was.. But then again the list goes on and on and it becomes a pity party.

I don’t even want to go to thanksgiving or Christmas this year. And I’m strongly considering starting my own family tradition just to avoid it. They treat me like shit when they (sis & mom) are together. I’m the butt of their jokes. They gang up on me. And I honestly can not make it through another family function where I’m the outcast and the lets laugh at Ivy. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t have it in me anymore. Separately its okay. Together its not. I don’t want to be there and I don’t think I will be. I don’t like being laughed at or being anyones joke. Its not fair to me. And one day I’m going to go off and its not going to be pretty. I’m tired of playing nice. I’m tired of being left out.

I don’t fit in with dh’s family. I don’t fit in with my family. I don’t know where I fit in anymore. But its up to me to be happy. And I refuse to put myself in anymore situations that will bring me down and make me feel bad. I do have control over that.
I have my head screwed on right. I hope you don’t think this is a pity party . This is just how I feel. I’ve held it in for years now.

I’m sorry that its getting laid on you though.
I love you,
Ivy”

Its that time a year. What time you ask? The time where I become a hunting widow. Its the start of the season where I very seldom see my husband or his friends. When I do see them its because they are 1. Hungry, 2. Need ice for something they killed or 3. need me to cook something they killed. Sounds like every woman’s dream right?

Hunting season brings me several things. On one hand I’m relieved to have my husband out of my hair and busy and not demanding stupid trivial things of me. On the other I’m angry, bitter, pissed off, because i’m once again completely on my own when it comes to the house, kids, bills, kids, house, kids, kids, kids.. You might see kids listed more than once and think that a bit odd.. But its really not. Its a full time job to which I need a break at times or I go insane and start shooting people. No not really. That was a silly thing to say. But with out a break i’m a walking time bomb waiting to go off. Dh doesnt give me much of a break but he often takes one of the kids with him where ever he goes. Mainly bug. But its a better break than none. With out it I’m stuck caring for 4 kids on my own 24/7 with out even time to go to the bathroom or take a bath. And sometimes 3 kids instead of 4 all day makes a huge difference. Well during hunting season there is no help. Not even an inkling so I can take a shower.

I saw it all coming a few weeks ago when Dh started complaining of not having a tractor to go mow his areas around his deer stands. The anticipation grew. Then the complaints of deer corn going up to 7$ a bag. Then the cost of hunting license going up. Then the need for new camo, shells, bags, scent be gone, hog traps needing repaired, guns needing to be sighted, cleaned, conditioned, etc. The list really does go on. The non stop days of clearing trees and cleaning around our camp. Dh hasnt been home in weeks. I mean of course he comes in to sleep but he doesnt even come in to eat.

This past week has been the worst. Every night he has come in at midnight. Not only is deer season coming but hog season as well. We must get ready for hog season.. Hog season is just as important as deer season. Our traps must be repaired and taken care of. They must function properly. BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA! For the last 4 days he has been running his traps morning and night. If there are hogs they must be moved from one catching trap to the holding pen. It can not wait. So he comes in late.

Because this is so important to him he becomes unreliable. I can not count on him for a damn thing at this point. Not one simple little promise or request. Not a one. This infuriates me to no end and makes me loathe hunting season. Dread it. At this moment.. I wish they’d cancel hunting season for the year.. Some people think oh its just a few months i’ll survive. Our season isnt just a few months. In January when deer season ends its full blown hog season. The rules about no dogs running on our club is lifted and its war on hogs. Then come march is fishing season.. This lasts till about July. Then we get a lil break from July till end of august when its time to get ready for September again! Its the same thing every year. But come end of august beginning of September its unbearable!

Right now i’m ready to blow a gasket! This past week Sugar got sick. She went from being fine to being extremely sick and gasping for air over night. She never gets sick. Scared the crap out of me. I took her to the dr Thursday morning. Dh said he was coming straight home after work. I needed to go to the store.Sugar has a respiratory virus and I damn sure was NOT taking her to the store with me. So he was going to come home and watch her so I could go get some things like DIAPERS and WIPES and a few things we needed. He calls me at 5pm and says He has to run to the hunting club to check his traps. I inform him that he is supposed to watch her and he says i’ll be there soon.. 9 pm he still is not home. 11pm still not home. 11:30 he comes waltzing in the door and says he was tied up with hogs.. Then his daddy comes banging on my door needing to talk about the hogs they caught. Can’t that wait till morning? He had JUST left his dads! Did I mention that not only does hunting season tend to have dh never at home but it also brings his dad to my door constantly at odd hours when he is home!
Anyhow.. I told dh because he didnt get home int ime that I had to go friday to the store. He had plans to mow his area in the club that morning but would be done by 2pm. at 3 i’m calling him to see where he is at. He says he is on his way out but he has to run to a town 45 min away to pick up another hog trap and when he gets back he’ll watch her. This was at 3 pm.. 5pm no dh. 6pm my MIL is calling me asking me if i’ve heard from dh and fil.. NOPE! 6:45 I call and finally reach dh. He is in the drive way working on said trap and is tied up cant watch her. By this time i’m beyond pissed off and gather up the kids and go to the store by this time I dont have a choice i’m down to 1 diaper and no wipes. I get home and he starts complaining about how hard of a day he had.. Bla bla bla.. Because by this time I really give a shit right?

Today we had Wyatts first bday party. Dh was supposed to go with me to my moms for it and that was it today he was supposed to rest and spend time with the family.. He took his truck to my moms so he could leave when he wanted. He came home and where is he now? With his dad in the fucking hunting club. I’m ready to pack his shit and dump it off at the gate to the club and tell him to have fun holding a tree at night. I truly hate hunting season. I hate being the only person responsible for this house and the kids and everything that goes with it during hunting season. I hate the lack of help around hte holidays and I hate how abandoned I feel by it. I hate that i’m truly alone in this during hunting season and I hate how angry i get and how angry I let myself get about it all. Sometimes I hope he shoots himself in the foot! Today is no different!

On a side note he just called (its 7:30pm) and told me he caught 6 more head of hog and has to move them and deal with them. He’ll be done about 11. If I didnt know how dangerous all this hog crap was.. I’d hope one would tusk him and put him out of commission but we’ve been that route.. It can be deadly.. I told you I have alot of anger built up inside!